Can and should we totally shelter our kids from the world?

Discussion in '2005 Archive' started by Soulman, Jan 13, 2005.

  1. Soulman

    Soulman
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    I am a single parent of a 13 year old girl. I have had her alone since she was 3 months old. I have sheltered her much to the displeasure of others. We go to church 3 times a week and I have her in a baptist school. She doesn't have any unsaved friends. She is almost 14 and really wants to start with boys.

    I don't see anything good comming out of a relationship at this age. I will allow her to see boys in group settings. She has also approached me on certain types of worldly music. I have sheltered her so much that I gave into this a little. She bought som cds' this past Christmas. She listens to John Denver and some easy going contemporary rock.

    Was I wrong to give an inch? Is there any purpose in letting her see a boy as a boyfriend at 14?
     
  2. blackbird

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    Soulman---my wife and I were talking about this same thing just the other day!! Believe it or not----here's what we say to ourselves as parents---"Weeeeeeeeell, its kids "Peer Pressure"!!"----when really---we are lieing to ourselves

    Friend---its not teenage peer pressure HALF as bad as its ADULT peer pressure----us adults want the same things for our kids as other adults do---example---teenage kid gets his driver license---age 15!! We(parent) think its "paramount" that OUR kid gets the same thing at age 15 and NOT 16!!

    Example---Kid at church---daddy buys him a car---Parent looking on says, "How am I gonna afford to buy MY boy a car---but no matter---we buy the car anyway for OUR boy---just because somebody else did it for their boy!!

    Fourteen and dating??? Land's sake, Brother!! Does she want to????---of course---is daddy gonna let her???? The "Jesus" inside of us says---NO---but Peer Pressure and the idea that we gauge this as being "successful" parenting when we follow the "crowd"--says---"Surrrrrre---why not??"

    Why not??? I'll tell you why not!! Teenage minds---including the boy she'll be going out with---are unstable--double minded---and letting her go out at that age---you'd be better off being in a room with a Chimpansee holding a loaded revolver in his hand!!!!!

    Brother David
     
  3. graceb2u

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    I have to tell you Soulman it's to early for her to date. We raised both of our girls that they could not date until the age of 16. We have been told we are to strict and don't give our daughters enough freedom. Well I don't care. I love my daughters and I do whats best for them. All the girls that started dating early when my oldest daughter was in school are either pregnant with no fathers or had abortions. My oldest daughter went to college, got her degree and is now a teacher. She is married now to a Christian man and he loves her. There is no reason why they shouldn't wait until they are older.
     
  4. Gib

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    :eek: John Denver :eek: Stick to your guns. Kids can be rebellious, no matter how they're raised. Pray for them. Keep her away from the boys until she's 30--you'd be better off being in a room with a blackbird holding a loaded revolver in his hand.
     
  5. Servent

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    Trust her, watch her very close, but trust her.If you raised her right she will do right.Maybe let the boy come to the house first, get to know him,let him know if he touches her youll pull his ear off the side of his head.(sorry I get carried away sometimes) trust her.
     
  6. rjprince

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    Having raised my baby girl (almost 22 now) and having gone through most of this, I fully sympathize with all that you are feeling.

    However I differ from some of the earlier posts. Raising children is all about training them to live on their own as adults. The time will come when you can shelter them no longer. They will be better equipped at that point if you have allowed them enough freedom to examine the values you have taught in a real world setting and make them their own.

    The "train up a child in the way he should go" assumes that you are preparing them to make those critical life decisions based on your training but out from underneath your oversight.

    Kids are gonna make mistakes and mess up. Let them make them and mess up while they are younger and the mistakes are smaller and less costly. I let my kids touch the oven door after I had warned them that it was hot. They needed to learn that Dad spoke truth in order to keep them from injury. I would never have let them put their hand onto the glowing red eye of the stove top however. That would have left permanent scars.

    If they do not learn to fly while they are young, it will be more difficult later and they are more apt to fall prey to the cat (1 Pet 5:8).
     
  7. av1611jim

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    14? Way too young for dating. Think of the emotional involvement and the inevitable hurt if it doesn't last. (Rarely does it last at that age.) IMO; part of the concept of a child keeping pure for thier future mate is the emotional part. If she/he has "given their heart" to another before marriage, many times that baggage is carried into the marriage later. Sometimes by unreasonable expectations, other times by emotional scars. Dating, by definition, is commitment to an emotional relationship.

    I forget the name of the book, but it is about this very concept. It was written by a young man who said he "kissed dating good-by". (Or something like that.) I have heard very high praise about his book.

