Headlines from the Year 2029

Discussion in 'Clean Humor' started by Deacon, Oct 30, 2013.

  1. Deacon

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    Headlines from the year 2029

    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

    Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

    Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped!

    Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

    Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

    Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will be at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces weekly mail delivery to Wednesday only.

    85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

    Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

    Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

    Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

    New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

    Congress authorizes direct deposit of previously illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

    IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

    Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines!!
     
  2. Salty

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    Linguinsts have been trying to come up with a prefix for the amout of the national debt:

    456,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.87


    Democrats blame the new debt to George Bush

    High Schools required to add a 5th year
    1) additional requirements for
    2) allows an extra year for varisty sports

    Mininum wage is now $ 29.16 per hour
    Overtime starts at 32 hours
    After 6 weeks of employment, 45 days of annual vacation is required
     
  3. thisnumbersdisconnected

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    That would be just barely over $456 nonillion. It's true!!
     
  4. Salty

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    oops I left off the last 9 "0's"
     
  5. JohnDeereFan

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    Confederate States of America refuses to grant aid to USSA.

    Hundreds of liberals walk off cliff toward cloud that looks like Emperor Obama. Nation rejoices.

    Last tree in Tennessee cut down to build Al Gore's 2,000,000 sq ft eco-friendly log cabin.

    Scientists desperate to fix America's economy and foreign policy exhume Reagan, clone DNA

    NFL issues new rule: Any physical contact during game will result in summary execution.

    Bob Costas speaks for five whole minutes without mentioning Jackie Robinson. Nation stunned.

    Emperor Obama wins unprecedented 6th term by 99% of popular vote. 1% sent to re-education camps.
     
  6. convicted1

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    NASA successfully lands on Mars. Finds Jimmy Hoffa's body....

    Bing Crosby's horse still hasn't crossed the finish line.....

    George W. Bush's remains are sprinkled over the rose garden at the WH. Roses grow six feet taller overnight....
     
  7. saturneptune

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    Convicted gets promoted from 1st to 2nd grade.
     
  8. saturneptune

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    I think it goes million, billion, trillion, quadrillion, quintrillion. I expect we will see quad in our life times.
     
  9. saturneptune

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    Banner Year For West Virginia Citizens: One Discovers Fire and the Other Invents the Wheel
     
  10. convicted1

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    Scientists actually find a Kentuckian with two teeth.....

    Geneologists find it easier to do a family tree when there are no branches...

    Two kentuckians drown in back of pickup because the tailgate was jammed..
     
  11. convicted1

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    Whew, that's a relief.....I thought I'd never get past "See Spot Run"........
     
  12. thisnumbersdisconnected

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    Getting in late, so might accidentally repeat some already posted ...

    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

    Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

    Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

    Futbol (aka soccer) becomes national pastime after last MLB player is executed for steroid use. Chicago Northsiders riot, burn down city, upon realizing Cubs for certain will never win another World Series.

    Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

    New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036. In related news, TSA now authorized to perform summary executions of those violating carry-on restrictions.

    Average price of a single family home in Southern California is$2,500,000,000 and a three bedroom apartment now rents for $80,000 a month.

    Celebrating Christmas now officially a felony as it offends too many people.

    US may phase out the worthless quarter next year.

    Temporary D.C. scare: White House staff attempts to surrender country to trick-or-treater dressed as Muslim imam.

    Hillary and Rosie call it quits after 20 years of marriage.

    Internet inventor Al Gore to be honored with national holiday during which carbon credits will be suspended.

    Stones to tour in support of "Give me Tax Shelter" CD, despite Keith Richards recent weight loss, now down to 35 pounds.

    Temporary D.C. scare: White House nearly surrenders country to trick-or-treater dressed as Muslim imam.
     
    #12 thisnumbersdisconnected, Nov 3, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2013
  13. Inspector Javert

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    "Prince William dies of early-onset heart disease Queen Elizabeth II mourns passing."

    "135-year old Hans Jensen suspected S.S. guard arrested by Israeli agents in Peru."

    "Emperor Obama sings the so-called "Empress Michele's law" outlawing tofu: states it was "..past-time this throw-back to barbarism and speceisism be banned."

    "Exhumed corpses of G.W. Bush and Reagan convicted of war-crimes in the Hague."

    "Girl (7) arrested under Hate-speech Laws for singing 'Amazing Grace'; Prosecutors to seek 20-year sentence."

    "Congress takes up bill to raise minimum wage to $85 hr....all three Senate Republicans threaten philibuster."

    "Chelsea Clinton...Meaghan McCain are calling it quits."

    "Federal Law now requires 85% of all t.v. personalities to be minorities; Jesse Jackson III, NAACP say law doesn't go "near far enough."

    "Court issues temporary stay of execution for Limbaugh, Hannity on treason crimes....citing "Environmental Concerns for disposal of bodies."

    "Up-swing in U.S. children's test scores, now 75th in Industrialized Nations...Secretary of Education Sacha Obama cites 'committment to diversity' for the improvement."

    "92% of American school-children suffer from A.D.D. new H.H.S. study finds: Teacher's Unions to demand more funding."
     
    #13 Inspector Javert, Nov 4, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2013
  14. convicted1

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    Wally Roy Hawkins, 12, convicted of hate crime, after playing "cowboys and indians" with neighbor's kid. Sentence is 20 years in a maximum security prison....

    McDonalds' commercials now have Ronald's husband, Jeffery Jones, in them. Clothes are no longer red and yellow, but pink and purple, with a bright pink 'do and purple bow.....

    Grass roots movement now includes the smoking of pot.....

    Moral minority finally squashed......

    Jimmy Johnson wins his 15th Sprint Cup title. He wins the "Huffy's 100" after Ricky Stenhouse's bicycle wheel breaks a spoke with 15 laps to go......

    Green Bay Packers win the Super Bowl after the challenged replay clearly showed both the defender's hand touched the WR at the two yard line as time expired.....
     
  15. thisnumbersdisconnected

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    Wait a minute!

    What makes us think newspapers will still exist in 2029??

    [​IMG]
     

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