Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Pastoral Ministries' started by Hope of Glory, Dec 11, 2005.

  1. Hope of Glory

    Hope of Glory
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    In the thread about business meetings, there was a funny story brought up.

    What other funny stories have you heard about?

    One that I remember from NC several years ago, there was a snake handler who was charged with bootlegging. Where did he hide the booze? beneath the snakes. Oh, and he had the snakes defanged just to be on the safe side.
     
  2. Brother Ian

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    Unfortunately, the stories I've heard about business meetings have never been funny.
     
  3. Dr. Bob

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    We had a baptism of a VERY large lady. She was bulbously fat (500#+) and as I dunked her head, the rest of her body floated high above the water.

    My "water deacon" (in the tank with me) pushed down hard on her middle to get her FULLY immersed. This, however, pushed the water level up over the ledge of the baptistry and poured like a mini-niagara into the choir loft and down across the platform.

    It WAS funny!
     
  4. Hope of Glory

    Hope of Glory
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    OK, that made me laugh out loud! It reminded me of my wife's baptism. The church had a portable baptismal pool, and it wasn't quite deep enough...

    I had forgotten about that!
     
  5. John of Japan

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    Oh, yeah, baptisms are much more fertile ground for funny stories than business meetings.

    I heard of a man who baptized a heavy lady in a river and did every right--except he got her head pointed downstream and couldn't get her back up after dunking her. So then she floated off downstream and a deacon had to chase her. [​IMG]
     
  6. standingfirminChrist

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    Funniest story I have was at a baptism also. It was not during, the baptism, but afterward. The pastor who ordained me had taken a church group to Kettle Run in Nokesville, Va for a baptizing. My grandmother went along. My grandmother was 85, and her mind wandered quite often. When it did, she went right along with it. Well, while we were performing the baptisms, Grandma wandered off and no one noticed. When it came time to leave no one could find 'Sister Beach'. Several of us went wandering through the woods calling for her. Pastor Stanley and I found her after about 20 minutes. She had tired and sat down on a log to rest. We helped her up and went back to the baptism site. Upon arriving, Grandma announced to everyone, 'I found them, they were wandering around in the woods.'

    Everyone got a good laugh out of the Pastor and me for getting lost.
     
  7. standingfirminChrist

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    Funniest story I have was at a baptism also. It was not during, the baptism, but afterward. The pastor who ordained me had taken a church group to Kettle Run in Nokesville, Va for a baptizing. My grandmother went along. My grandmother was 85, and her mind wandered quite often. When it did, she went right along with it. Well, while we were performing the baptisms, Grandma wandered off and no one noticed. When it came time to leave no one could find 'Sister Beach'. Several of us went wandering through the woods calling for her. Pastor Stanley and I found her after about 20 minutes. She had tired and sat down on a log to rest. We helped her up and went back to the baptism site. Upon arriving, Grandma announced to everyone, 'I found them, they were wandering around in the woods.'

    Everyone got a good laugh out of the Pastor and me for getting lost.
     
  8. John of Japan

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  9. Bob Farnaby

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    Wen iwas younger (a lot younger) was with friends at a Calvanistic Baptist Church to hear a particular preacher.Near the doors were offering boxes with a notice on them "Free Will Offerings".

    A freind jokingly said to one of the deacons from that church "Thought you didn't believe in free will".

    About weeks later we were there again, the notice on the offering boxes now read "Offerings for the Church"

    Regards
    Bob
     
  10. John of Japan

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    Loved that one, Bob.
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  11. guitarpreacher

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    I have one similar to Dr Bob's. I baptized a very large lady in a swimming pool. The way the pool was made, it slopped very gradually till it got to the deep end, then dropped almost straight down. In order for the water to be deep enough for the baptism, we were standing almost right on the edge of the drop off. (we have this on video and it's hilarious to watch) I dunked her under and as I was trying mightily to get her back up, just as she regained her footing I stepped over the edge and disappeared under the water. That was one time that everyone was immersed, both baptizee and baptizer [​IMG]
     
  12. John of Japan

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    Laughed out loud, guitarpreacher!

    Different culture, similar problem. A tall missionary was baptizing a little Japanese grandma in the ocean. He grabbed her arm and started striding out. When the water started getting too deep she started saying, "Pastor...pastor...PASTOR! (glug glug)" as the water covered her head. Immersed before being immersed! [​IMG]
     
  13. guitarpreacher

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    Here's another. About a year and a half ago I had our youth pastor preach one Sunday morning. I went back to children's church and helped them for about the first half of the service, then eased back into "big church". Our youth pastor was only 20 years old, and I guess had led a very sheltered life, and what happened so freaked him out that he totally lost is thoughts and had to quit. We had a lady who had a baby that was about 2 months old. It came time to feed the baby and she got up and went to the back of the room (we were meeting in a gym at the time) and began to breast feed the baby. She was covered and it was discreet, but she nontheless was breast feeding. About the time I walked in, youth guy realizes what's happening in the back and he got so flustered he went straight to the invitation time. He had a 5 point sermon and was only on point 3. He completely blew off points 4 and 5. Of course, I was the only one in the building that knew what was going on, and I was about to roll in the floor. We do sermon hand-outs with blanks to fill in. After the service everyone was coming up to youth guy and asking, "What about 4 and 5?"
     
  14. John of Japan

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    [​IMG] [​IMG]

    Had a similar thing happen when I was in Yokohama and had a rookie missionary come and preach. Here's the catch--imagine an "auditorium" that can seat about twenty, and the back row is only about 4 rows back!! :eek:
     
  15. Gina B

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    Ok you pastors, try being the poor MOTHER when a pastor reacts like that!

    It was "Operation Cover The Heathen" in that place. It was my first time going to church as an adult, had my newborn with me, and didn't think a thing of it but I never saw a service come to a screeching halt that fast!
    It continued after a number of women rushed me away from the scene of the crime.
     
  16. John of Japan

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    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
    Gina L, we missionaries call that "culture shock!"
     
  17. guitarpreacher

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    I was in a SS class once where a lady was breast feeding. A friend of mine walked in late, and since the class was pretty full and seats were limited, he sat down next to her. Being a friendly sort of guy, he started messing with the baby. Poking at him and rubbing his head. He went on like that for 5 or 10 minutes before he figured out she was breast feeding. I have never seen anyone turn that many shades of red [​IMG]
     
  18. Dr. Bob

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    Had a deacon at FBC Barron who had lost a lot of weight and was having trouble keeping his trousers up. They had communion and each man holding a tray of cups as pastor prayed.

    With both hands occupied with the tray, his pants slipped down to his knees. Brought down the house. Service stopped and everyone just milled around, then left without communion or even a final prayer. And the scrawny old farmer never lived it down.

    We pastored in a neighboring town with kids from that church in my school, so we heard the story over and over from giggling schoolkids!
     

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