Divorce: Current Situation (need advice)

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Bottom line is that marriage is not valued in our culture like it should be. As a matter of fact I would say that our culture despises marriage. Just think about a few things.

The bible says, "a man who finds a wife finds a good thing." Yet in our culture we do everything we can to get our kids to postpone this "good thing." How many parents tell their kids to finish college, get a job and save some money then they can get married? What that parent has just done is elevate education and money over marriage. No wonder our marriages don't last; we go into them elevating things over our spouse and when we do get married we continue to do the same thing. Another scenario is the young man whose parents, community and culture tell him to travel the world and enjoy life then settle down. When he finally takes a wife what he is indrectly communicating to her is this: "Ive sucked all the marrow out of life now Im ready to marry you and die."

Most people in our culture go into marriage thinking that marriage is all about them and for them when the biblical world-view is much different. Marriage is created by God for God. He ordained it in the Garden and that marital relationship is to paint a picture of the church's relationship to Christ. No wonder so many people think they can loose their salvation or that God wil forsake them when 50% of the marriages around them are failing as well. Our culture has painted a horrible picture for the unchurched in our marriages.

"God hates divorce" according the the Scriptures. Now correct me if I am wrong but there are only two justifiable reasons for getting one; adultery and if the unbeliver leaves the believer. So saith Jesus and Paul. Abuse is not mentioned, neither is a drug problem. Not getting along or simply getting tired of each other is not excuse either. My friends we need to get back to a biblical world-view on this issue.

 

Unfortunately in this group you will find those who oppose divorce no matter what. I know I was cheated on, I closed the door to my marriage and I have people in here telling me I need to let the door remain open. This afternoon God closed the door permanently to my marriage and I for one am glad. God gave me my answer and I for one am going to rest tonight with peace knowing that I am on the right track. marraiage is put so far down the list to priorities because our friends, family, etc dont want us to be hurt. I am 30 years old I jumped into marriage 7 years ago and its over done with. I am blessed to have a little boy come out of my marriage but yeah I admit I dont think I will do the marriage thing again, its just not worth the heartache if and when it does go south.

 

then, based on what you are saying, I don't think the door to reconciliation is entirely shut.
I mean, to your mind it is, but, one never knows.
All I can say is go on with your life, pick up the pieces, bind your wounds, but never say never (about reconciliation I mean, and please don't let what I or others say get your hackles up. You keep forgetting the commas when you do).

 

I pray this doesn't sound too harsh...when things are typed the emotions often fail to accompany them. But just because a person makes a choice and files for divorce doesn't mean that God closed the door. Secondly "friends, familiy etc don't want us to be hurt" is really not valid. Sometimes marriage hurts because the people we love the most are often the ones who hurt us the most. Marriage is not a fairy tale....we have to get past the culture....the Greco-Roman views of love. Its not a majical force but a choice. Thirdly we have to get past this false idea that we just jump into marriage. We don't jump into marriage anymore than we jump into a job or jump into a place to eat. Again we made the choice. You have made a choice. No one could make it for you.

You will stand before God, just like I will, and give account and then ultimately the truth of it all will be brought to light.

I wish you well and pray the Lord blesses you and you get closer to him. Again if that sounded harsh I am sorry.

 

This is probably , even though a very common response, the most saddest remarks concerning a divorcee ever heard.

I'm sorry, but you are trying to finalize the situation and sound very unforgiving. have you ever considered the Lord can change this man and he be the one you fell in love with when you "jumped into marriage"???

I recognize the feelings of retribution and self satisfaction that you have taken this action, but time will not let you forget that which is past without getting everything right with God.

 

pretty judgmental and taken out of context as well.

 

Not when you've been reading all her posts on this topic.

 

Not Judged By Me!

To superwoman8977: I am the last person on this board who would cast stones in your direction. I have personally come in contact with those on the BB who are against divorce, and they are not just against it, they are harsh and judgmental [in a loving way] toward those who are hurt by the loss of a spouse through divorce...

It is my opinion, that no one has been called to judge another. We can offer our advice; our interpretation of God's Word in regard to another's situation; and we can, and should offer our loving support after we give our advice and opinion. As I said in another post, there are some marriages that are really beyond repair. When the spouse is being beaten to within an inch of their life; when one spouse commits adultery; and when one spouse just walks away and gives up on God and you; well, you can clearly see, that what God has joined together, only God can end.

I don't know your heart Sister, and I don't know how much you were at fault, but, that is not for me to judge. I went through a divorce that cost me more than a marriage. It cost me two children, my ministry and ordination. In the early 70's there was no way my denomination would allow divorce to take place, even if my ex filed for and secured the divorce, I was supposed to sit and wait for her to return to her senses. Well, 31 years later, she still is opposed to the concept of "us" so God provided me with a wife who serves and stands next to me in the ministry, something my ex, decided to walk away from.

I know there were faults on my behalf. In fact I was more than 50% at fault, because I allowed the enemy to enter the camp of marriage, and I didn't know how to send him away. After he was finished devouring the love my ex and I once shared, there was nothing left of our marriage.

If re-marriage is a sin...it is a sin that God can forgive me of, and I have every bit of confidence that He forgave me, and blessed me beyond that which I lost 33 years ago...

So, my sister...there is no judgment coming from this BB member. I want to wish you the best in your new life, and as Jesus told me, "Go, and sin no more!"

As for the author of this OP-ed, the decision to divorce is one that needs your most earnest prayer and fasting. There has been some WISE advice given to you, so pay heed to it, and commit it to prayer and fasting...Secondly, you need to put everything you have into saving it [counseling, personal repentance, fasting, seeking wisdom from your brothers and sisters]. If all else fails, the ultimate decision is truly yours and the Lord's. God will clearly show you the direction in which you need to go if you prayerfully allow Him.

