Church Bulletins

I recieved this e-mail and thought it was funny.


> They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
>
>
> Thank God for church ladies with typewriters and computers. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
> ------------- -------! ------ --------------------------------

> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
> Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Miss Charlene sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
> ---------------------------------------------- ------------
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Irving B. and Jessie C. were married on October 24 in the church.
> So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
> Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
> Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
> They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
> Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> -- ---- ------ - --------------------------------------------
> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
> Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
> Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
> ------------------------------ ------ -- --------------------
> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
> ----------------------------------------------------------