advice needed for a relationship

Discussion in '2004 Archive' started by number, Jul 30, 2004.

  1. number

    number
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    Hello,

    I'm an Italian Christian and
    I'd like an advice for my situation:
    I'm living a great relationship with my girlfriend, who is a Christian Baptist. We are very much in love and we have done many life experiences together, we both realized how similar we are and everything is perfect when we are together.
    The problem is that despite of all these similarities and even though I'm a Christian, I wasn't growing up in her same area, in fact I'm Italian, and this difference of background is affecting her decision whether to see me as the right guy to marry or not.
    when we met, even though I am a Christian, my believes were less stronger then hers, and to say with her words, I don't have the spirituality.
    Now, we had a long conversation about that, and I said how I was ready to embrace my spirituality and follow God, (and I did) I've then asked Jesus to come and live in my hearts and then to be learning daily
    how to live in a real relationship with Him, no longer just "believing,".
    And she told me that however she wanted a man that already had this spirituality in him before meeting him...
    After many conversations, the situation now is that it seems so that she came to an understanding that I am not less of a Christian than she is, and that she has forgiven me for having s#x before marriage.
    However, she told me that she needs to think about whether she feels like committing with me in a more serious way or not. She loves me, but she grew up in a Southern Christian family, attended the local Church and spent time with people with her same background. She told me that our different background is a serious issue for her and in spite of the fact I have demonstrated I'd do (and I'm doing) anything for her, she feels confused.
    It seems to me that she needs someone who could confirm her that everything is fine and that she is doing the right thing, I don't know, it's just an impression.
    I respect and understand her problem and I'm giving her all the time she needs to think about that. My only question is, we love each other and we love to be together and there's no moment in which we're not totally happy by being together, and everything is perfect. Now, can a different background affect a true love? Is it just confusion? What am I missing here?
    She told me that she has to think whether by being with me, her relationship with God will be challenged or not.
    Thank you for reading and eventually for opinions.

    I moved this topic here for Baptists to be able to help this young couple, even tho our Italian member has not listed Baptist as HIS denomination, his girlfriend is. Forgive me in advance for breaking this rule.

    [ July 30, 2004, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: dianetavegia ]
     
  2. NaasPreacher (C4K)

    NaasPreacher (C4K)
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    Greetings from Ireland and thank you the Baptist Board.

    This topic will probably be moved to a more appropriate forum where folks will be able to share some advice and ideas with you.
     
  3. Ben W

    Ben W
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    Hello, welcome to the board,

    The choice of a marriage partner is the second biggest descion after choosing to accept Jesus that a person will ever make. My best advice is for you both to spend some time praying together. It is one thing to be a Christian, and another to share your spritual life with your partner. Many people miss out on an amazing blessing of God by not praying with there partner, or potential partner.

    The Holy Spirit will lead you both to the choice that the Lord wants for you. Prayer is always the answer, even when we dont feel like it, and we will certainley keep you in our prayers.
     
  4. dianetavegia

    dianetavegia
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    Well I think it's wonderful that your your young lady takes this decision so very seriously! Like Ben has said, this is the second most important decision in her life!

    As a Southern born and bred, virgin til marriage, I can understand how important this is to her. Also, I think she's remembering God's command for the husband to be the spiritual head and that the wife be in submission to his decisions and wondering if you're mature enough in the Lord to make the right decisions. She has to be the one to trust the Lord to guide you and her during this time of your growth.

    I married a man who was not a virgin and even tho it bothered me quite a bit, I loved him and knew that he had asked for forgiveness for that sin and if God could forgive him, certainly I could put it aside.

    Give her time. Continue to study and grow and seek God's will in YOUR life and all else will fall into place.

    God Bless,
    Diane
     
  5. Greg Linscott

    Greg Linscott
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    My parents married across cultural boundaries. There are challenges- no doubt about it. However, I wouldn't say that they are insurmountable.

    As far as the spiritual development aspect goes, what you may need to ask yourself is this: As a growing Christian, do you really stand to benefit long-term spiritually from someone who hasn't been committted enough herself to the Lord Jesus Christ? I mean, she has already entered into a relationship with someone who admittedly was not a serious, committed Christian (you).

