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Discussion in 'Clean Humor' started by Crabtownboy, Nov 23, 2011.
An avid golfer died and had the following carved on his tombstone:
Finally, one under!
A man's wife one time kept quarrelling at him for golfing all the time. He finally talked her into going with him one day. After constant nagging from her, he beat her to death with one of his golf clubs. The detective at the scene arrested him, and stated that they came to the conclusion that he had hit her eight times. To which he replied, "I know, but can't you put me down for a "4"?"
A man tees off on a par 5 and drives it into the rough. He has driven it a great distance, but the lie is very tight. He decides to go for the green anyways, and hits the ball, it bounces off a tree, hits him in the temple, killing him instantly.
The next thing he knows, he standing at the Pearly Gate, in front of St. Peter. He then explains to St. Peter what happened, that got him killed. St. Peter then asks, "Well, were you any good at golf"? The man then replied, "Well, I got here in two, didn't I"?
A man and woman were engaged to be married and they were disclosing faults in their personalities. The man said, "I'm addicted to golf. I think about it all the time and I want to play it all the time. I just can't get golf off my mind."
The woman said, "That's not so bad, but I need to tell you that I'm a hooker."
To which the man replied, "That's no problem at all. Just weaken your grip a little and you should be just fine."
A traveler stopped at an unfamiliar golf course. The club pro welcomed him and pointed to the first tee, where another lone golfer was about to tee off. "Go down and join him. He knows the course."
He did. The member pulled out a sleeve of balls and stuck them in his back pocket. On the first three holes, he hit a shot in a lake, another into some woods and out of bounds into some tall grass.
On the fourth tee, the member pulled out another sleeve of balls from his bag and stuck them in his back pocket. Over the next three holes, he managed to lose all three of them.
At the seventh tee, the member pulled another sleeve of balls from his bag, and stuck them in his back pocket.
"Friend," said the traveler, "I don't mean to tell you what to do, but have you ever thought about using old balls?"
"Son," said the member, "I don't have any old balls."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course" the cop asked.
"Yes, I did. How did you know" the golfer asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."