    I wouldn't let my kids listen to anything but good Christian music. "Good" was by MY definition. I am the Dad, that's why. (I'll probably get flack for that. Oh, well!)

    Next, as to the OP. Yes we can shelter our kids from the world. That can cause problems sometimes.
    To answer the question, I was reminded of this Scripture. "Ye are in the world, not of it." (Loosley quoted)
    There must be a balance. But in that balance, we must not let the world INFECT our children. They can be IN the world, but you must do everything you can to prevent the world from getting IN them.

    (Rambling thoughts)

    In HIS service;
    Jim
     
  8. PastorGreg

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    Have to disagree. Proverbs 28:26, "He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool." Jer. 17:9 says that none of us knows the wickedness of our own hearts. I don't trust myself. Why would I trust my kids? No, iut doesn't mean I'm suspicious and spying on them, it just means that I am honest enough to admit that their flesh is totally corrupt (like that of their Daddy) and I will not trust their flesh in a situation where it might get the victory over them.

    Soulman, my older daughters are now 18, 17, and 16 (will be 19, 18, and 17 this spring). Add the total dates with guys of all three of them together = 0. They are strong, they communicate well with adults, have jobs and do a great job in them - they are not isolated, but I think they have been well insulated. Without being critical, something to think about: The fact that a 13 or 14 year old girl wants to be involved with boys indicates an insecurity and something missing in her relationship with her daddy. Love her. Be a big part of her life, keep her a big part of yours. Be passionate about being her daddy and about presenting her a chaste virgin to her husband some day. She wants your attention more than she wants attention from some other guy. God bless you, brother.
     
  9. av1611jim

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    Pastor Greg;
    Very wise comments. Bless you.

    In HIS service;
    Jim
     
  10. Thankful

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    I disagree with this statement!

    Encourage group activities. She definitely is too young for a one on one relationship.
     
  11. Johnv

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    Sounds like a normal almost-14 yo girl. I've got a 14yo, btw, as well as a 17yo, both girls.

    She needs to start to learn how to interact with people of the opposite gender. Group settings is perfectly fine, imo. You shouldn't discourage her from "liking" boys, though. That would only serve to give her the impression that her feelings aren't important. They are. What she needs is guidance to appropriately manage her feelings.

    Again, sounds fine. If you brought her up well, she'll probably develop proper discernment. THer may be one secula song that is not inappropriate that she decides she likes, and another one that's inappropriate, which she will decide "I don't need to hear that" and change the station. That's what my kids do. I rarely have to worry about what they listen to when I'm not around.

    Sounds fine.
    You're doing fine. Actually, I question the motives of parents who make all the decisions for their kids until they're 18, and then all of a sudden, the kids get to make all the decisions for themselves, but don't know how.

    Your daughter is at the age where you're slowly going to have to give her an inch here and an inch there, as she demonstrates the ability to responsibly handle that decision. It's part of allowing her to start making decisions on her own, and living with the consequences of bad decisions.

    Now, as far as having a boyfriend, at 14, absolutely not. No dating until she is 16, imo. However, if she likes a boy, let her like him. If they see each other in group settings, that's fine. If they pass notes and see each other at school, that's perfectly fine. At this age, I guarantee you, she'll like a new boy, and forget about the old boy, about once every 6 weeks. Chances are that most boys she likes won't een know she exists, just like she probably doesn't have a clue when a boy likes her, and most of the time, she probably won't like them.

    Good luck. I'm sure the next four years will be the most boring of your life.... not! :eek:
     
  12. Thankful

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    My dad was very strict, but he always explained to me "why" he had certain rules. I really think that if children and teens can understand "why" certain rules are necessary then they will be willing to comply.

    From the time I was 10 years old until I was 14 there was this certain special boy. He begged my dad to let me go to the movies with him. Dad said, "No" Not until she is 16. He later revised that to 15, but do you know by the time my dad said it was ok to date, we had both lost interest and I never dated that particular boy.

    I thought my dad was the most wonderful man in the world.

    Good advice, JohnV [​IMG]
     
  13. rivers1222

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    Hi Soulman,
    I understand your delima. As the father of 15 and 17 yr old daughters and being a single dad I have had to make these decisions long ago. I'm also fortunate, thru no special parenting talent of my own, to be blessed with 2 daughters with heads on their shoulders. Much depends on the make up and maturity of the daughter you are dealing with. It also helped that I coached Little League for 5 years and know virtuality every boy they have or ever will go out with. And they know me! Get out and make yourself known. And get to know the boy she might be interested in. Also there is a special phrase I use whenever I meet a boy even my 17 yr old takes a fancy to and wants to go to the movies with. Call them over to the side and whisper quietly to them..."I have a gun , an empty box, and a shovel. They'll never miss ya." Good luck Soulman. My prayers are with you.
     
