Church Bulletins

Discussion in 'Clean Humor' started by Steven2006, Aug 21, 2008.

  1. Steven2006

    Steven2006
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2006
    Messages:
    2,065
    Likes Received:
    0
    I recieved this e-mail and thought it was funny.


    > They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
    >
    >
    > Thank God for church ladies with typewriters and computers. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).
    >
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
    > ------------- -------! ------ --------------------------------

    > Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
    > Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > Miss Charlene sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    > ---------------------------------------------- ------------
    > For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > Irving B. and Jessie C. were married on October 24 in the church.
    > So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
    > Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    > Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
    > Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
    > They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
    > Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    > -- ---- ------ - --------------------------------------------
    > Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
    > ---------------------------------------------------------
    > The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
    > Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
    > Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
    > Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
    > ------------------------------ ------ -- --------------------
    > The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
    > ----------------------------------------------------------
     
  2. Amy.G

    Amy.G
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2006
    Messages:
    13,103
    Likes Received:
    0
    That was hilarious! Thanks! :thumbs:
     
  3. PJ

    PJ
    Expand Collapse
    Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2003
    Messages:
    3,952
    Likes Received:
    0
    :laugh: :laugh:
     

Share This Page

Loading...