Courtship

Discussion in '2000-02 Archive' started by Brother Adam, Sep 29, 2001.

  1. Brother Adam

    Brother Adam
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    Hi All!

    Can I share something with you?

    No? Well to bad! hehe [​IMG]

    well let me start by saying that I have some experiences with the whole traditional dating thing and God lead me to believe that there is a much better way (courtship).

    I have been single for quite some time now, and have LOVED it! (go figure- a teenager/young adult happy being single). So I know that I am strong in my relationship with God.

    Now me and a very close friend of mine have started talking about courtship and if it is something that we want to pursue. We know that we like each other alot and would really like to see a relationship grow and court each other, but we are not really sure exaclty how to go about it.

    We do have some idea, but I was wondering if you could give me some insight into how you courted your wife/husband and what worked/did not work.

    We do know that courting should not be about going out on "dates" but spending time with each others families and friends. We know that we need to be very God focused and pray with/for each other (we already do pray for each other often). We know that a courtship is to not be physical for the most part (we don't have a problem with a hug, but don't see holding hands or anything like that until we are engaged, if things go that far. And we know that we have to consider where our futures are headed and what our goals are.

    What else can you offer that we should look out for/work on etc?

    Thanks!

    Until Next Post, Adam

    [​IMG]
     
  2. Kathy

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    Here's my advice Adam:

    No [​IMG]
    and
    No [​IMG]

    LoL

    Kathy
    <><
     
  3. Bible Believing Bill

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    OH BOY am I the wrong one to ask! My wife and I dated for only about a month before we got engaged. :eek: We had causualy know each other about a year before that, but only at work. I know that I made the right decision to marry her, but I would not recommend that course to anyone else.

    My best advice is to pray and let God lead you where he wants you go. Other than that don't rush anything. I was blessed with a good christian wife even though I didn't know how important that was at the time. Not everyone recieves that blessing be sure you are one who does.


    Bill
     
  4. Brother Adam

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    Thank you newbeliever!

    KATHY!!!! :eek: ROFLOL

    Until Next Post, Adam
     
  5. Footwasher

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    Wow. I'm so impressed to hear a young man (besides author Joshua Harris) who thinks that courtship is the way to go. Most men seem to find it easier to date casually and "see what happens." In my experience, a woman grows old and gray while waiting for a man to "court" her. I believe strongly in courtship, but I've almost given up hope for finding a man who does.

    Anyway, I think your young lady is very blessed to have you.

    [​IMG]
     
  6. preacher

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    Hey Kathy... would this be o.k.... [​IMG] If not, you can always do like me & my wife...court for a month & get married!!
    But thats not recomended for every one, we knew without a doubt the Lord was in it from the moment we met.That way you don't wind up going... [​IMG] !!!
     
  7. Footwasher

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    <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by preacher:
    we knew without a doubt the Lord was in it from the moment we met.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    How did you know???

    As many people on this board have read, I believed with 100% certainty that God had brought me a certain man, but since that man now hates me and thinks I'm a mental-case (because I claimed that God had brought us together) I think it's safe to say I was wrong.

    So, back to my original question, how did you know for sure? How does anyone know for sure? [​IMG]
     
  8. Helen

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    Adam,

    Courtship was a formal affair undertaken with the father's permission. It honestly is not applicable for most young people now! But I think I understand what you are wanting, so here are some suggestions.

    1. Partake in a regular Bible study together -- not at a group with a lot of friends, but quietly together or with one other couple. This allows for serious discussions about different ways of looking at things. This will be important in your marriage. See how you handle conflict in this most crucial area.

    2. Get involved in some kind of charitable volunteer work together. This helps you see how well the other person handles commitment on a regular basis and how he or she deals with other people.

    3. Spend as much time as possible with each other's families. Family ties can strengthen or threaten a marriage.

    4. Spend reasonable amounts of time alone. Don't forsake yourself! I know that sounds funny, but we all have different ways of thinking and being when we are alone than when we are with anyone else. It is important not to lose touch with that part of yourself. The other person has fallen in love with you, and a lot of who you are has come from those quiet times alone. (In the meantime, if the other person is jealous of your alone time, or you are jealous of hers, you had better know that now!)

    5. When you are ready, start discussing what you want out of marriage. How many children? God's choice or yours? Both work or one? Wife works until children come and part-time after? What will work best for you. Cash only expenditures or how much to use credit cards? Kids and money are the two most frequent causes of marital fights -- and problems within the other's family runs a close third. Take care of all the bases you can before marriage.

    6. Talk about everything. Agreements. Disagreements. Good and bad feelings. Reactions. Interests. Areas of expertise and areas you want to learn more about.

