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Do you know someone in church leadership who left with . . .

Discussion in 'Polls Forum' started by mcdirector, Dec 8, 2007.

?
  1. Yes

    36 vote(s)
    72.0%
  2. No

    11 vote(s)
    22.0%
  3. Could be - but it was fast and things were hush-hush

    3 vote(s)
    6.0%
  1. Tom Bryant

    Tom Bryant Well-Known Member

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    I've known far too many... I used to keep count to remind myself that I could be tempted, but it got too depressing.

    The pastor previous to me ran off and ended up divorcing his wife and marrying the woman. I spent the first 3 years here trying to repair the community tarnish and church members suspicions.
     
  2. mcdirector

    mcdirector Active Member

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    The numbers on the poll are sad. We've always been in mega churches (in my adult life), so it's meant that we've known both ministers and lay leaders. My kids have been friends with the kids of parents who have behaved - misbehaved - ACK there aren't any words. I remember the first time for the kids. I'd been home sick one Sunday and one of them actually left the service to come out and call me he was so upset. The other called on his way home. Not a good day. AND I'm glad it wasn't. I'm glad they are tender towards these reprehensible actions.
     
  3. Gwen

    Gwen Active Member

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    I have known several. One was the song leader of our church, and ran off with his wife's sister. There have been several more that I've known personally. Very sad...
     
  4. MaryKay

    MaryKay New Member

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    I think that we all have known this to happen.
    Yes it is very sad and I tend to get very depressed over these things.
    I live in a very small community and when something like this happens, it makes it very hard to witness to neighbors . I guess that is why as christians we are suppose to pray all the time for each other. Satan is always close by waiting for an opportunity to decieve us.
     
  5. Joe

    Joe New Member

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    It was probably a shock to everyone except the spouses
     
    #25 Joe, Dec 11, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2007
  6. Joseph M. Smith

    Joseph M. Smith New Member

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    In the case I reported, it was a total shock to the wife of my Sunday School teacher. It took her a very long time to get over what he had done. She moved to another church just to get away from the feeling that she was being stared at.
     
  7. Joe

    Joe New Member

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    I didn't notice he wouldn't look me in the eye
    I didn't notice his cell phone went off all the time and at odd hours
    I didn't notice the hang up calls
    I didn't notice we weren't having sexual relations, or very rarely
    I didn't notice that he wasn't as affectionate as usual
    I didn't notice he seemed especially antsy at times
    I didn't notice he seemed especially anxious at times
    I didn't notice he had all kinds of excuses for being gone
    I didn't notice he didn't want to go on vacations or overnighters with me
    I didn't notice he needed to leave the room to check phone messages
    I didn't notice he was spending more money than usual
    I didn't notice he was talking differently, obtaining new interests
    I didn't notice he started avoiding me
    I didn't notice he bathed quickly when he came home
    I didn't notice he was becoming more withdrawn
    I didn't notice
    I didn't notice


    I just didn't notice!!!!! :saint:
     
    #27 Joe, Dec 12, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 12, 2007
  8. Joseph M. Smith

    Joseph M. Smith New Member

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    I am remembering another instance, in the church I served as pastor. We reached a family that became very active, and in about two years' time people were mentioning the husband as a candidate for deacon. The Nominating Committee felt that he may not be quite ready ... and suddenly there was a call from his wife, saying that she had found motel receipts, that he had acknowledged having a "girlfriend" in another city, and that she had told him to leave the house. This he did, and of course you know where he went to sleep. I found him, sat him down for a talk, and he appeared to be most repentant. We made plans for how we could work on reconciliation, and prayed together. In other words, he told me what I wanted to hear; but nothing that I asked him to do was done.

    This good wife kept it secret for a while, but one Sunday morning poured her heart out to the Sunday School class I was teaching (oh, and this husband had been elected president of that class, and was doing a good job with it). The supportive help she received in our church made it possible for her and their child to stay, but the husband, so far as I know, remains in "outer darkness" to this day.

    At least we dodged a bullet of sorts in sensing that he was not ready to be a deacon.
     
  9. Joe

    Joe New Member

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    I read both of your posts. It's sad that you have endured this more than once. I believe the "Birds of a feather" saying applies more often than not, so you may have more messes coming your way if you still Pastor that church.

    Imo, some men, including godly men, light up like a Christmas tree when talking to women. It’s not sin, it’s just how they are wired. They love women. Most church members can tell who they are, but dismiss it as they would never hurt anyone, or convince themselves they are “imagining it”. Especially since they are friendly to the men also. If one repeats it or brings it up, it’s considered gossip.

    All churches have them. Usually.... they don’t hurt anyone. Often they run in cliques, as men who love women sometimes gravitate in groups with like-minded men and women.

    Just my opinion, but before they are installed as Deacons, I feel they should be lovingly approached about it in private. Maybe they weren’t aware of it until that moment. Maybe they think you are way off base. Maybe they're right. Or maybe they have some things to tell you which may result in their own conclusion-that the office of deacon may not be right for them.

    You could explain it’s similar to homeowners insurance. We mow our grass, install fire alarms etc.. to obtain lower homeowners insurance rates. An accident is unlikely, yet the chances decrease when we follow certain procedures. So….all you ask is to check in on them from time to time, maybe keep a little closer watch. Ask a few questions now and then. Either way, imo, they shouldn’t mind easing your mind by agreeing to some kind of mutual accountability to prevent accidents. Just an idea. Hoping this doesn't sound like a rant.

    Imo, there is nothing more damaging to a church than having church leader(s), especially the Pastor, involved in extramarital affairs.
     
    #29 Joe, Dec 12, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 12, 2007
  10. SaggyWoman

    SaggyWoman Active Member

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    Put that way, I run off when I can!! LOL
     
  11. Joseph M. Smith

    Joseph M. Smith New Member

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    Just to clarify -- the first instance about which I wrote was in a church where I was a member, not the pastor. I was doing campus ministry at the time. But your instincts are right, in that it seemed as though there was a kind of permission-giving that occurred, and several couples split, chief among them the pastor. When he seemed to have survived the crisis by promising that he would not remarry, then he began to show exceptional attention to another staff member (married), and she divorced her husband and married the pastor. More defections, as you might imagine. It was not terribly long until the two of them split ... and this time the church acted to dismiss. But terrible damage.

    The second instance was in the church I pastored for 20 years. It did not lead to duplication. I am now retired (but plenty busy with preaching and an interim pastorate)!
     
  12. Bro. James Reed

    Bro. James Reed New Member

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    Off hand, I can think of 3 Pastors who "ran off" with other women. 2 came back in repentance; 1 did not.

    I can also think of at least 5 wives of pastors who ran off with other men. Not one of them repented.

    A member or leader having an affair is one of the hardest things for me to deal with in the church.

    I absolutely hate it when people cheat on their spouses.
     
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