13.3 Miles Straight Out Nine Mile Road

A business meeting at Gator' Swamp First Baptist Church.
(Located exactly 13.3 miles out 9 Mile Road)

Pastor: “Well folks, we need to discuss getting those two big pine trees removed here on the right side of the church so's we can enlarge our Bar-B-Q pit and...

Ethel: “Remove those two pine trees? Why on earth would we want to do that? I played under them ole' trees back when I was a kid and....”

Fred: “Awe, come on Ethel..., that was 52 years ago and I'm quite sure you've long stopped playing under that tree!”

Pastor: “Thank you folks but...”

Alice: “Fred, didn't you ever play under that tree when you were a kid?”

Fred: “Yeah I did but....”

Ethel: “Yeah Fred..., see, you played under it yourself so there's no...”

Eleanor: “Will you two be quite and let's get on with the meeting?”

Alice: “Don't you tell me to be quite...!!!”

Eleanor: “Will you hush a bit?”

Pastor: “Folks..., okay now..., back to the trees....”

Elroy: “Pastor, I think we ought to move the Bar-B-Q pit to the other side of the church and build a canopy over it so's we can....”

Mable: “What 'chew talkin' 'bout Elroy? That's a dumb idea!”

Elroy: “What's so dumb about it?”

Mable: “What's so dumb about it? Why, I'd have ta park up by the front door on the other side of the church..., that's what's so dumb about it! Bin' parkin' over there since I got my license to drive back in 62.”

Pastor: “Folks..., lets get back...”

Alice: “Why you tellin' me to be quite? You keep on I'll show you a thing or two! Tellin' me to hush. The nerve!”

Bubba: “I'd help Elroy build that canopy.”

Elwood: “We don't need to move the pit or build a canopy. What we need to do is tear down that old pump house and then...”

Alice: “Tear down the pump house??? That well wuz dug back in 51 by the deacon board and it's now part of our heritage. No we don't need to tear down no pump house.”

Pastor: “Folks..., lets focus on...”

Gerti: “Pastor, what we really need is a new carpet. Why, just the other day me and Claudette were talking about it and....”

Alice: “Yeah Gerti, I agree wif' you. Course, I think we ought to get a light tan color so it will hide all the dirt from...”

Gerti: “Light Tan!!!???”

Alice: “Yeah, oh, wouldn't that be so pretty..., I mean it would match the paneling so well.”

Gerti: “No, that would look pretty stupid if you ask me!”

Pastor: “Now, back to those trees....”

Kate: “I'd like to see a nice light green carpet. It would blend right in with our...”

Gordy: “Green??? Give me a break!”

Moose: (Kate's husband) “Youse better watch it, Gordy. I'll cloud up and rain all over you.”

Pastor: “Folks..., folks..., please, lets get back...”

Boggs: “Pastor, if I may..., what we really need to do is get some more lights in here. Kinda dim for our evenin' services.”

Isabelle: “Oh, good grief, Boggs. There you go again with the lights! I done told ya' to git your glasses checked. Something wrong with you? Get on down to Franck Town and see Doc Willis.”

Boggs: “My car is broke down and I can't get there.”

James: “Lets take up a little collection for Boggs so he can get his car fixed.”

Moose: “I'll second that....”

Pastor: “duh..., uh..., folks...”

Edith: “Will you all calm down and let Pastor Higgins speak?”

Maxine: “Edith, you'se better sit there and hush. Gonna get in the middle of somethin' you can't get out of.”

Aunt Bea: “Did anyone get to the store for some more toilet paper? We're about out!”

George: “Hey Mikie..., did you ever get that fan working dere' in the baf'room?”

Mikie: “No..., plum 4got 'bout it.”

Aunt Bea: “Well, someone needs to check on the toilet paper as we be 'bout out and bringing paper from home just ain't right. What if we ever get a visitor?”

Pastor: “...folks”

Johnny: “Oh, before I forget, Sam's Tire there in the valley is offering some great deals on recaps if'n you need new ones.”

Ralph: “Went to Sam's yesterday and seen the prettiest 12 pointer there on ole' man Riggs place. Wish'd I'ah had muh gun.”

Flo: “Speaking of Riggs, anyone seen hide nor' hair of him lately? I ain't seen nuttin' of him in about three months.”

Martha: “I hain't either. Nope an I hain't even seen no lights on there at night. I wonder if he's okay? Pastor, maybe you ought to stop in an see if he's okay.”

Johnny: “By the way, if'n you buy four new tires Sam will give you a new set of mud flabs wif' the Stars and Bars on 'em. Pretty neat, huh?”

Russel: “I think we need to paint the bell tower.”

Jake: “Why? We ain't got no bell.”

Russel: “Then why we got a bell tower?”

Granny: “Cause grandpa Roger built it that way!”

Pastor: “Folks..., the trees...”

Granny: “...an besides, if we paint the bell tower then we gonna need to paint the whole building. Who gonna do that? Not me.”

Gracie: “Hey, did you all read where the Smith boy done got in trouble again? He wuz caught letting the air out of the back tire on the Sheriff's car. Caught him red handed they did.”

Elroy: “Yep, dat boy been in trouble since he started to skool. He ever try that wif' my tire I'd show him a thing or two. ...or three.”

Edith: “Well, all of you seen his mother. Nuttin' but a floozie to begin wif. No wonder the boy always be gettin' in trouble.”

Sue: “I seen her the udder day wearin' the brightest red dress at the five & dime. Boy was she advertizin'. What a disgraze.” Pastor, you need to go visit wif 'dis woman. Pray over her soul..., or somethin'. She ain't right!”

Pastor: Folks..., please...

Honey: “Hey, how come da' power went off last night? Got all the way up to the final question on Wheel of Fortune and the power goes off. That really upsets me cause I gets a bill every month and they can't keep the power on.”

Dorsel: “Old man Marks done drunk too much and hit a pole last night. Poor boy. Didn't do much damage to his truck but he sure did bust that pole down.”

Pearlie: “Whiskey! Humph! Outta outlaw it...!!!”

Rouse: “Outlaw it an' Capone come outta da' grave.”

Alice: “Who's Capone?”

Pearlie: “His name wern't Capone..., it was ScarFace!”

Pastor: “Folks....”

Durwood: “Well, I gotta run. Full moon tonight and we be going fishing for a bit before the storm sits in.”

Mable: “What 'chew mean goin' fishing? Ain't no fish bitin' at nigh?”

Viola: “Who ScarFace be? Didn't he used to deliver the mail over 'der in Moon Shine County?”

Martha: “No, that was Squirley. He never wuz able to read all that much. Always getting' the mail in the wrong boxes.”

Granny: “He did that on purpose so he could watch all you young women on the road sortin' the mail. Old pervert, he wuz and I can't believe all them folks over 'der never caught on to his pranks.”

Eleanor; “No he wern't no pervert! I went to skool with dat' guy. He wuz nice. Then I met Hoppy of course.”

Pastor: (Leavin' the church) “When you all leave someone be sure and throw the switch on the hot water tank. See ya' all Sunday Morning.”

On a final note, the pastor did stop buy to check on ole' Riggs. The Coroner said the ole' boy been dead about three months. Still had his finger in the coffee cup handle. Course, he was 91.

The pine trees? Still standing and no one checked on the supply of toilet paper.