Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

No, I would find it impossible to ever trust her again, and I would wonder if her repentance was real. I've forgiven her; that's all that's expected of us. She is SEX CRAZY. To her love and sex are one and the same. She told me once, "You don't love me because you don't have sex with me whenever I want it." Unfortunately, no one man is capable of that, because she wants it ALL the time.

 

Who was commanded by God to do so as a living object lesson to the nation of Israel. In the end, God divorced Israel and "cast them away" for their adultery. That's the rest of the story up to this point in history.

Fact: God does not always restore broken marriages.
Fact: God will not violate His own law of "free will" He has given each person.
Fact: Children are better off being raised by one parent in a home of peace, security, and safety, than by two parents living together where the father is usually drunk, violent, cursing, chronically unemployed, and beating their mother or pointing guns at her. Or where the mother is gone all night most of the time, stoned on drugs, and not caring for her children or anything else but the next high.

 

You asked, I gave you answer.

 

And my question was directed to men, DonnA, not women. Unless you are a man who is posing as a woman.

BTW, Jon-Marc, I appreciate your honest answer.

 

And how many of these reconciled marriages were men taking back their wives who had slept around with untold numbers of men? I would venture to say the majority of cases where marriages are reconciled, it is the woman taking back the unfaithful man, not vice versa. At least in all the cases I know of except one. A man's psyche and pride cannot usually handle the fact that his well has been poisoned by other men.

Sometimes reconciliation happens through God working in lives. Sometimes it doesn't because too much damage has done, the marriage vows have been broken, lives destroyed, the unfaithful spouse is unrepetant. Not all women in untenable circumstances and husbands like Nabal are as blessed as Abigail. Not all men who have unfaithful wives are allowed to stone them to death like they do in Saudi Arabia.

Oh, and can we please notice that when the woman caught in adultery was going to be stoned, Jesus never told her to go back to her husband, He just told her to "go and sin no more."

 

If it's on a public board, anyone can answer it.
Apparently you have to be a man to post on this topic. Prehaps it should then be moved the men's private forum.

 

I have heard preachers say that this is not divorce, per se, but a temporary separation.
They say Israel in its entirety is two kingdoms, the North, and the South. The south is Judah.
While God separated the Northern Tribes of Israel because of their idolatries, Judah on the other hand remained and the Lord did not separate her from Him, for obvious reasons.

 

A few random comments, against my better judgment since some are too easily given to misreading and reading things I don't say. I do not intend to imply anything other than what is stated here. If you have questions, ask me before flying off the handle.

Donna already quoted several verses on this topic. But more centrally is the whole definition of forgiveness. When (as you rightly say) Christ reconciled us to God through forgiveness, he set the standard for how we should forgive others (Eph 4:32). So we must ask “How does God’s forgiveness work with us?” and then answer “How does our forgiveness work with others?”

Can you imagine God saying to you, “I love you, Superwoman, and I forgive you, but I can’t reconcile. You did this one too many times”?

I can’t. I don’t see that in Scripture. And we need to think very seriously about that. As soon as God refuses to reconcile with me, then I can refuse to reconcile with others.


We have to acknowledge that sin messes things up. But that is the fact of living in a fallen broken world, and our very breath is more than we deserve, so we should not complain that we have to suffer.

It is always interesting to me that 1 Peter 2:21-25 (about Christ suffering as a pattern for us) is immediately followed by 1 Peter 3:1-7 (where we are told “Likewise …” and marriage is addressed). It seems that God is connecting the pattern of Christ’s suffering with possible suffering in marriage particularly in a home where one member is an unbeliever.

This is interesting in two respects, I hope you will take this with the heart of compassion with which I offer it and give it some thought rather than simply responding in anger.

First, it is an admission that you don’t want to reconcile. Might I suggest that what you want is irrelevant? It is what God wants that matters. The problem with our lives is that we spend them living for what we want. And that usually turns out bad for us.

Second, there is a suggestion that your husband “robbed” you of something, and I am not sure what that means. How did he rob you of something that didn’t belong to you in the first place? As a believer, your life belongs to God, not you. And then it belongs to your spouse (1 Cor 7). And thus to talk of “robbing you” of something might indicate a deep-seated and unrecognized issue of pride that you thought something belonged to you, and was yours to enjoy. We need to think seriously about our addiction to ease and comfort alongside our aversion to pain that we all struggle with.

I don’t say that to be harsh, but at times, we get in a place where we are not objective because of our circumstances, and it leads to us not being able to see straight about a matter. So I would urge you to give some more serious thought to the idols that might be lurking in the dark corners of your heart.

Eph 2:11-19 answer this pretty solidly, as does Eph 4:32 and Col 3:13.

But perhaps you underestimate the power of God to change people. Trust is earned; it can be lost; and it can be regained through much work.