    I'm not attempting to draw the conclusions for you- just asking you to look at the situation from all sides. Perhaps you each need to spend time strengthening your walk with God and developing in a local church before you seriously consider you future together.
     
  6. NaasPreacher (C4K)

    NaasPreacher (C4K)
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    Be patient my new friend. God's timing is perfect. this is a HUGE decision, second only to your salvation.

    I can understand your girlfriends confusion and hesitation. Be patient with her.

    "Wait on the Lord - be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart"
     
  7. JamesJ

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    Welcome number!!

    I know from personal experience over the past year, while trying to start relationships with a woman who told me after a short while, "no, thank you" and then another who eventually told me the same thing, that trying to rush a relationship along only ends in disaster. The others here have given good advice... be patient and wait. I know that it is very hard. If she is the one for you, the one that you will marry and spend the rest of your life with, it shouldn't matter how long you wait.
     
  8. number

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    Thank you all for the advices and support.
    There is no doubt I'll be patient and pray everyday for us, waiting for God to guide her through the right decision.
    to me it means that you have choosen to put God first in your life a long time ago. I'm doing this now, I'm feeling some differences in my everyday life. I happen not to make anymore certain thoughts that I was doing before, and I do it naturally. I feel a better person with myself, above all when I fall asleep. And probably our problems are due to the fact that I'm coming to this point just now. I'm realizing this and I respect your relationship with God which is longer than mine. Now you are confused and seeking God in your decision. Do you think that by being with me you may lose the relationship with God you have worked hard to build?
    I was born into the Roman Catholic Church, but born again at the age of 29. I realized, now that I am converted that certain rituals of the Catholic Church do notrepresent me.
    Well I really love her, and I told her, let's put God first in our relationship. And someday I will too be on that level of relationship with God that she have found. And together, we both can push forward to new levels.
    The said thing is that now we can't be together cause we're living in different countries, and ok, this will be long but I want to past and copy a passage from her last email and my reply...
    -----------------
    (SHE)Im just still confused. Ive been talking
    to my mom alot. And she is helping me to think clearly and rationally.
    She has been giving me some good advice but it overwhelms my emotions.
    She is making me realize the difference between fantasty and reality.
    (but dont think you are the fantasty, you arent. it is the life I have
    been living for the past 6 months) Thats whats so hard.
    Basically, what I have concluded for now is that I just need my life
    here to get back to normal. It hasnt been back to normal bc the regular
    school hasnt started and I havent gotten back to my normal routine. I
    know I have told you this before and my mom agrees with me that for now
    I think we should enjoy our lives as they are right now. For you to
    hopefully start working with +++ soon and do what you have always
    dreamed of. For me to start my last year in college and soak it up for
    all its worth. And we are doing just that. But what my mom really
    enforced was that we need to respect each other too during this time.
    The two of us are at very different periods of our lives right now and
    we need to respect each other for that and not tie each other down (not
    that I feel like we are).
    Once I feel like things are back to normal, meaning after rush and once
    school gets started back, i think I will begin to think clearly and
    really find out whats best for us. But my mom said and i agree with this
    that time will tell.

    and my answer....

