How appropiate is it 4 a Pastor to....

Discussion in 'Pastoral Ministries' started by Phillipians121, Sep 20, 2006.

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  1. Phillipians121

    Phillipians121
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    share personal information to another women in the congregation about how bad his marriage and sex life is? One comment made was that if he knew then what he knows now he would have never married his wife!
     
  2. Tom Bryant

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    absolutely inappropriate ... :tear:
     
  3. SBCPreacher

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    Not appropriate at all under any circumstances! This guy's looking for trouble.
     
  4. Lagardo

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    That's completely over the line.

    One wonders why he would say this.
     
  5. gb93433

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    The mouth speaks from the heart. I think it mostly tells a lot about that pastor.
     
  6. FBCPastorsWife

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    Extremely inappropriate for him to do this!!! I would be ashamed to be married to someone like this!
     
  7. LeBuick

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    No good for the man of God, I wonder if he feels the same about his Church.
     
  8. rbell

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    IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: No offense, but we don't know you. You've not been around long (with your current handle), and we're getting only the info you give us. I'm always a bit nervous answering stuff like this...you never know what folks are wanting these responses for. You may be a fine fella--please don't think I'm judging you. I'm just saying we're responding in good faith to a very sketchy amount of info. Having said that, and assuming your facts are accurate...

    If this pastor is sharing this info with ladies, then I have little doubt he's "shopping" for a fling. He's asking for sympathy--especially in the sex area--because he's hoping for a little (or a lot of) action. Disturbing, but if you're accurate, I'm pretty sure I'm on target.

    Even if he's sharing this with men, it sounds like he's "testing the waters." This pastor should probably resign and get into marital counseling.

    If he's sharing this with an employee (secretary, pianist, etc.), then sexual harrassment might be part of the picture. Church officials (whoever that is in your situation--chairman of deacons, personnel chairman, or if you're not independent, a district head, bishop, etc.) need to be brought in ASAP.
     
  9. Phillipians121

    Phillipians121
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    Hi rebell I am a woman and over the last year he has shared with me mostly and a few times with my husband how bad his marriage is and his sex life is with her. He told both my husband and I seperately that if he knew then what he knows now he would have never married her evidently she was molested by her father as a child and is not intested in sex. she was very young when her married her still a teen and he was 7 years older.

    He also seemed to brag to me about things he did before he was married about not quite going all the way, but did other things and he even said he thought because of my personality that I might have a high sex drive etc. He told my husband that "she just lays there" during a lunch outing. My husband didn't know what to say so he just listened. Those are just a few examples of discussions that I felt were crossing my boundries and felt he was comming on to me for approval that he wasn't getting at home. He is a very good looking man around my age (his wife also is very good looking) so I think he mainly wanted attention like was mentioned by previous posters.

    He also makes comments from the pulpit that suggest his marriage isn't what he wants it to be...like before he wa saved he didn't want Christ to come back and now that he is married he can't wait. Another sermon talking about non Christians and sin... if he wasn't saved he could see how he would be with someone else and quickly said and then three months later someone else.

    I am at the point that I am not comfortable going tho this church any more and my husband agrees. The Pastor has been off for two months due to other issues which he calls burn out and his wife complaining he isn't home enough, which I find hard to believe since he is seems to be home more than most working husbands.

    Should I say anything to anyone?
     
  10. rbell

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    Get out of this church immediately. Don't go back to this "pastor's" church. Ever. Terminate all contact with this pastor. Especially you. This guy was talking about sex to you, for cryin' out loud. He's lucky your husband didn't punch him in the nose. (I'm glad he didn't, but he'll get that from someone's husband pretty soon). After leaving this church, contact the church leadership and tell them why. If they leave this guy in, and your descriptions are accurate, then this isn't a "church," and it's run by idiots, and you did yourself a huge favor by leaving.

    See my disclaimer above...I'm only commenting on what I can surmise are the facts.
    This is a train wreck, and if you hang around you'll be in the middle of it.
     
  11. Bob Farnaby

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    I agree wholeheartedly with rbell's comments (disclaimer included) It's not your responsibility to sort his problems out, report it to an appropriate church officer, and leave well alone. Too easy for your sympathetic (or merely polite) listening to be misinterpreted, stick very close, and obviously so, to your husband and don't get yourself left alone with the 'pastor'.. and pray for him, the church, and yourselves.

