Embarrassing question

Discussion in '2003 Archive' started by lvwisc, Jun 3, 2003.

  1. lvwisc

    lvwisc
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    I have to be as vague as possible on this one, but still try to get my point across. My husband doesn't know Im posting this and would kill me if he knew, but I don't know where else to turn!
    Here it is..........
    My husband has some things in this house that some men seem to get addicted to, but thankfully my husband is not anymore. Mostly from my Godly influence in this home, and the fact that we have children around, he never gets to make use of these things. I want them gone! I went through the house a few weeks ago cleaning and put them in a "box of shame" I call it, in the back corner of our closet. I told him that I had moved them and put them there and asked him if I could throw them in the trash dumpster, and he said "no, I want to give them to ****(a friend), he'll give them a good home." WHAT?! This friend is a major supplier of these things, and also provides similar "entertainment" to my husband and other guys at work. Im just sick about it, but what I want to know is, tomorrow is trash day, and I could very easily put these things in the trash after he leaves for work and he wouldn't know they are gone until we move next year. But, at the same time, I worry that I will be out of obeidence because he already told me he wanted to give them to his friend, and I know it wouldn't stop him looking at the other things the guys bring to work. I just want these things out of our house in case the boys happen to stumble into the box. One of them knows how to read now, so Im really worried. What do I do? I know it seems cut and dried, but it's not to me.
    Thanks
    Kristine
     
  2. Baptist in Richmond

    Baptist in Richmond
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    Kristine:

    Is your husband a Believer?
     
  3. Johnv

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    As much as I'd vote for tossing them out in the trash, the material in question is your husband's and he's the one who needs to do it. Perhaps you could compromise, and give him an ultimatum: Either get the stuff out of the house by XXX day, or I'm going to get rid on them. Harsh as it sounds, and being a man myself, I can tell you that sometimes a man needs to be strongarmed to do something that's not a priority. It's probably not that he wants to keep the stuff, it's probably a matter of disposing of the stuffjust isn't high on his "to do" list.

    As for what he does with it, fret not. If he want to give the stuff to someone else, let that be his burden to bare and be accountable for. The higher priority for you is to have it removed from the household.

    Hope that helps,
    Johnv
     
  4. RomOne16

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    I can see your dilemma.

    I would say that as long as the items aren't illegal, that you should respect your husbands wishes.

    Have you asked him when he is going to remove the items from your home? If it isn't any time soon, you could always go and get one of those lockable metal file boxes to store them in so that your little ones can't stumble on to them. Lockable boxes are pretty inexpensive at stores such as Walmart and the like.

    As distasteful as the items are to you, I think that you risk making your husband angry and compromise his trust if you trash the stuff behind his back.

    God bless,

    Laura
     
  5. blackbird

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    Kristine,
    The word says that the wife is to be in submission to the husband---that's true! Some on the board will say that he has a right and that you should be obedient and submit to his request. However, if you look one or two verses over from where it says that the wife is to submit to husband it will tell you also that we are to "submit one to another"--in this case, you have something tearing you apart and your husband should see that your hurt is far greater than his pleasure--but he is not submitting to you in your greater need by getting rid of what it is you find distasteful--therefore, I say your husband is being disobedient to the word of God and has the greater sin.

    Blackbird
     
  6. dianetavegia

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    Kristine, you say your husband no longer looks at these things but still thinks they're worth having (Give them a good home). That's NOT a godly influence and not something that should be in your home.

    I would talk to your husband lovingly about how you feel that satan has a tiny corner in your home and you really would feel better if it was gone! Scripture doesn't tell us we are not to talk to our husbands! Hubby probably doesn't even think anything is wrong with keeping these books but he sure would feel differently if one of the kids was looking at it or caught him looking at it. I would be VERY honest with him and ask his permission to get them out of your house now.

    Diane
     
  7. Gina B

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    Have you considered one of the children accidentally tripping and spilling juice all over the box?
    Putting a note in the box signed by him that says "I'm returning this stuff and I really wish you'd leave your garbage out of the workplace!"

    Ok, ok, so both of the above aren't nice.

    Saved or unsaved, your husband is committing adultery by looking at or possessing such materials. Let him know this, and ask if he'd prefer the real thing or the air-brushed one made out of paper, because there's no way he can have both. If he has any doubts cut out a pic and tuck it next to him in bed and take off for a night.

    Gina
     
  8. Bro. James Reed

    Bro. James Reed
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    Interesting dilemma.

