YOU KNOW IT'S A BAD CHURCH BUSINESS MEETING WHEN... 1. The church loudmouth rises to his feet and announces dramatically, "I can no longer remain silent..." 2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it. 3. Your picture ends up on a milk carton. 4. People arrive at the meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse." 5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Carta. 6. The little, blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!" 7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of state and doesn't invite you to come along. 8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanner. 9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands. 10. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands. 11. Judge Ito asks you to try on a pair of bloody gloves. 12. People begin referring to you as "our former pastor."