How to Give a Pill to a Cat and a Dog

Discussion in 'Clean Humor' started by EdSutton, Jun 7, 2009.

  1. EdSutton

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    Jan 9, 2006
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    I like this, and I actually do greatly enjoy our many pets, FTR.

    How to give a pill to a cat and a dog


    1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
    arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
    and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
    apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
    hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
    Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
    Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill

    4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
    arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
    jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
    forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
    of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
    knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
    emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
    one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
    pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

    7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
    from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and
    repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
    and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing

    8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
    cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill
    in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
    and blow down drinking straw.

    9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to
    humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
    Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
    carpet with cold water and soap.

    10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
    pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and
    close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
    mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
    with elastic band.

    11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
    door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
    scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek
    and check records for date of your last tetanus jab.
    Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
    back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
    one from bedroom.

    12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat
    from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
    crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
    last pill from foil wrap.

    13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws
    with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
    room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed.
    Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
    steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
    pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive
    you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
    stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
    from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
    order new table.

    15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
    and ring local pet shop to see if they have any

    DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, Toss into air.


    #1 EdSutton, Jun 7, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2009

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