Bad Advice Only

Kids are off the wall. Why would you want to take away their handprints? You could always duct tape them to the floor. The kids that is...


How do we get TinyTim to stop crying after his unfortunate incident with a brillo pad and de-greaser?

 

Using Johnson & Johnson "No More Tears," later, rinse, and repeat.

How do I get my hubby to stop throwing dirty clothes on the floor next to the hamper?

 

Just be glad he wasn't still in them! Getting a bigger hamper might help.

Speaking of dirty laundry. madre asked me to wash some of her delicates and some fancy red blouse. They're all slippery and shiny. Can I wash them together? How much bleach should I use?

 

Wash them all together, using lots of hot water and bleach. That way she'll never make you do laundry again.

How do I keep my neighbor's friends from stealing my parking space all the time?

 

Steal their car!

How can you get a stolen car back??

 

If it's mine they'll bring it back with a sympathy card attached.

madre wants to have a nice quiet vacation. I told her to enjoy herself and send a postcard or two. She's mad. Was it too much to ask for postcards?

 

Walk up to the nearest Policeman and give him coffee and donuts for letting you use his scanner. When news comes over the scanner that your car has been found slip him a creme filled donut and grab his keys, take off in his car and apprehend the car thief on your own.


My neighbor waters his lawn at 2am. One sprinkler hits my bedroom window. How am I going to get some sleep?

 

Who ever gave you that advice was not a friend. :laugh: :laugh:

 

Put on your bathing suit and sleep with a cd of ocean sounds playing in the background.

How can I diet when there are girl scout cookies in the house?

 

Eat them and blame your hubby...

How do i make monkey bread?

 

Start with a barrel of monkeys...


What must I do to be saved?

 

Be as good as you know how to be.

and then -

Ask a member of any cult!

(Hey! This is for 'bad advice' only, remember??)

Since it is getting to be spring, what is the best thing I can do to start a garden??

Ed

 

Go to the stables and start shoveling. When your wheel barrow is full, pile it all into your kitchens oven and bake for 20 minutes at 250 degrees. Spread liberally over your bed and poke holes in the mattress, then water until all is soggy.


The Pepsi man is getting rude and has BO, How do I tell him to clean up his act and get a job with RC?

 

Buy him some deodorant, soap, and lysol spray and deduct the cost from his pay, then tell him RC offers free toiletries for their employees.

Every time I bake bread, I have to hide it so hubbby and kids won't eat it as fast as it comes out of the oven. I'm running out of hiding places where they won't look. Any ideas?

 

Your belly...


My wife is disobeying, how should I deal with her?

 

Say "Yes, dear" and "I'm sorry."

How do I get my dog to stop digging out from under the fence?

 

Come to Florida and wrestle the biggest and meanest old Gator you can find. Take it home with you and put it just outside that fence. Then when your "dawg" digs under it it will never do it again. CHOMP, CHOMP!!!



Our house is often flown over by low flying helicopters. About 4 times a day these things breaks up the nice quiet with very loud Whoop! Whoop! noise. How do I regain peace and quiet again?

 

My cellar is always cold, what should i do to heat it?

 

Bobby,

What is your advice to me? What do I do about the helicopter noise?

 

Palatka, Bobby can't hear your noise 'cause he's down in the cellar. My advice is that you join him there and the noise won't bother you any more.

Bobby, have the church ladies have their next hen party in your cellar. All the talking will produce hot air and that cellar will be warm in no time.

How do I stop breaking my fingernails?