I would not say she should take back this husband, but if he repents, she should with much prayer together and working through the issues.

The man who believes that he should love his wife as Christ loved the church will, if she is repentant … because Christ “touches us” though we have been with many others and do so daily. I think it is a question of who is going to call the shots in my life … me or Jesus. There is no human reason why a man or woman should take back a cheating spouse. But the gospel is not human. It is radical and it leaves a radical demand on our lives.

What is more real than the call of the gospel?

 

Yes (to your first question). There is also a bit of error in your thinking. Not all marriages are made up of couples that saved themselves for their future spouse. So lots of marriages have already had to come to terms with the fact that one spouse (or both spouses) have already "been with" one or more "others."

So as one other poster said this is as real as it gets.

 

Besides the faithful spouse being unwilling to reconcile, the only other thing that can keep reconciliation from happening is the unfaithful spouse being unrepentant and unwilling to reconcile. The vows being broken and lives destroyed are exactly what become healed when reconciliation does occur.

You are making the assumption that she was married to being with. Does the text actually say that she was a married woman? She may well have been a single woman committing adultery with a married man. Just a thought.

 

Brother Larry,

This is a very good post. It is well thought out, gives solid biblical advice, and while stating some very hard truthes remains compassionate to the hurting folks reading this forum.

All I can say is Amen...

 

I am curious as to how this is relevant here. I am sure you agree we should not judge obedience based on the number of people who obey. So if none of these reconciled marriages were men taking back adulterous wives, it would hardly matter.

I think here you get to the real issue of forgiveness and reconciliation ... Pride and psyche. We have way too much of both.

This is the legitimate reason for lack of reconciliation in most cases.

That's what is recorded. We actually don't know what else he told her, and we should be careful building theology on what he does not say.

BTW, has anyone here read Dave Harvey's book When Sinners Say "I Do". If you haven't, you should. Excellent book about marriage.

 

Pre- the marriage vows (covenant) and post- the marriage vows (breaking of the marriage covenant) are two different issues. That's real.

Perhaps she is thinking of his fidelity to her being "robbed." That's why the unfaithful are called "cheaters" because they "cheat/rob" what rightfully belongs to their spouse since the two became one.

Superwoman says she is ready to have a life with someone else. But maybe God has it in His plan for her to be alone for the rest of her life. It happens. There are worse things in life than being divorced, like remarrying and jumping from the frying pan into the fire just to not be alone and just to have help raising the children. There are many single Christian parents who are raising their children just fine without the other spouse and his or her lovers hanging around the kids.

Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation. Those are two different issues. We can and must forgive those who have offended us. (We also need to forgive ourselves when we mess up.) We can't be reconciled to the offender unless the offender seeks reconciliation. Reconciliation doesn't necessarily mean remarriage, but may simply mean trying to do what is best for the children if another marriage has taken place.

 

In another thread she said she hopes to "soon be the wife of another soldier" (not verbatim, perhaps). I sincerely hope the frying-pan-into-the-fire thing doesn't happen to her.

 

Based on what? This has been said several times, but so far that I have seen, no one has actually explained it. If forgiveness is modeled on Christ, how does forgiveness not also entail reconciliation?

 

interesting point

Not to hijack the thread, but I have heard this thought from many of my Christian sisters when speaking of someone in the congregation who has hurt them in some way....they will say, I forgive them, but this doesn't mean I have to be their friend....I'm going to study this today...the relationship between forgiveness and reconciliation. Can they be mutually exclusive?

 

superwoman,

Would it be humanly impossible to come to terms with your husband, settle things, and the two of you get back into the will of God? Put down that he has committed adultery. Put down that he found another woman. I am sure that if we were to talk to him, there would be things we would find out about you too. Bottom line... you BOTH have problems. You and I and the rest of BaptistBoard.com could go on for decades discussing what kind of a person he is, but would we get anywhere? You'll get somewhere coming to terms with your husband. You will not get somewhere (rightfully) blaming him and then looking for another husband. Didn't you learn the first time? You married this man, and according to God, you HAVE to stick with him. There is nothing wrong with being "separated" from each other, in fact it would probably do a great amount of good, but everything is wrong with being separated and living with another and committing adultery and et cetera. I really believe you want to do what is right and I see somewhat your obedience toward God.

If you do not mind me asking - when was your last communication with your husband?

 

good post

Good post, Shane.

I would also add that I would like to see the fruits of repentance in the husband's behavior...repentance in his actions. I would like to see if he has left adulterous relationships and separated himself to the Lord. Is he studying his Bible now, praying regularly? Is he seeking Godly counsel from his pastor or a biblical counsellor? Does he recognize his sin and has turned away from it?

Perhaps superwoman can biblically forgive, but reconciliation depends on repentance of all parties? What do you all think?