    Regards
    Bob
     
  12. Joseph M. Smith

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    I agree too. Even the absence due to burnout is probably a signal that he is in real emotional distress. He needs psychiatric as well as spiritual help. It's amazing that his wife has tolerated the public statements, and, if he will say this kind of thing to you, he has probably said it to others, and has said even more at home. I see a divorce coming ... but church leaders need to see if they can do more than punish him. They need to help him. But he cannot be a pastor under these circumstances.
     
  13. Tom Bryant

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    I'm not sure your denominational background but - disclaimer included - you might want to contact denominational representatives. This guy doesn't need to be inflicted on any other congregation.

    Not trying to hijack, but we Baptists need to do a better job of policing the serial abusers and predators in the ministry. I'm afraid that at times we erect a wall of silence instead of helping other churches get the info they need to make wise choices.
     
  14. Pastor Larry

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    If this story is true, take it to other pastors or deacons immediately. This man should not be a pastor. He should be disciplined from his church, with his sin exposed so that others may fear (1 Tim 5:22).
     
  15. Phillipians121

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    Yes this story is true with much left out. I do not seriously think he would have had an affair (but now in days who knows, he did talk about pastor friends being with prostitutes and such) I just think he was unloading and was trying to get some kind of approval, or emotional stroking of some kind. My husband and I were in counseling on and off for a year with him trying to deal with how different we were in handling our teenage son and how we don't work that well together because we do not see things the same way. But never about our own sex life that was never brought up. I just think he liked us and often would say in front of my husband how refreshing he thought I was and how fun and honest I was etc. One time while HE was out to lunch with my husband my husband came home and said he talked about ME for 15 minutes, My husband said...I am going to have to watch him around you. This is when I told my husband some of the things he told me in private. This is also when he told my husband his wife just lays there etc.

    One of his comments during a sermon was during a womens retreat so his wife and most of the women were not there I had to stay home for other reasons.
    He even did a whole sermon on a Godly sex life which you can tell his frustrations by listening to many things he brought up. Kind of read between the lines, if you know what I mean?

    I have a strong feeling his elders would just stick by his side since he is so well liked. I think moving on is best let someone else deal with him.
     
  16. Pastor Larry

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    I know this is tough, if it is true. But you cannot just "move on and let others deal with him." That is churches get ruined, lives get ruined, marriages get ruined, the gospel is harmed.

    There is a lot more at stake here than simply you. If the elders stick by him, then leave. But if you do not make it known, along with your husband, then there is great danger.

    There are two witnesses in this case, perhaps more. That meets the qualifications of 1 tim 5:22. If he is doing this to you, then it is likely he is doing it to other women as well. These things are typically not limited to one person.

    So as tough as it is, you and your husband need to sit down with several deacons, probably in the presence of the pastor (depending on the church consitution), and make this known. If you just walk away, some other woman whose resistance may not be as strong as yours will be harmed by it.

    But if you go public, you better not lie about it, or distort the truth in any way.
     
  17. Bro Tony

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    I agree with both Rbell (disclaimer too) and Larry. Especially when Larry said if you and your husband know this to be true, you must speak up. This is not someone else's problem. You said you both have been listening to this garbage for more than a year. It should have been dealt with from the beginning. Now that you are to this point, you must speak out, you must call out the warning. If others choose to stay with this pastor then the will have to deal with their decision, but you have listened and now have an obligation to the Body of Christ. Too many of these guys just get shipped off to another church to spread their poison. Stand up my sister and let not the evil continue.

    Bro Tony
     
  18. Phillipians121

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    We are getting ready to leave on a 3 day trip, so I will discuss this with my husband and see what he wants to do.

    I have a feeling that he will just turn it around and say he was trying to help us with our counseling sessons or make it look like I wanted him...isn't that how it usually works?

    The reason it went on for so long was that i did feel sorry for him and was actually trying to help. Since nothing progressed to the physical and never felt he would jeapordize his ministry and marriage we didn't say anything. My husband is too laid back to take a stand on many things, one of the reasons we were in counceling. He is too laid back to discipline our son he is too laid back to do yard work and follow through etc. get the picture ;)
     
  19. Magnetic Poles

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    OK, this is another issue altogether. Address these with your husband, not with an Internet message board.
     
  20. gb93433

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    In a meeting with all of the deacons present.
     
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