Dave Barry's Colonoscopy

Discussion in 'Clean Humor' started by Jimmy C, Jun 6, 2008.

  1. Jimmy C

    Jimmy C
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    Didnt know where to put this thread health or humor or both

    Dave Barry is one of the funniest guys on the planet.

    _________________________________________________

    Ever heard of a colonoscopy? Ever had a colonoscopy? Doesn't matter......consider the following as required reading whether you are a first-timer or going back.


    .... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
    appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
    showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
    to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
    Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
    thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
    didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
    quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
    great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
    bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
    jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
    but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
    the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and star t eliminating food that you have not even e aten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
    morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
    was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
    and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they
    led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
    hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
    put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
    naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
    hand. Ordinarily I would have fainte d, but Eddie was very good, and I
    was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
    make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire
    Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
    where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
    see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
    somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to
    Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
    ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
    more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
    yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
    moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
    I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


    ABOUT THE WRITER
    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald
     
  2. SBCPreacher

    SBCPreacher
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    Now that's funny! I don't think I can share that one from the pulpit (and keep my job).

    My Dr informed me a little while back that on my 50th birthday (later this year) He's making an appointment for mine. Not really looking forward to that!

    I sure hope they're not playing "Dancing Queen"!!
     
  3. NaasPreacher (C4K)

    NaasPreacher (C4K)
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    Been there - done that :)

    Hit the nail right on the head!
     
  4. Deacon

    Deacon
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    Having given people conscience sedation for years, I was curious to finally experence it myself.

    They popped the line in and slowly began infusing the medication.

    I was alert, wanting to feel myself go out.

    I could see it begin to travel down the IV line towards me....

    I can only remember to the point when the medicine was about six inches from going in me.

    Soooo disappointing!!!

    One of the drugs used is an amnesic, makes you forget.

    Good thing too I guess; the tube is 17,000 feet long after all.

    Rob
     
  5. Mexdeaf

    Mexdeaf
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    It wasn't the 17,000 foot tube that got me, it was the vomiting I did AFTER the procedure because they pumped too much of the sleeping stuff into me. It ain't no fun but it beats cancer!
     

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