Dealing with controlling & divisive people

My wife and I met in a Christing dating service, and will be celebrating 14 years of marriage, with 2 kids!

Think the problem in your case is that the Mother is trying to "run the show", and IF you plan to become serious, you need to have your lady friend have a strong back bone and have her Mother 'butt out" she needs to put of a secured boundary zone!

need to nip it now in the bud!

 

34? Really? I thought you were probably 18 or 19.

 

I wasn't being sarcastic.

 

remember, that this is something that your lady friend HAS to do, not up to you!

 

Congrats JF, I think it will be beneficial to the discussion here. Can I ask how long you and Mrs. JF dated before getting married. The reason I ask is that I feel the OP based upon his other threads may be moving to fast on this whole thing. I don't think people are giving him a hard time because he's met this girl on line, as much as the whole scenario seems impetioutuos (sorry big word for a dumb country boy). But my point is alot of this brother's posts come off as "something has to happen now". It takes time to really truly know someone, and even at that you never will know them completely. Couple impatience with job troubles and you potentially have a recipe for disaster.

I was told once that a man has to live with the decisions a boy makes. I wish someone had told me that when I was younger.

 

We met and started to date... What made it interesting was that we lived 90 miles apart, so based upon her working 9-5, and me on afternoon shift, and her active on youth staff at church, could only meet her on either Wed/Sun...

BOTH were church days, so could only get dinner dates!

Good thing was got involved in ministry the two of us from get go, and we both could see that we were serious about walk with Christ!

dated about 1.5 years, and got married about 2 years after first date...

I did not even use term girlfriend until engaged, we never actually even kissed until marriage date, and get this...

BOTH of us were still virgins!

 

An unemployed guy with amorous intents came from out of town for a weekend visit and stayed overnight in Daughter's home unsupervised. Mother had never met him and knew that Daughter only knew him from phone calls and the web.

Mother was not happy.

Why do you think she should be?

You keep touting your credentials as an evangelist, glorying in the idea of being confrontational; yet you ignore both the fact that people look at a Christian's life as well as their words and that you are now in need of confrontation because of your actions. It is not one or two people rebuking you, it is many. Discount me if you like, but listen to them.

You need to start acting responsibly and honorably.

...And you may be better served by being more respectful of your potential mother-in-law.

 

Thank you for sharing. Thats what I expected to hear. :godisgood:

Just curious, since we are kind of on the topic has anyone read the books "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" Or "Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship" by Joshua Harris. If so what are/were your thoughts on them?

 

well, since my wife and I had practiced "virgin lips/bodies" guess say that we followed his example!

 

Next week it's going to be "My Precious"...

 

Sorry, but I am the one that's precious...he cant use that one.

John

 

How about a serious answer?

You have two choices Evangelist: Deal and tolerate or seperate. that's it.

My mother was your girl's mother. mine was mentally ill as well but that doesn't change what I'm about to tell you. My mother claimed my now sister in law of 30 years! was drugging my brother. She claimed my now husband of 24 years was selling drugs. And that was just the tip of the iceberg and we didn't have the unwise decision of sleeping in the same house without a chaperone to deal with.

Some people are simply SET that their way is the ONLY way and that you either aren't a Christian or God is going to get you good, if you decide to do things differently than they did. We dealt with that kind of stuff all.the.time. My parents wanted to tell us: where to live, how to spend our money, forbid us to do things such as go see movies or play cards (even after we married), you name it, they knew how to do it. And they knew how to lay on the god-guilt if we dared stray from the path. We didn't want to die and go to hell did we? They were only concerned for our souls..... yeah right. They were concerned with keeping control because they didn't know how to live without it. They had children to serve and entertain them and they wanted to keep things that way. And of course God expected us to honor our parents didn't He??? Oh yeah, they were good.

Now, here's the thing. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER. Your girlfriend can't change her mother! Mother has been this way for YEARS, her actions and personality are set in hard and fast. Hence the choice: seperate or learn to ignore her. I've done both over the years.

Seperating meant boatloads of guilt that had to be worked through even though I KNEW my parents were wrong. It also meant I had HUGE trust issues becasue if you can't trust your parents who can you trust?? Are you going to be willing to stand by this girl while she goes through what I promise will be intense turmoil?? If not, break it off now.

Dealing. Dealing was just as hard. It meant *I* had to set boundries with my parents and stick to them. And sometimes sticking to them meant seperating from them for long periods of time (reread the last paragraph). You can't set those boundries for your girlfriend. You can encourage her to maintain them, but SHE has to do the work. And its hard. Especially when they call up and say how much they miss their baby (which is an insult in and of itself because it implies she's still a child and incapable of running her own life, I was probably 40 the last time my parents tried that line on me).

It's tough and then they get old and NEED someone to help them. This sort of thing is the never-ending story. You have to develop a thick skin and say "I'm not going to reply to such drama. I'm not going to escalate the power trip. I'm not going to allow you to hurt my feelings." And then you have to be willing to love your wife(if you marrry) when she can't say those things and breaks down in tears yet again. And if you can't, you have no business marrying her.

 

You aren't the only one who thought that.

 

Why are you asking folks who are on this forum?

Do you not have wise elderly folks (both men and women) who are filled with the wisdom of God who you look to as mentors?

My sweet bride and I have been married for over 40 years, and, unless I knew you a whole lot better than what this forum allows would dare give you advice.


I will state what is below, for it is Scriptural and comes not as advice but as instruction from the Scriptures.

First, YOU need to find folks you can sit down with who are 25 to 45 years older than you are who have a history of walking with Christ in all their living.

Quit coming to this forum for answers on the personal social issues.

Secondly, the same applies to the girl. YOU have no right to counsel or give her advice. That is not your privilege or obligation - even if she asks. She is to seek out the older wiser Godly women for assistance and guidance.


Until the woman leaves the mother and father, she is under obligation to them or someone who has charge of her - that is Scriptural.

When the woman leaves the mother and father to be joined to a husband, she is no longer obligated nor in anyway beholding to the opinions and demands of the parental unit - that is Scriptural. BTW, joined doesn't mean marriage ceremony, but two becoming one flesh.

Until then, young man, butt out of the business of that family unit, for it is NOT your concern and will only bread ill will and trouble!

 

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I will pray for you . . .

. . . that God will give you, wisdom, knowledge and discernment concerning this situation.

God Bless ~






Bonnie Jean Garraway
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