I feel like reading the bible is totally senseless

Diane, how is this supposed to happen? I have had fears nearly my whole life! I am the kind of person which could go to the psychologist every week for the rest of his life and still nothing would be okay.
No psychologist in the world could solve my problems.I have been to a psychologist a few years ago and it didn't help me. He only told me what I already knew.
I needed inner healing. I wish the holy spirit would just heal me with his love. I did everything which I could. I went to a conference and spent a lot of money cause I thought I would get the holy spirit and leave as a new person but nothing happened, at least I didnt notice anything.This was very disappointing. It simply drags me down when I hear teachings and when people say how keen the holy spirit is on healing us wiht his love. This makes me feel like I'm the last idiot! I need the holy spirit so bad but in my case nothing happens. And others talk about him and say that he wants to heal is so bad. It sounds like he cannot heal us cause we don't want to. But I want to and my problems are still there, this upsets me so much and it drags me down so much. Also when they say that Jesus is there when you've got bad times. I don't feel Jesus when I'm desparate, I feel nothing. I feel like he's not there but others talk about how Jesus is there. You see, this is something I cannot understand. It makes me feel like I'm a 2nd class christian and this saddens me.

@ followhim

I'm 23.
My family is atheistic. Basically I became a believer after having problems and I knew that only God could help me. I always thought there might be a God and so I prayed to him and God helped me. This was the day when I realized I've been really bad my whole life. From this day on I felt really good cause I knew that there is a God and I knew he's nice.
But I didn't really think much about it, I didnt even knew if this made me a christian. But then one day I emailed with a non-christian and he told me to read the bible! He said Ezekiel was a cool story so I bought a bible and this is how it started. One day I also gave my life to Jesus after finding a sinner's prayer on the net but I cannot really remember when it happened.
But it didn't take long for my obsessive doubts to arrive. It began with doubting my own faith. I had days when I felt like I don't believe anymore. I felt like God is gone and I didn't know what would happen if I died on such a day where I'm confused. When I have such days I am totally paralyzed and cannot focus on anything else. I cannot study or do something productive cause these issues have to be solved before I can focus on other things.
I have a few friends on the net but in real life I have no friends. I have no car and the only churches in my town are run by the state, they are dead. The christians there are most likely not even born again, I dont know.This is my problem. Without a car you can forget it.
Oh yes, and my life is pretty messed up cause I studied 2 courses and quit both of them.
I simply cannot stand pressure. And now I'm studying sociology and it's also not a good thing cause you have to read atheistic stuff and deal with people like Marx which were atheists.
I am scared this might affect my faith. I become confused so easily. I am really scared that I might lose my faith or suffer from their atheistic opinions. I dont want to read or understand how these atheists thought and how they saw the world. I doesnt interest me. This is like poison to me. But I have no chance. My father told me this is my last chance. If I quit again he'll throw me out.
I always wanted to know God's will for my life.If only I knew what I should do. Only God knows where I can be happy in life.

 

@ JesusInFirstPlace

You're not telling me anything new. Like I said I have NO choice! My parents will throw me out if I don't study this cause it's my last chance!
I simply applied for all kinds of courses and I never would have chosen sociology if I had had a free choice but I had to apply for everything possible.

I know that faith comes from hearing the word but this doesn't help me cause I still get doubts! I dont even know what the bible says! Take Isaiah 53:5 for example. Everybody has a different opinion about it! Some say it means we wil be healed others say it doesn't. So what shall I believe? How can I have faith in something the bible says when it's not even clear what the bible really means?
I tried to be healed, it didn't work. I read in a book from Hagin that you simply have to accept your healing. I did that. I accepted it. I threw away my medicine as a proof to myself that I really believe cause I was already becoming kind of insecure. And then I sat at home and my symptoms did not go away. It became worse. I was attacked by doubts, I didn't know what to think. I asked myself if I did something wrong. I asked myself if I ruined it. I had no idea if I was still on track or not. It was terrible. I couldn't stand the pressure anymore and gave up and went to the doc. It was really terrible, this pressure was insane. I thought that God wanted to heal me right on the spot but because of my doubts I messed it up. I felt so bad.I cannot try this again. If I had had a christian who could have helped me in this time, who could have encouraged me then maybe it would have worked but I was all alone and had no clue what was going
on.I really dont want to do something like this again cause as soon as I know that I have to believe something and must not doubt something I can already feel the pressure arise once again. I dont want this pressure again.I am simply scared of failing and this fear already makes me fail.It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am scared and my faith is not strong.And when I ask for something I already think about what I'm going to do if it doesn't work. I already think about how I'll react if it doesn't work. This is not normal. It straps me off all the privileges which I have as a christian. Prayer is a mighty weapon but I'm paralyzed by doubts and fears and cannot really use it.