Bad Advice Only

Tell the framers to go and do some roofing and tell the roofers to do some framing. If they don't like it, tell'em "tough"....


Tried alcohol in wrinkles, and now need stitches. But don't want to go to doctor or ER....

 

Let your pug lick the wounds 'til they stop bleeding.

Digging the foundation tomorrow for the biggest house I've ever built ...

 

If you strike oil, stop digging.

Air conditioner stopped working...again.

 

Force her to watch 24 uninterrupted hours of news stories about "crazy cat ladies" and if she still wants to adopt them, buy the biggest, meanest Rottweiler you can find.

Or just have her committed.

Tomato plants did too well this year ... all the neighbors are lining up in the backyard with pans, waiting for my wife to come out for the nightly watering ...

 

Get plenty of bread, mayo, and pepper. I'll be right over for tomato sandwiches. :thumbs:

Regular Saturday night television. Nothing worth watching on. :sleeping_2:

 

Gouge your eyes out...


Sprinkler head broke....

 

Build mini-aqueducts in your yard, carefully digging small trenches, using a level to make sure of downhill flow, and very small tributaries off the aqueducts in order to make sure that entire section of lawn still gets watered.

Watering and watering, and the grass keeps dying and dying ...

 

Looks like your mini-aqueduct idea didn't work. :laugh:
Plant tomatoes - the grass will grow. The tomatoes won't


Every time I connect the phone and answering machine, neither works.

 

My sprinklers work. It's just the heat is getting to the grass.

Try connecting them to the wall plug instead of each other. If that's not the problem, hire a secretary to sit in your house, answer the phone, and take messages.

City wants to put traffic circles/roundabouts to take traffic off the busy street and into the parking lots of the high school down the block ...

 

Put stop lights in the school parking lot. Confuse the road crew.

Insurance and property tax is no longer paid through escrow. (Paid off the house)

 

Take out a reverse mortgage and eat up the equity in your house so you can pay for the insurance and property taxes "painlessly."

Have a toss-up in the Senate primary between an out-of-touch non-resident who's been in D.C. for 47 years, and a doctor who posted x-rays of his patients on Facebook ...

 

Write in campaign for a half-rained frog. He'll so less damage.

People complained all day. So here I am complaining about people complaining.

 

Stop complaining. Just punch 'em out when they irritate you.

Ate on the deck tonight after barbecuing for my beautiful wife, legs are now covered with mosquito bites ...

 

Who? You or your wife's legs....


If they're your legs, rub them all over with honey, and then go find a nice hill of fire ants...will take your mind off the mesquito bites...


Neighbor's dog keeps dropping his "packages" off in our yard....

 

Two words: Land mines. Real ones. Make sure you map them so you don't step on one while mowing.

Arguing with brother over whether this ...



... means "peace and long life" or "live long and prosper" ...

By the way, "my legs." Glad you made no suggestions if they were hers. :laugh:

 

It means "I spilled the Crazy Glue on myself ... again".

Coffee pot fell and broke.

 

Forget mowing. Let it go to seed. Let the weeds take over. Let the acorns and other tree seeds take root. When the city/county comes calling about neighbor complaints, tell them you're developing an urban nature habitat. Ask them if they'd like to give you a grant to populate it with native flora and fauna.

Brand new expensive wood four foot level's bubbles are off ...

 

Defective bubble - buy a new level.

Traffic jam going to work. Traffic jam coming home from work.