    Years ago, when my brother still lived at home, he had a collection of this stuff that he kept. Well, one morning, our grandma, who was visiting, found them in the bottom of the cabinet. :eek: :eek: :eek:

    If that wasn't embarrasing enough, she told our parents, in front of us, that she found them. Needless to say, they were soon gone, and HE was the one to throw them out.

    Let me make clear, I did not know about them until my grandma found them. Had I known, I would have trashed them myself, and I wouldn't have said a word to him about it.

    That house is just as much yours as it is your husbands. Tell him you do not want this ungodly stuff in your house. I realize the bible teaches wifes to submit to their husbands, but do we really think that God meant even when they are sinning against Him? Would you allow "the real thing" to hide out in your closet while he drags his feet over getting rid of her.

    The law says that you separately AND jointly own all of your possessions. So, in the laws eyes, they are just as much yours as his.

    Throw YOUR stuff in the trash. ;) There's nothing wrong with that.

    God Bless. Bro. James
     
  9. Susan WNY

    Susan WNY
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    On this issue, I do not believe you would be out of obedience to just toss this stuff out, for the reasons so eloquently given above. Just had two more thoughts to add to the mix. First, if the stuff has no value to him, why is he keeping it in the house? It only takes a few minutes to walk it out to the trunk and take it into work. I think he is more attached to it than he is ready to admit to you.

    The other issue is this: If you do get the stuff out of your house without his permission, it is as ineffective as pouring booze down the drain to stop an alcoholic from drinking. It really should be his idea and he should be the one to follow through.
     
  10. Dr. Bob

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    If you and your husband cannot talk this through and come up with a solution, you have far greater problems than you think. :eek:
     
  11. Major B

    Major B
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    If it was MY wife, the stuff would be shredded, or I would be...

    If he thinks this stuff should be given to a friend, he doesn't "get it" yet.

    If you and your husband were counseling with us, I'd send you and my wife into the outer office while I "discussed" the matter with your husband. We would "discuss" things until he decided the stuff was only fit for burning.
     
  12. blackbird

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    Major B,
    Same thing here! Why, my wife would . . .!!

    A preacher friend of mine told me the story of what happened to one of his church members who got caught up in porn--

    He was a fireman in a major city here in Mississippi and the guys at the firehouse had that stuff hangin' round loosely--just as common to see that stuff at the 'house than Outdoor Life or Sports Afield.

    Anyway, the church member got caught up in it and later on goes to this pastor friend of mine confessing and asking for help--"What do I do now? Do I tell my wife??"

    The preacher says, "Have you repented and turned away?"

    "Yes, Sir!"

    "Well then! You need not tell her. In fact, since you don't know how she will react--don't tell her!"

    Well, later on--the preacher gets a phone call at 1 in the morning--its the fireman. He needs the preacher to come over right now!!

    "You told her, didn't you?"

    "Yeh, I did!"

    "And now she's upset, isn't she?"

    "Yes, Sir!"

    The preacher goes over--the fireman lets him in the door--and there that wife is with a loaded .357.

    God help us, men! For your wife's sake--clean your thought life up!!

    Blackbird
     
  13. USN2Pulpit

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    lvwisc, you really want to get it out of your house? And be obedient to your husband? Then take the entire lot to the supposed friend for him! He's the one that said he wants to get it back to his friend.

    In this way, you wouldn't be going against your conscience or your husbands wishes. He said he wanted to give it back to his friend. Put your disgust away, get the stuff out of the house and take it to the supposed friend. In doing so, you'll be doing what your husband said he was going to do.
     
  14. lvwisc

    lvwisc
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    Good Morning everyone!
    Thank you all so much for your thoughtful advice. Im so humbled! Im going to take a mixture of your advice and do this;
    When he gets home from work tonight, I am going to tell him that he has by Friday to get rid of the "box of shame". Whatever he does with them will be on his conscience for the rest of his life. I will tell him that what he is essestially doing is hiding a naked woman in the corner of our closet and if he sees it like that he's sure to want to get rid of them. He will do as I ask. I know that God says that wives should be in obedience to our husbands, but not if they ask us to sin, and having this stuff around the house is definately sin! I'll throw that in too. I want to do what is right, and I appreciate all the Godly direction from you all. Praise God for this board!

    In Christ,
    Kristine
     
  15. Gina B

    Gina B
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    Kristine, I replied hastily so now I'm going to add what I should have also said before.