Shalom,

Pastor Paul :type:

 

:thumbs: Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Divorce is not an easy thing to go through but in my situation its best for everyone. I especially love how I asked God for confirmation the door was closed and last night he gave it to me. Even if God changes that man I will not be married to him ever again. I lost 7 years of my life being his "soldier" doing what he asked when he asked and taking care of everything and no with all the people he has hurt and the crimes he has committed there will be no change in that man. Hes far too into himself to want to change. If being arrested for domestic battery for beating up his girlfriend and now having his career in the army court martialed, nothing is going to wake up that man. He has been shown the gospel and I thought He accepted Christ and then he was baptized and then when things got tough he ran and he hasnt looked back. I am just glad that God has been directing me and the kids paths and I have met someone and I am looking forward to building a new life. I was reading in the word last night about seasons in Ecclesiastes and it is so very true. To everything there is a season...well in my marriage the season has ended and it is time to move on to the next "spring" so to speak. My prayers are with you as well as I read your amazing testimony in this thread.

 

Has one of your kids ever gotten beat up? Did you ask them what they should have done differently as you were wiping a bloody nose?

Maybe later would be a better time.

 

This is a really good book for anyone dealing with the aftermath of divorce:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0891125191/?tag=baptis04-20

 

I think the real issue is that people are prideful and selfish. A lawyer friend of mine who used to do divorces told me that he quit doing divorces because he felt that most marriages could be healed if the couple wanted to but the majority were not willing.

Proverbs teaches that if someone seeks pleasure he will never find it, but if he seeks to do the right thing then he will find pleasure. People today are seeking pleasure. I cannot tell you how many Christians complained when I was pastoring about the depth of the sermons I delivered and the requirements in Bible study. Too many told me to just tell them what they needed to know. It was a sort of repaet after me attitude when IU really wanted thenm to know how I arrived at a particular interpretation of a passage. Often it was the young excited believers who were willing to grow and did what it took. Those who paid the price and studied always thanked me and often told me that they learend more than they had ever learned. If we expect nothing we get it every time. Too many pastors are catering to the lowest denominator of the complainers and those who lack the humility to pay the price of growing.

Today the U.S. is spending billions on athletics at the expense of disciplined education. Parents call universities and talk with the professors wanting their children to be coddled. Last year I had a parent come to me and I could see what was coming. Her son is a junior in college. She told me that she had heard that I was hard and before she could get the next senetence in I told her that I had been hearing that for most of my life and many students thank me later.

 

I would second Paul's wise counsel and those of others here on the BB. Come before God in prayer, fasting and seeking wisdom and then leave it in His hands to resolve this situation.

My thoughts and prayers go with you and your children J.

qb

 

I agree there may be times divorce can not be helped (some of have been described on this board), and I feel for those people, for the betrayal they've suffered. But divorce is all too frequent in the christian church, it has become the norm, it has become acceptable. This is not good, nothing seperates us from the world when we are willing to run for a divorce just because marriage is difficult.

 

And yet in another discussion thread you said you hope "soon to be the wife of another soldier".

What makes you think you'll have a better soldier/husband this time ?

 

Thats just scary. I served for six years in two conflicts. There were these women always trying to tag servicemen. I was wise enough to stay away but I could tell you horror stories of some of my troops....:tear:

 

Would you have been willing to keep an abusive (psychological and physical) atheist wife for the rest of your life? When I got married I was the prodigal son making merry. I had grown up as a good Christian but had fallen away. Why else would I have married an atheist? I realize most people don't believe that a 6 ft. tall 200 lb. man can be abused by a 5 ft. 4 115 lb. woman but it can and does happen. Most men are conditioned to never hit a woman. I never have. Some women believe that that gives them free rein to be physically abusive without fear of retribution. One night after going to bed I said something that ticked her off and she hit me in the face in the dark. I can show a very bad temper but it takes me a lot to get mad. I seriously believed that one of us was going to get hurt bad or worse in this situation so I left that night and that was it. Nobody could ever convince me that I did the wrong thing. Right after that experience I starting attending the local Baptist church and completely changed my life around. I think God used that horrific marriage to bring me back home.

 

Me Thinks You're RIGHT...

God used my back-flip into sin to get my full attention, and once He had my attention, He actually forgave me, and let this repentant sinner back into His family. As for unconditional love and forgiveness, God is AWESOME. He has since used those many years of eating "pig slop and bathing in their fecal matter mud" back into the Kingdom. If ever there was an example of the Prodigal Son and the ability of the Father to forgive and RESTORE, I am the greatest example.

You are so correct when you say: "I think God used that horrific marriage to bring me back home." Romans 8:28 is my victory verse, and it should be yours BB. Read along, and see what I mean. Romans 8:28 - "We are assured and know that [[a]God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose."

Irregardless of how we did or didn't get to the point that we should have gotten to [but allowed sin to detour us], in the end, we can revel in the words of Paul, "that all things work TOGETHER for our and His will."

Shalom,

Pastor Paul :type:
http://www.removethehaze.com

 

Yes I understand your point. My point was in the context of the original post. Here we have a husband whose wife apparently is going to divorce him. He has commited no abuse, no adultery, no alchoholism as far as we know. He is hurting and looking for some support from fellow Christians. And most did offer support. On the other hand, one poster called him selfish and whiney, and to look to himself to see where he'd been wrong. That is basically what I was reacting to. By all means, when a rejected spouse gets beyond that initial punch in the gut, so to speak, then they should begin evaluating.