Bolton's First Day

Discussion in 'Politics' started by carpro, Aug 4, 2005.

  1. carpro

    carpro
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    http://www.newhousenews.com/archive/lileks080305.html

    Live From New York: It's Ambassador John Bolton

    BY JAMES LILEKS
    Now that John Bolton has been installed as United Nations ambassador -- by the time-honored recess appointment or the power-crazed overreach of King Emperor Bush Fuhrer, depending on your point of view -- one can only wonder how he'll do. Here's a hypothetical workday. (Note that he's made it out of Washington without some senators throwing themselves on the train tracks to keep him from leaving. Or, rather, having aides throw themselves on the tracks. Make that interns. Aides might say things under anesthesia.) Anyway. The limo pulls up to the glistening U.N. building at 7:59 a.m.

    There are, of course, protesters. They chant: "Hey hey! Ho ho! Bolton John has got to go! Hey hey! Ho ho!" But Bolton strides right through the crowd and enters the building, leaving the protesters stunned: It didn't work! The chant didn't work! Frantic calls are placed to ANSWER, CORE, ACORN, NARAL and the National Guild of Pronounceable Acronyms (NGPA); the leadership is informed that the magic chant has failed. Lucifer has entered the temple! Repeat, Lucifer is in the temple! Call George Soros and have him fund a new one STAT! No, that doesn't stand for anything.

    8:03 -- Security makes Bolton go through the metal detector six times, convinced he's hiding brass knuckles somewhere. He leaves, grasping the detachable metal handle of his briefcase, smiling privately.

    8:15 -- Bolton, who once remarked that you could remove the top 10 floors of the U.N. without diminishing its effectiveness, notes with rue how long the elevator takes to get to his office. He arrives. Superglue in the keyhole again, just like at State.

    SNIP

    4:07 -- At the cafeteria, Bolton gets a doughnut and a cup of coffee; the cashier informs him she'll put it on the U.S. tab. Bolton insists on paying himself; she shrugs and asks for $428.26.
     
  2. JamesBell

    JamesBell
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    How could you leave this one out?

    3:17 p.m. -- The afternoon sun is getting hot; Bolton discovers the shade is stuck. He calls building services. He is informed that the shade has been stuck since 1966, that the U.N. Commission on Window Treatments was convened in 1967 to address the matter, and is scheduled to meet again in 2006, once India withdraws its objections to giving the rotating chairmanship to Yemen -- as one of the founding countries, it has the right to the chair, but when the nation split in two its claim to the chair was remanded to a subcommittee, which went on a fact-finding mission to a French drape manufacturer and never reported back aside from annual expense accounts from a beach house in the south. The Plenary Commission on International Shade Accords, a separate body, has recommended that any action on drapes or curtains be postponed until the U.N. building is renovated, or that a large movable curtain be erected across the street to block the sun, but this debate has been stalled over an amendment condemning Israel's treatment of Venetian blinds in the Gaza Strip. Of course, now that Israel has begun withdrawal from ...

    3:24 -- Bolton hangs up, cuts the cord, and the shade comes down.

    It shows all too clearly exactly what the decision making process is at the UN
     
  3. mioque

    mioque
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    The scary thing is that the 3:17 p.m. entry is a completely realistic portrayal of the decision making process at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. The maintenance committee overthere fights decades long bureaucratic battles about things like repainting 1 (one) specific side-door.
     

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