    7. This is a question I have never heard asked in any marriage counseling session I have been aware of, either before marriage or after, and I personally think it is of PRIMARY importance: do you trust the other person's relationship with the Lord? If the answer is no, don't get married. For wives expecially, since we are to be subject to our husbands, can the woman trust the man's relationship with the Lord? NOT "what kind of a Christian" is he... that's not it. We can all improve. But the relationship itself. In other words, if the wife prays for a change in her husband's attitude about something, is he close enough to the Lord to hear the Lord's direction if the wife is right?

    That should keep you two busy enough for any replacement of the older ideas of courtship!

    God bless you both.

    In Christ,
    Helen
     
  9. Brother Adam

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    Wow Helen! Thank you so much for that wonderful advice. And it is all very good advice. I will run it all across to Teresa when I get a chance.

    I have a question though-

    You say in number four: "The other person has fallen in love with you" as in it has already happened, but neither one of us know what it means or feels like to truly be in love with another person. Could you give me some insight? I know I love her as a sister in Christ, but how do I know that I love love her?

    Thank you!!

    Until Next Post, Adam

    [ September 30, 2001: Message edited by: flyfree432 ]
     
  10. Joy

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    You know you love her when you have made a commitment to love her. True love is a decision one makes. The infatuation comes and goes both in dating, courting, and marriage relationships, that is why it is best not to use it as a barometer to tell if you are ready for marriage or if you love someone enough to marry.

    When you are ready to take that step of a lifetime commitment and never break it, that is when you know you love them enough.

    Modern courtship is based on the above premise. It discourages young people from casually dating many, many people, and looking for that special sign of compatibility, which is often mistaken with infatuation. The idea of modern dating encourages break-ups at the first sign of incompatiblity, instead of learning how to commit to one another and work out problems.
     
  11. Joy

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    Lest anyone be confused- courtship does not mean that your parents decide for you- that is arranged marriage- which is still practiced in some circles of IFB's.

    Courtship, under the supervision of parents is designed to help young people learn how to discern major character flaws, with the help of parents it needed, so that incompatibility is not an issue when the courtship begins. Hopefully, the parents have taught their children from the Scriptures how to discern, so that the parents themselves do not need to step in when big choices are being made.

    Courtship is also a way to keep young couples accountable, so that temptation doesn't get the better of them.



    It is important to remember that no two people are completely compatible, because we all have sin natures. That is the reason that commitment is so vital right from the start, in order to promote a healthy marriage later on.

    It is fairly easy to tell if you are attracted to a person or not, or even infatuated. If children are properly taught how to discern character and rely on the Word of God and prayer, and are ready to make a lifetime commitment, then years of dating and breaking up are not necessary. It takes a great deal of patience and commitment to date this way, because it requires you to wait until the right one comes along before beginning a relationship, that should last a lifetime.
     
  12. Helen

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    Adam,

    I agree with Joy that yes, love is commitment and service. But it's more where a marriage or possible marriage is concerned. It's waking up each day and appreciating the person a little more. Through the ups and downs of a relationship, that appreciation, I have found, grows almost constantly. In this sense, it's a time thing.

    You appreciate her as a friend now. So start doing a little more together, checking each other out. Do you find yourself actually appreciating who she is more and more? Are you willing to consider commiting your love and care and life to her wellbeing?

    That's one side of it.

    Here's another. Loving God means that you would rather have a bad name yourself than allow His to be dragged through the mud or sullied in any way. You, as a Christian, would rather make a stand for Him than for yourself. That's love.

    And one day should you find that you treasure the reputation and character of this young lady above what anyone may think of you yourself, that means you love her. That doesn't mean you have to marry her, mind you! But it does mean you love her.

    You will find the same goes for your children someday. You would rather be hurt yourself then allow them to get hurt. One of the hardest jobs a parent ever has is to stand back and allow a child to take the bumps and bruises he or she needs to suffer to learn what the word 'consequence' means! Your heart will be in full rebellion but your mind must rule then.

    That's love.

    One can get married and then learn to love the other. This is what arranged marriages hope for. And it certainly happens. One can really learn to appreciate and value the other person after one is married to him or her.

    Ideally, for us, we would like it all together.

    There's one more side to consider -- God's. What does HE want here? This is a matter for prayer. Ask Him to lead you. He knows what is best for you.


    One thing I told my children as they were growing up was that two people are like two dots on a piece of paper. If their faith is the same, in the same God and through the Lord Jesus Christ, then He is like a third dot above them. Connect the three dogs and you will have a triangle. Thus, no matter how far apart those first two dots start out, they will gradually grow closer to each other as they grow closer to the Lord.

