Are you a real believer? I think I am not. When I was sixteen I went to the US for my last schoolyear. There I lived with three different families. The first one was Catholic, but they had bad relationship among them, so they got divorced soon. The next family were Baptists, but they hated each other too. Both host- parents were very sick, so they left to the hospital. Their children (two guys about 20-22 years old) could have sex with their fiancees right before the door of their house, so when I got home from school I saw them every time. It was too disguisting, and finally I was out of that madness. And so I got to a normal family, they were Baptists too, so I got baptized. I really wanted to study at Ron Luce's school for the Christians, so that further I could work at the big christian concerts. You must know what I mean. My church collected money for my education, but the US Ambassy never gave me the visa to stay and study. They said Ron Luce's school wasn't an educational organization. I tried to visit Baptist churches in Russia, several years worked as an interpreter for the missionaries, but it was really different. I don't know why. Most Russians say they're christians, but they are not the real ones. They were christened in Orthodox churches being small children, most of them wear a cross made of gold or silver around their neck. But it doesn't mean anything. They drink and smoke, they have sex before marriage, never go to Church. They prey only in danger. I'm the same with them now. I don't go to Church, though I believe in God, having Him in me heart. Sometimes I turn on that Christian songs I brought from America, BUT SUDDENLY FEEL ASHAMED... It feels like I betray them - my family, friends, my church, my God. I never write them letters, and it feels bad. Sorry for bad English write to me.... Lily4508.firstname.lastname@example.org I also have my own site where I want to talk about it, but don't know if it's allowed here to post other adresses.