    This time is doing good for us, but something that makes me suffer a lot is anything concerned to the motto " you and me are just a nice dream, now it comes the reality". Because in my opinion this time apart doesn't have to mean that we have to realize that we have 2 different lifes, we knew that already, that's for granted, I know I have to work for +++, but I have the feeling that you associate it with a good reason for me to stop being with you, or at least, stop the energy of doing everything to be with you. The last thing I need to hear is that we have different goals now, because as I said, we know it already! The point is just one, can we be together or not? I know that I want, I know how to do it and organize my life in that way.
    The rest it sounds like a diplomatic excuse to keep us apart. Hoping that the more me and you are not together, the less painfull will be to close the relationship and the more chances they have to forget how beautiful is to be together.
    I don't know about you, but there is no job, distance, or long time of us to be apart that will make my love for you less stronger.
    Also, the sentence "...for now I think we should enjoy our lives as they are right now. For you to
    hopefully start working with ++++ soon and do what you have always dreamed of ..." it sounds to me like... ok let's postpone, then hopefully he will start working and he will forget about his love for her. My dream is another one right now, much bigger, and it will always be like this. I won't be turned down by time apart/job.
    Going back to the motto " you and me are just a nice dream, now it comes the reality" ... that was valid when we were in ***, now I came there, you saw me with a different light, you saw that our being together is not just that fantastic dream: in a couple of days I made a few phone calls, sent a couple of emails and there was already a potential business for me to do there.
    For sure, our time spent apart will prevent me from organizing my reality there.
    Sorry I feel sad sweetie, to me your email sounded like a soft, little by little turning down, taking more time, hoping not that our mind will be clearer but that we eventually forget how is to be together.
    What else could you realize out of me during your normal routine that you cannot realize now?
    You'll start your full time school around the 17th of August if I don't mistake, well I'll feel exactly as I'm feeling now . I'm not saying this because I want to rush you, twe can wait for months if you want, but if it's for something spiritual inside you. We agreed that in order to realize how much you truly love me and if you really want to be with me, you were waiting for an answer from God, not for the distractions of the college. I hope you'll understand where I am coming from.
    -----
    Sorry for the lenght of the letter
     
  9. Gina B

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    It doesn't sound like she wants to marry you all that much.
    Plus, if your background is such a problem for her right now and after you've been together long enough to consider getting married it will most likely only serve to haunt your marriage.
    My advice would be to get over her and find someone who can appreciate who you are now no matter where you came from. It will save you a lot of arguments and hurt in the future.
    Gina
     
  10. JamesJ

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    Unfortunately number, I agree with Gina L. I have heard that type of response before also. It hurts badly to find out that someone doesn't feel the same for you as you feel for them, I know, but the sooner that you accept it and move on, the easier it will be. You can still be the best of friends. My best friend is someone that I once was head over heels in love with. She knows it, and since we've talked about it, and some time has passed, our friendly relationship is awesome!!

    May God bless you my brother (may He bless me too)
     
  11. number

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    Ok, and this was her answer...
    And by the way, we are not deciding to get married, that will happen in the future, we're for now talking about continuing to be together or not.
    ---------------------
    There is so much I have inside of me right now.I knew you were going to
    take that email hard. And I think you took some of it the wrong way.
    First, of all Im not trying to end our relationship little by little.
    Not at all. Please dont think that. I dont know what I want.
    I wanted to come home this weekend to talk to my mom about things
    because I treasure her opinion so much. So we started to talk. And I
    listened to her and she listened to me. When she said time will tell,
    all she meant was that with time, answers and decisons are made more
    clear. thats all. no big meaning.
    When I say that Im coming out of my dream world, Im not talking about
    you or your life. But my life. my life has not gotten back to normal
    yet. even if you think it has. I really havent had that much time to get
    readjusted to auburn life by myslef.
    Sweetie, please dont think that I think that your job is a way for me to
    get further away from you. why would you ever think that. im just
    looking at reality. and my no means at all would i use it as an excuse
    for you to stop loving me. im just stating the facts.
    And i dont mean college to be a distraction to me from you. not at all.
    this is just my life right now. all that Im hoping is that by
    getting back into my normal routine i will be able to think better. not
    that the distractions will keep me from you. a clear mind just comes
    naturally with getting back into the swing of things.

    Gosh, if you only get one thing out of this email please let it be that
    Im not trying to never have a realtionship with you again! my mind is
    still 50-50. I thought that by sharing my feelings I would help you see
    more of what I was feeling. But im so scared to tell you these things
    because Im afraid you that them the wrong way and put the worng meaning
    to it. And I end up hurting you.
    Most of all though I need to get my mind straight with God. I need to
    clear my head and let his spirit fill me. and thats where I get my
    ultimate guideance. My mom though will always play an active role in my
    life and nothing can change that. I probablu value her opinion more than
    anyone I know. So thats why I turned to her.

