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  #1  
Old 09-26-2003, 05:27 PM
following-Him following-Him is offline
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I have been unfortuanate enough to have a pastor in the past betray two of my confidences. Today I hear that he has been discussing a situation and a meeting concerning that situation with his wife. Would you consider this acceptable? Is it something you do or would do? What can I expect to be kept confidential by a pastor?

Blessings

Sheila
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  #2  
Old 09-26-2003, 05:44 PM
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Trotter Trotter is offline
 
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Sheila,

My heart goes out to you. Betrayal of trust is a wound that cuts deeply.

No, this is unacceptable, unless it involved something that would have to be presented to others. Let me give you an example:

Say a man goes to his pastor for counseling, and admits that he is having an affair. The pastor must then confront the man about it. If the man will not forsake the affair and repent, the pastor is under obligation to go to the man with at least one witness, and so on. If the man will not turn from the sin, the pastor must bring the matter before the church for discipline.

I don't know your situation. But the confidentiality between pastor and flock is not as clear cut as that of a doctor or lawyer.

It is another thing altogether if he breaks confidence without warning you of it, or does so flippiantly. Too many pastors break confidences with people while preaching by using their situations as illustrations.

In Christ,
Trotter
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Old 09-26-2003, 05:49 PM
following-Him following-Him is offline
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This is going to end up a church matter, but I was suprised that my pastor had discussed it with his wife at this stage.

I have had other chats (informal) and conversations with him when I have been surprised at what he has said about other people. I don't think he should have done. I really don't know if I can trust him anymore.

Blessings

Sheila
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Old 09-26-2003, 05:53 PM
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Trotter Trotter is offline
 
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Sheila,

You can't. You can forgive him (which sounds to me like and ongoing proposition...). But as far as investing trust, I think he would have to show a turn of heart first. We're called to love one another, not be stupid.

In Christ,
Trotter
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  #5  
Old 09-26-2003, 07:02 PM
dianetavegia
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I've been in a church where the secretary said Pastor would come out of his office after counseling someone and share graphic details with her and his senior secretary. I went to the chairman of the deaons. My friend got fired for it even though the preacher was the one gossiping. She had only shared that he was telling them what Mr. and Mrs. XYZ had said. My friend only told me he had repeated specifics and she didn't know what to do. He called her a liar. He's still the pastor there, 25 or more years later.

I had a pastor repeat something personal many years ago that I had asked him to pray about. I never confronted him about it but would never feel I could trust him again.

Even with his wife..... no. This is wrong! When my friends tell me something, I don't share it with Jim.

Diane
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Old 09-26-2003, 07:53 PM
computerjunkie computerjunkie is offline
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I work for the Senior Pastor at my church. I set up his appointments, but he does NOT share with me what was discussed, although sometimes he asks me to do something for a needed follow-up. Even if that is required, he still does not share any details of the discussion.

He also knows I am completely trustworthy in those types of situations. In fact, I don't even like for people to know who came to see him. If someone wants people to know they came to see the pastor, THEY can tell them. It will NOT come from his office.

I think pastor confidentiality is of the utmost importance and a pastor who shares confidences is completely out of line.

CJ
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  #7  
Old 09-26-2003, 08:23 PM
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Jim1999 Jim1999 is offline
 
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From this pastor to God's people, confidentiality in the singular is of utmost importance and I would guard it with my life.

Even my personal files were kept at home under lock of key and after I retired, after 6 months, and no enqiries, I burned the lot.

My wife never knew what my meetings with people were all about and she never asked...Obviously she knew who visited. Sometimes people would call the wife and tell her why they wanted to see me and in what urgency, but that had more to do with what wife would do about contacting me.

Cheers,

Jim
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  #8  
Old 09-26-2003, 08:30 PM
GODzThunder GODzThunder is offline
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It should be made known to this pastor that certian things told on confidence to a gospel minister under certian conditions is priviledged information and by law should not and cannot be discussed with others in many states.

Still, you need to tell your pastor that you are embarassed and outraged that things told to him in confidence have been spilled out as gossip. I would also tell him your feelings of how you feel betrayed and that your trust in him has diminshed because of this so that he can know how people feel about such things.

In short: TELL HIM.
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  #9  
Old 09-29-2003, 03:29 PM
j_barner2000 j_barner2000 is offline
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In serving under a senior pastor, as an intern, I have had situations come up where someone was not comfortable talking to the pastor so they came to me. But, I was not sure what to do about them as I am not a licensed or certified counselor. Normally I listened, shared scripture and prayed with the individual. Never have I given direct advice except to pray and perhaps set an appointment with the pastor. My wife knows my appointments, but never the details and often not the name. In a couple of rare circumstances I have shared directly with the pastor if I felt it was a dangerous situation I may give details and names. However, as a rule if I have a question, I will not name names and I am very careful to not betray trust.

I cannot serve someone if they cannot trust me fully. Trust is difficult to earn and so very easy to lose.
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  #10  
Old 10-01-2003, 10:56 AM
David Ekstrom David Ekstrom is offline
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This is a serious matter. First talk to the pastor. If he doesn't respond appropriately, talk to the deacons. A pastor who is this incompetent needs to be removed. If the deacons don't act, it's time to go to a different church.
You are within your rights to sue, but I don't think you want to do that.
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