Advice Please (wife will be making more money than me)

If you're getting married, put the money into an account and pay the bills. It's all for one and one for all. There have been times in our marriage that I have made triple what my wife makes, and when I was disabled for nearly two years, guess what? She made all the money.

But, no matter what, it's ours and God's. It's not mostly hers or partially mine.

 

Well coming from someone whose wife makes more than he does at least in "real" dollars you pay the bills the same way you would if you were making more money. That is really a non-issue outside of an ego issue for some guys (not saying that is the case here).

The big thing that you and your bride will need to consider in this case is children. My wife and I are in a situation that even though she would like to be a stay-at-home mom (at least sometimes) we can not afford for her to be one.

Fortunately for us I own my own business and run it out of my home, so I am also a stay-at-home dad Mr. Mom :thumbs:

So my advice would be if your wife wants to be a stay-at-home mom with your children that you live a lifestyle that can be supported by your income as a teacher/coach (by the way I used to do that myself for many years) and stick most of her income in savings that way you will have it when the kiddies come and she wants to stay at home.

Outside of that life really should operate the same as if you were the bread winner.

Hope that helps, and God's richest blessings to you and your fiance!!!

 

If how much one or the other earns is of great concern, please do not get married. Surely how much one earns is not that important.

My wife is an accountant and always earned more than me as a pastor of a church. The only time my wage surpassed her was when I did architectural work and when I was a professor at the university.

Frankly, wife always managed the money in our house and I got an allowance weekly. We always lived within our means and never went into debt, including the purchase of our house and motorcars.

Love is the important thing, not money.

Cheers, and God bless,

Jim

 

Nicholas:
All the guys that say they are the boss of their house are not being totally truthful. A woman got the first man and will get the last. Believe me, a woman has some leverage over you and the sooner you get used to it the better off you will be. Don't listen to these guys that say they are the boss. Their wives are in the other room as they type it. I took the word "obey" out of the marriage vows. I didn't think it was right to ask a young bride to tell false right off the bat. Enjoy your wife making more money. My wife taught school for over 30 years. She has never made more than me but with my money also she has more than me.

 

Bob I sure hope you were joking, but unfortunately I don't think you were/are. I think he wanted Biblical advice not Brother Bob advice.

 

It was half and half JJ.

 

Nicholas - You have gotten some excellent advice here. I would emphasize the points basically made by many here: don't worry about what your wife makes or doesn't make, or if it is more or less than you. Also, I would live from day one of married life on your income only. Do not even include her income in the consideration of qualification for a mortgage if/when you should reach that stage of your life. We know a young married couple who are doing this and they will be far ahead of the game down the road, especialy if children come along. But guess what? They don't own a house yet, as do ALL of their close friends, but they have a very happy home.
Ideally, imo, you should be finished with school and established with a job before marriage, but that does not seem possible in your situation. However, I would advise that you and your fiancee discuss the issues brought up to you in this thread, or by others close to you, and both agree completely on whatever course(s) of action to take before the big day.
Congratulations and blessings!

 

Proverbs 15:16-17
16 Better is little with the fear of the LORD than great treasure and trouble therewith.
17 Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.

 

I would say be happy for your wife-to-be. She will likely always have enough for herself to enjoy a good life on, and she likely have enough to provide for herself regardless of how things go for you. That is security for you if I am correct that you are concerned about her well-being.

 

I think I currently make more than my husband. He is still in school too, working on a PhD. One day, hopefully, he will make more than me, but it really doesnt matter. Its all our money. Marriage is give and take, sometimes I work more, sometimes he does. Is your fiancee bothered about it? You mentioned she suggested you get another job.

 

My goodness, Nicolas, if this is an issue now, it's only going to be worse when you are married. You need to take the advice you've gotten here back to your fiance and have a long serious talk about how she feels about "her" money and "your" money.

