Declaration of Revocation

Discussion in 'History Forum' started by Salty, Feb 10, 2006.

  1. Salty

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    Apr 8, 2003
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    Has anyone ever heard of this?

    Declaration of Revocation:
    by John Cleese
    To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of
    your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
    govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
    duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

    Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
    97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
    outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without
    the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
    any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
    Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
    'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness
    on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
    skipping half the letters.

    You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'
    not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

    You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
    Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if
    you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
    Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed
    with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an
    unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    Look up "interspersed."

    There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're
    not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have
    chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you
    won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft
    know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
    take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
    It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
    cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

    You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents ---
    Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with

    While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no
    such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is
    "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
    States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
    the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
    play English characters.

    British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will
    not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
    who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
    Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
    you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one
    kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
    very good game.

    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
    borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
    You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
    proper football.

    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
    difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
    to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
    involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
    kevlar body armour like nancies).

    We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by

    You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played
    outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is
    a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead
    of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
    "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
    gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
    longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public
    than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible
    enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
    permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a
    new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
    "Indecisive Day."

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for
    your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
    what we mean.

    All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
    start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
    you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
    conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
    understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
    'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they
    are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered
    fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
    Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
    "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
    traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served
    warm and flat.

    Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
    to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
    quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not
    actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper
    British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of
    known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The
    substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
    referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the
    product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
    referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true
    Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech
    Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. >From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline,"
    as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)
    prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to
    those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK
    petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
    therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
    Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
    sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,
    then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
    shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation.
  2. rsr

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    <b> 7,000 posts club</b>

    Dec 11, 2001
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  3. blackbird

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    Feb 21, 2002
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    Borrowing from the words of Bugs Bunny as told to Yosemite Sam

    "This means WAR!!!"

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