  14. Soulman

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    Posted by Pastorgreg: The fact that a 13 or 14 year old girl wants to be involved with boys indicates an insecurity and something missing in her relationship with her daddy. Love her. Be a big part of her life, keep her a big part of yours.

    I never meant that I would allow her to date at 14. I was saying that she has a desire to do the 14 yr old version and pass notes and say she has a boyfriend.

    I don't want her to really date a man until she is old enough to marry. Nothing but trouble can come from allowing them to date earlier.

    However, she attends a Christian school and I am thinking that over the next couple of years that I cannot completely stifle the need to interact with people of the opposite sex. I decided that group activities would be the way to go.

    So far I have instilled that she needs to fulfill school and college before setteling down. I told her she needs to be able to make her way in the world and prove to herself that she can do that without a man before she gets one.

    I know that sounds a little to ideal, but that has beenmy goal. It was just that this year she would come home from school and tell me how cute certain boys were. Made the hairs on my neck raise right up! I just love her so much and am praying that she will make the right decisions. I believe she will. I am just an over protective dad.
     
  15. Mommyperson

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    If I may add my thoughts Soulman.
    I too am a single parent now.
    Dating at the age of 14 is too young,BUT your training will soon be put to the test.
    I have two grown girls and one still in the throes of adolescent desire to do as her peers do.

    I solved it in one of two ways..I extended an invitation to the parents as well as the boy to come over to meet and have a "get to know you" gathering.
    Having a B.B.Q. or some activity she enjoys in the backyard. YOU get to know the boy and his parents and she is exposed to the same. It can involve personal friends too. Afterward, you have a heart to heart with your daughter and share your thoughts about how the gathering went.

    OR

    A church youth function (like a dance) with your supervision will not only help settle your discomfort,but it'll help you get to know a little about the boys she is interested in. I loved the youth dances and if your church doesn't offer one, suggest it.


    Would this be a safe alternative to dating in your opinion?
     
  16. I Am Blessed 24

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    My children are all grown and married with children of their own now.

    They grew up in church as well as a Christian school.

    I never allowed 'single' dating. I see no "good" purpose in it. They can have just as much fun in a crowd.

    Most of their 'dates' were at my home with us present or at their 'dates' home with their parents present, or at a church function (well-chaperoned).

    They were not sheltered. They had plenty of interaction with other people - including jobs.

    Young people tend to think with their hearts and their hormones (both of which God said "not to trust because feelings change").

    I have not regretted the way I raised my children...

    Double-dating with parents can be FUN (and safe).

    I now have 16 beautiful grandchildren!
    ┬žue
     
  17. chipsgirl

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    I'll be honest here. Most of my friends who were sheltered as kids have grown up to be totally dependent on everyone else, irresponsible, and lacking in social skills and confidence. Not saying you're child will be this way, but this is what I have seen.
    I think sheltering your child and setting firm rules are two different things. Once your child is an adult, do you want to send them into this world, not having had any experience with it? If you don't want them to date, drive, etc.. till they are 18 then don't. But, kids can do these things and still be good kids. If you have raised them right, all will be good. If you keep smothering, then you will be resented. Hope I'm not stepping on any toes here. I'm just giving an honest opinion. [​IMG]
     
  18. chipsgirl

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    I have to agree with Sue on this. I had one boyfriend in high school and we definately should have been watched more by adults! All kids (good and bad) have troubles controlling their hormones. Dating is the one thing I would be strict on. Do it just like Sue said and you'll be fine.
     
  19. menageriekeeper

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    Soulman, you are already quite blessed that she made it to 14 without a "boyfriend".

    Precious was only 11 when the first fella caught her eye. They passed notes, walked each other to their classrooms and claimed they were "going out". They even talked us mothers into taking them to the mall on day for a coke.

    Precious and I had several long talks about relationships during this time. We came to a clear understanding of what constitutes a proper mate not only to her father and I, but to God.

    It lasted six weeks until she got a taste of just what kind of music this kid liked to listen to(70's acid rock). She dropped him like a lead balloon.

    We were boyfriend free until the begininng of this school year when another decided to court her. This one didn't last three weeks. He just wasn't up to snuff.

    These experiments have given her a little experience with the oppisite sex and satisfied her curiosity without stifling her spirit. She knows that real dating will not happen until she is sixteen and even that will come with rules.

    Have fun and good luck!
     
  20. rjprince

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    Menageriekeeper,

    You offer the boyfriends snuff?
     

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