    Take two more dots. Give them separate faiths. There is no common dot above them to bring them closer. They are aiming their lives in different directions. Thus, no matter how close they start out to be, they will inevitably grow further and further apart.

    And now, for the grande finale on this little mother-type sermon -- when it all comes together, MARRY THE LADY!!!!
     
  13. Brother Adam

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    Thanks again everyone for your advice and input. I ran most of what you said across Teresa and we agreed on everything but one point which is flexible as far as I'm concerned. We plan on getting involved in a charitible organization, and spending more time with each others families as a start.

    We also laid down ground rules for how our "courtship" should be handled over time, if we do indeed decide we want to.

    Until Next Post, Adam
     
  14. superdave

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    I know a couple people who believe in courtship, of course, they don't so they are still single, but that's because their definition is flawed.

    Too many people think courtship is "Not Dating"

    I never even thought about courtship at all, yet, I never "dated casually" so I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. My wife and I dated for two years before we got married, and we were friends for a year before that. We didn't break up at the first sign of disagreement, we discussed almost every aspect of our lives, so there weren't really any surprises when we got married, and we found that we were not only very compatible, but that we also were pretty good at dealing with disagreements or misunderstandings. And all of this was done within the context of "dating." We spent a great deal of time with my family, and as much as we could with my wife's as they were in a different state.

    To me, it doesn't seem like rocket science, and it doesn't need to be "courtship", it is just the way you go about treating members of the opposite sex from the start, and mutual respect and things like that. Some people view courtship as being the only way, and that the parents have to run the show, but our parents were involved because we went out of our way to involve ourselves in each other's family, not the family involving itself in our relationship. We were adults, and our parents treated us as such (as much as any college student can be called an adult :D)

    You have gotten quite a few good pieces of advice from the above posts, but don't assume that "courtship" will ensure a good marriage. Especially by its normal definition. And just a side note. I would not follow the "I kissed dating goodbye" philosophy. I was not impressed with the Biblical foundation or the lack of common sense displayed in that book. Plus you have to personalize it to your relationship. Dating/courtship whatever you want to call it is as unique as the people involved

    And hey, give that girl a hug and a kiss once in a while. That area needs a little more common sense too. :eek:
     
  15. Brother Adam

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    Superdave,

    I agree and disagree with some of what you have said.

    "Dating" As youth define it today is an "anything goes" definition. I could explain this further but I think you know what I am talking about. Me and several of my friends have choosen to call our approach to relationships courting because we don't want to be associated with traditional dating, which though Joshua Harris may be somewhat extreme in some of his views, makes an excellent point is ungodly.

    I have myself dated in a traditional (and some would say Christian) manner and got myself in trouble. I decided "courtship" was a MUCH better and far more godly approach than traditional dating.

    The object of courting is to see if this is the person you want to marry and in other words you don't break it off at the first sign of disagreement but instead work through those disagreements. If you can't handle a courtship, you can't handle marriage.

    "To me, it doesn't seem like rocket science, and it doesn't need to be "courtship", it is just the way you go about treating members of the opposite sex from the start, and mutual respect and things like that"

    It is not rocket science but too many times in dating relationships that mutual respect is lost, and lost all to easy. The woman or man can easily become a possession. In other words "he's mine" or "she's mine" which is not true until the two are married.

    "You have gotten quite a few good pieces of advice from the above posts, but don't assume that "courtship" will ensure a good marriage."

    True, but I believe a persons chances of finding that a courting relationship will lead to a solid marraige are much better.

    "And hey, give that girl a hug and a kiss once in a while. That area needs a little more common sense too."

    We do hug, as friends, but I will not kiss her until we are married (if we marry) out of respect for her and because I am not willing to put myself in a position that I could be tempted to stumble.

    Thank you for your input, I enjoy getting all sides of the issue [​IMG]

    Until Next Post, Adam
     
  16. Footwasher

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    You are a very wise young man, Adam. I like you. [​IMG]
     
  17. myreflection26

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    Somebody please tell me how to do those cute little faces...they are sooooooo neat!!!

    sue
     
  18. Footwasher

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    http://www.plauder-smilies.de

    Just copy and paste the UBB code that appears in the box at the bottom when you click on a smilie you want to use.
    [​IMG]
     
  19. Brother Adam

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    "You are a very wise young man, Adam. I like you"

    Now what am I suppose to say to that! Thanks Footwasher. May the glory be to God.

    Until Next Post, Adam
     
  20. myreflection26

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    Foot,

    thanks
     

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