    Sweetie, what Im worried about (what we talked about in the sms) is not
    that you are just now realizing God and his awesome power. I actually
    think that is amazing and I want to be with you every step if the way.
    What Im worried about is a mixture of things. its nothing that i have
    not talked about before. with my mind still 50-50 it goes back and forth
    all day long. some moments are happy moments and some are not so happy.
    im still worried about our differance (not the religious ones though).
    this time will help me to figure out if i can handle them and if they
    really do mean a big deal to me. God will let me know.
    Gosh, i dont know what you are thinking right now, that scares me. to
    know that i can so easily upset you scares me. to know that i have no
    idea what to do right now scares me like crazy.
    Coming home has been hard. last time i was here i was with you. tonight
    all of these memories makes things so hard.
    Im sorry that i cant really think or write very clearly right now. I
    need alot of prayer. I tried to stay strong all week long and I have.
    but tonight after i got you email i had to get out. so i took the dogs
    on a walk and i just lost it. its the first time ive cried all week. i
    hate the fact that i have to put you through this. that i have to give
    you all this uncertainity. i dont like writting emails back and forth
    explaing each other to each other. I wish we could just understand where
    each of us is coming from. but thats not the way realtionships work.
    they are hard, you know. they take alot of time, effort and emotions.
    I hope that this email doesn not upset you...i cant stand hurting you. i
    want us to be ok. i want us to be happy in this time appart and just
    think of what we have to learn from each other and ourselves. And during
    this time both of us will be thinking of what we want.
    I hope and pray that i have not confused you. if nonew of this makes
    sense just ignore it and know i need this time ( i know you know this).
    I dont know how long, i dont know the result. But I know that God will
    get me through it. And I know he will get you through it.
    my mind is still 50-50 as i said so many times. i wish i could
    give you an answer but i cant. Gods time will tell. I know i say this
    alot but, thank you again for what you are doing. please just be patient
    with me. (as i know you are)
    I know this has been a long email, but i just had to write even if it
    makes no sense.
     
  12. GODzThunder

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    I believe that the only course of action left is for you to pray about this to the Lord. If he wills for the two of you he will help the both of you work out your spiritual background differences. Such relationships are indeed possible if both parties are willing to go the distance with one another.
     
  13. number

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    thank you all for your opinions,

    we're solving each other's differences day by day with a deep exchange of information and I feel it's getting better.
    She has recently asked me a question and I'd like some opinions about the best answer I can give:
    if you could
    change anything about your past relationships with girls (meaning
    girlfriends) what would it be?

    Before meeting her I didnt have the spirituality that I have now, so I had sex with my ex-girlfriend. Besides mentioning sex, what would be a more articulated answer?
    Thank you
     
  14. number

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    Thanks everybody for your support and advices.
    I'm interested to have opinions about this: in our last emails we were discussing a lot about serious issues, like what values I wanted to give to my children, family, ordinary life during marriage, my own values and so on.
    She was asking me all these questions probably to make sure that my answers were what they she was hoping.
    And in fact she loved all my answers, she was very happy about everything I said about family, kids and values.
    Now, we're in a moment of our life in which she is deciding what to do with our relationship, whether to move it at a more serious level or not.
    But then, at the end of her emails there is always this recurrent idea, first she tells me how much she misses me, love me and wanted to be with me, and then she goes like " But there is
    so much that I have going for me here that I still have to think about that too."
    My point is, if she truly liked my values, and all the important aspects I mentioned above, why would she keep taking time?
     
  15. number

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    hello everyone,

    This is a sad day for me, my nightmare came true, for some reasons my girlfriend feels like breaking up with me, even though she seems still kinda confused. And she has made up her mind right after going out and partying a lot...
    What do you guys recommend me to answer? I know I know, I have to back up, if I push her it will be even worst... I know all this, but it's so hard to put it in practice. I can't look the situation from an objective point. I hope you all will. I need to share this with feeling so that it will hurt less.
    thank you again,

     
  16. BornBaptist

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    Not to be rude...

    But to be brief, Number, Move on and find someone else. Find a good Baptist Church. and move on.

    BornBaptist

    P.S. I'll be praying for you, Friend.
     

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