25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by gb93433, May 19, 2008.

  1. gb93433

    gb93433
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    1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."

    2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.

    3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"

    4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.

    5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.

    6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.

    7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).

    8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")

    9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.

    10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!

    11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.

    12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.

    13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.

    14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

    15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.

    16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.

    17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.

    18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.

    19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.

    20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.

    21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply closet.

    22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"

    23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.

    24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."

    25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.

    Source: www.gcfl.com
     
  2. Amy.G

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    That would do it.
     
  3. David Lamb

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    Would it? I admit that I understand only some of the 25. :laugh: (No idea what "Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music," or "Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits," mean, for example. And why would visitors/potential new members need to get into the place where Sunday School supplies are stored?). Even so, we serve the Saviour Who said, "I will build my church," and of Whom it was said, "The Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved"? Of course, I am not saying that churches should deliberately make themselves unfriendly, unwelcoming, or in any other way offputting. Even so, the very gospel we preach is going to put some people off.


    22 For Jews request a sign, and Greeks seek after wisdom; 23 but we preach Christ crucified, to the Jews a stumbling block and to the Greeks foolishness, 24 but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God." (1 Corinthians 1:22-24)
    But I am probably taking this too seriously. I tried following the link in the OP, and got a page saying "The domain name www.gcfl.com is for sale Prices in the region of US$4875." A Google serch for gcfl indicated that the link should be www.gcfl.net "GCFL" apparently stands for "The Good Clean Funnies List". :laugh:

     
  4. Tom Butler

    Tom Butler
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    David, the OP is not meant to be serious.

    I agree with you that no church would intentionally be off-putting to visitors or prospects. But some churches unwittingly are.

    And then there are those churches which are so desperate to be perceived as welcoming that their efforts come across as contrived and insincere. It comes across as part of a marketing strategy.

    Those kinds of churches have not yet learned what I heard someone say: If you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.
     
  5. David Lamb

    David Lamb
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    Thanks Tom! I agree. Indeed, I said in my post that I was probably taking the matter too seriously. Thanks again.
     
  6. gb93433

    gb93433
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    I remember the day a lady came to the church where I was preaching. That afternoon the pastor and I visted her and she told the story of how she had visited the church down the street from her and would not let her in because she wore pants and her hair was shorter than they thought it should be.

    In 1995 a man I know led a black youth to Christ and invited him to church. The youth showed up and the deacons would not let the youth inside of the building.

    So the things we think of as so ridiculous do happen today.
     
  7. David Lamb

    David Lamb
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    Because of the colour of his skin alone? I wonder what scriptural support they would have cited for that position!
     
  8. SBCPreacher

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    I know of a church that just 20 years ago had a "committee" of men who took turns at the sanctuary doors to make sure the blacks knew where their church was. How sad.
     
  9. gb93433

    gb93433
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    It was one of those churches that claims along with the denomination they belong to, that they are in a battle for the Bible.
     
  10. Tom Butler

    Tom Butler
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    We had an interesting Sunday night service this past Sunday. The pastor was ill so we just had a "family meeting" to talk about where we were and to encourage each other.

    We are a small, aging church, and sometimes our folks can get discouraged when we hear about other congregations and their explosive growth. Yet God keeps sending people our way who wind up joining.

    So I asked our folks, "what are some good things about our church?" Immediately the answer came from two of our newer couples. "We found such love here, and such harmony."

    It turned out that the thing they saw first in our congregation was not how we treated our visitors. It was how we treated each other. Naturally, they were welcomed and made to feel at home, but that wasn't the deciding factor in their decision to join us. And it wasn't something we had to tell them; it was what they felt when they first walked in the door.

    Their testimonies reinforced in my own mind how important harmony and unity are in a church. And how perceptive visitors can tell if we are or aren't.
     
  11. nodak

    nodak
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    2-4-19-24= BTDT!! For real!!

    Uh--only thing was, doing 24 in adult2 class resulted in several men joining the class.
     
  12. David Lamb

    David Lamb
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    But why should being "in a battle for the bible" involve forbidding people access to services on the grounds of skin colour? I don't see the connection, sorry.
     
  13. gb93433

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    The same denomination that makes such a claim also does nothing about those situation by taking a stance against those churches all in the name of autonomy. Yet they will continue to take their money for missions.

    They claim to take a stance for the Bible yet do nothing against churches who continue to wrong people by their practices and doctrine.
     
  14. David Lamb

    David Lamb
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    But I am still left wondering what scriptural support they would have cited for that position!
     
  15. gb93433

    gb93433
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    In my opinion they had none. The youth leader agreed and left after that incident. Too many churches are good at rhetoric and excuses but do nothing to reach people. They see their church in a sense as guarding the hen house. They are like concrete--all mixed up and permanenetly set.

    If one looks around very little he wil see that few people in most churhces today know their Bible very well. So they just "fly by the seat of their pants."

    I am sure that was not an issue. Doublemindedness uses whatever is convenient. You have got to know that denominations today who preach church growth often preach expediency and convenience. That same denomination also promotes homogeneous churches as the best way for church planting. I wonder what they would teach in Los Angeles where there are about 178 different languages spoken and kids go to the same schools.
     
  16. HeDied4U

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    Attended a church many years back that did a year long study through the book of John.

    Unfortunately, a few people got sick of John and decided to go elsewhere.

    FWIW, I thought it was a great series.
     
  17. canadyjd

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    Usually they quote Old Testament passages concerning keeping yourselves separate from the nations.

    I've heard people say the mark which God placed on Cain was to make him darkskinned. Therefore, all darkskinned people have the mark of Cain on them.

    I've heard Black preachers claim the mark of Cain was leporsy (i.e white skin). Therefore, all white people are devils.

    Obviously, I know they are wrong and are abusing scripture to support evil.

    It won't be the first time that has been done, nor will it be the last.

    peace to you:praying:
     
  18. canadyjd

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    Back to the OP.

    I heard a pastor tell of this experience. He had gone to a large church to preach in lu of a call. The church seated over a 1000, but had less than 100 current members.

    He arrived early to pray for God's wisdom in the decision. He sat next to the isle, about 5 rows from the front. As he prayed with his head bowed (an 1/2 hour prior to services beginning) he felt someone's presence next to him, and then a grunt ("aaaahummm").

    He looked up to see a middle-aged woman looking down at him. "You're sitting in my spot" she said.

    He looked around at the near empty sanctuary, and then got up so she could have her seat.

    He took that incident as a sign from God to look for another church to Pastor.

    peace to you:praying:
     
  19. Born_in_Crewe

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    When I was around 10, I was a member of the Boys' Brigade for a year (you might not have heard of it), and for reasons I can't remember we had to attend a service at the local Methodist church. While we were waiting for it to start, an old woman assisted by another lady tottered very slowly past several empty pews and then asked someone to move! :laugh:
     
  20. canadyjd

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    Though I didn't spend much of my youth in church, the SBC has RA's (Royal Ambassadors), which must be similar to the Boy's Brigade.

    The churches use to sell pew spaces to support the church. The ones closest to the preacher where the most expensive. Perhaps this attitude is a carry over from those days?

    peace to you:praying:
     

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