The idea that you get a second job in order to bring your income up to her level gives me the thought that you two have very different priorities. I would have never suggested that my husband take a second job while in college just to increase his income when we were already bringing in sufficent to live on. (btw, we put him through his last year of his BS and his Master's degree)

Since this is going to be a lifelong type issue, you need to understand NOW the lifestyle your wife expects to live, whether or not she'll want to stay at home with the kids when they come(and will expect her lifestyle not to change when this happens) and whether or not she believe superiority in your marriage comes with a bigger salary. These kind of things are marriage busters and you need to have them settle before you say I do!

Now if you are the one with the problem, you have three choices: change your career to something higher paying, don't marry this girl, or get used to it!

If someone else (besides you or your fiance) is raising the issue because THEY think "a man should always make more money than the wife because it shows he's the breadwinner", tell them to mind their own problems.

The way it works in this house is that it all goes into one bucket, bills come out first, then savings, then extras. we give each other an "allowance" for the little stuff we want, like hobby supplies. Big extras like a big screen TV have to be agreed upon. And neither of us spends anything without telling the other (this saves on fees for bounced checks because someone didn't tell someone that they bought_____).

Of course my husband always likes to tell folks that what is mine is mine and what is his is mine too.

 

I told you! Just kidding

 

Congrats!

Make sure to discuss this subject with your pastor before he does the wedding. He should bring it up during his solo session with her and again when he has the two of you together.

Be open with her about it, listen to her view and don't assume the words from her mouth are true. Don't give the devil a prybar to take your love away.

 

If your fiancee is feeling like it is going to be her taking care of you, you might want to take care. Eventually, she might start seeing you as a liability and may resent you. You would be living with her under those circumstances.

On the other hand, is it possible that you are projecting the pressure you seem to be putting yourself onto her? She may very well love you irregards to what you can do for her at present or ever -- I had a friend who was worrying about marrying her boyfriend because she was afraid she could not do anything for her, and it took me a sustained effort to get her to see that from his perspective it was all about having her with him forever and what he could do for her. They have a date set and I have not heard from her in a while. If it is just pressure you are putting on yourself, then you are not being fair to her.

Please consider both possibilities.

 

re:finances

Nicholas,

Perhaps the question of who makes the most is not the issue. The question you may or should be asking is who is best qualified to take care of what is being made as in paying the bills and setting aside for the future needs.

In each marriage one is usually more qualified to handle the money than the other. In our marriage I have been handling the finances for 37 years but we have friends where the wife handles the money.

Finances are a matter of trust and I would suggest you get rid of credit cards for a couple of years until you work through your trust issues. You say there will be no issues but you are wrong for when that new item shows up after you have decided not to buy anything the question will be why, I thought we decided not to purchase any more? You will have to learn to trust each other.

You are both used to making financial decisions with out considering or consulting another person and that my friend will change. Also a joint account is the only way to start a marriage and only one check book and one debit card. :laugh:

 

I saw several couples in seminary (where you'd think they had their priorities right) where the wife resented working more than she felt her husband did. That on top of a man's sometimes fragile ego about providing for his wife/family, can certainly cause troubles, and you are wise to be thinking thru these issues. If yall understand where the other is coming from and also understand that its a temporary set-up, you should be able to work through it.

 

Agree with the recommendation that if this is a big deal then you should not marry her.

 

Hello again Nicholas. More good comments!

Originally posted by TaterTot"
"I saw several couples in seminary (where you'd think they had their priorities right) where the wife resented working more than she felt her husband did."

I think Tater's comment may well go along with yours about your fiancee feeling pressured. I think possibly, although I don't know them, the ladies Tater is referring to resented working more than the husbands because they were under pressure, or at least felt as if they were. I don't believe, from reading Genesis, that women were designed to carry the load of being the major breadwinner for a couple/family, and it can cause problems. Granted, it is a temporary situation, but I agree that you need to sit down with your fiancee, and again with your pastor, to discuss these issues. And I'll reiterate my advice from my first post. Please make sure you both agree on how financial issues and working situations are going to be handled, even down the road after you graduate and when children come, before the wedding date. (And, please discuss what will transpire if children come before planned - this has happened to more couples than I can count) If you can not agree, I know this sounds harsh, but I would not get married.