    Be ready for the consequences. You have kids, right? Think over the possibilities of his reaction and be sure that whatever you do, you're prepared to handle the consequences of it. Would he kick you out? Would he leave and you would suddenly be without any finances? Does he have a temper and perhaps might hurt you?
    Look over your options and think of his reactions and do what's best for you. It's sooo easy to reply and say what WE would do, but you may be in a situation where this wouldn't be best for you.
    I just thought it was important to bring that up. I've been in situations with my ex-husband where I did what any person would have done or advised me to do, and it still was not right for that specific situation as it harmed me and the kids more than him as I wasn't prepared to deal with the consequences.
    Gina
     
  16. Karen

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    Honestly, maybe, maybe not. I don't know that it would bother him, seeing it like that.

    Karen
     
  17. lvwisc

    lvwisc
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    Gina,
    No, my husband does not have a bad temper. Not at all! As a matter of fact, I think to myself all the time how easy it is to be submissive to him because he's so laid back! He wants me to make all the decisions and whatever I say is usually ok with him. (I feel like he's the one being submissive to me and I don't really like that) He's very easy going. Believe me, I've thought over what he will do when I ask him again to get rid of the materials. He'll get a little defensive, but not mad, and he'll just say fine, whatever. At that point I say no more because although he'll be very quiet, there's a storm of thoughts going on inside of him! He'll figure out a way to get that stuff to his friend, or to the trash. I have faith that he will.
    I did laugh though about what you said about the boys spilling their juice on them. That was funny! That was what the old me would have done for sure! But now I prefer to be more direct with him, in a Godly manner. He finds that much more respectful.
    On a side note, I have been going through my house this morning taking a second look at the things we have. I am holding our posessions to this standard; If I can dedicate this item to God, or if Jesus walked in the door and looked in every corner and crevace of this house, I will keep it. If not, it's gone! Everyone's personal standards are different of course, but most things my husband and I would agree on. This whole discussion has really sparked me on to put God first in ALL things, not just the things that I choose, or things that are easy. I want to get farther from the worldly things.
    Well, once again, thanks for the advice. Im glad the Lord directed me here.
    Kristine
     
  18. Son of Coffee Man

    Son of Coffee Man
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    Just one thing to add. Obviously this will not be a quick solution to the whole problem. So, you must be sure to appeal to his sense of reason. The more he understands fully his error and its consequences, the harder it will be for him to continue in it. Note that it is not impossible, just more difficult.

    SoCM
     
  19. dianetavegia

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    Kristine, I wouldn't suggest giving him a deadline and demanding he get rid of them. That doesn't sound godly... I would ASK him to help you load them in the car while the kids are in bed so they can't see the stuff and either quickly drive it to his friends house or to the dump.

    I like how you're looking at possession to see if they would be offensive to our Lord. There used to be a poem about "If Jesus Came to Your House" which asked things like 'what magazines would you have to hide...'

    I'll pray for you and hubby today that you'll have a big praise report for us tomorrow!

    God bless,
    Diane
     
  20. dianetavegia

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    IF JESUS CAME TO YOUR HOUSE


    If Jesus came to your house to
    spend a day or two,
    If He came unexpectedly, I wonder
    what you'd do.
    Oh, I know you'd give your nicest room
    to such an honored Guest,
    And all the food you'd serve to Him
    would be the very best,
    And you would keep assuring Him
    you're glad to have Him there,
    That serving Him in your own home
    is joy beyond compare.
    But, when you saw Him coming,
    would you meet Him at the door
    With arms outstretched in welcome
    to your heavenly Visitor?
    Or would you have to change your
    clothes before you let Him in?
    Or hide some magazines and put
    the Bible where they'd been?
    Would you turn off the radio and
    hope He hadn't heard?
    And wish you hadn't uttered that
    last, loud, hasty word?

    Would you hide your worldly music
    and put some hymn books out?
    Could you let Jesus walk right in,
    or would you rush about?
    And I wonder, if the Saviour spent a
    day or two with you,
    Would you go right on sayiing the
    things you always say?
    Would life for you continue as it
    does from day to day&gt;

    Would your family conversation
    keep up its usual pace?
    And would you find it hard each
    meal to say a table grace?
    Would you sing the songs you
    always sing, and read the books
    you read,
    And Him know the things on
    which your mind and spirit feed?
    Would you take Jesus with you
    everywhere you planned to go?
    Or would you, maybe, change your
    plans for just a day or so?

    Would you be glad to have Him
    meet your very closest friends?
    Or would you be glad to have Him
    stay forever on and on?
    Or would you sigh with great relief
    when He at last was gone?
    It might be interesting to know the
    things that you would do
    If Jesus Christ in person came to
    spend some time with you.

    Lois Blanchard Eades
     

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