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If You Think You're Getting Old-Read These....

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by righteousdude2, Jul 17, 2013.

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  1. righteousdude2

    righteousdude2 Well-Known Member
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    I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my friend,is the definition of 'OLD'!

    ~ ~ ~

    Just before the funeral services, the undertakercame up to the very elderly widow and asked,'How old was your husband?' Looking at him, she replied, "98, two years older than me!"

    "So you're 96,'' the undertaker commented.

    She responded, "'Hardly worth going home, is it?"

    ~ ~ ~

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    'And what do you think is the best thingabout being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied,'No peer pressure.'

    ~ ~ ~

    I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
    hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, at least I still have my Florida driver's license.

    ~ ~ ~

    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,so I got my doctor's permission tojoin a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour...But, by the time I got my leotards on,the class was over.

    ~ ~ ~

    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will andtold her preacher she had two final requests.
    First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
    'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

    ~ ~ ~

    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

    ~ ~ ~


    Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

    ~ ~ ~

    It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

    ~ ~ ~

    These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,'For fast relief.'

    ~ ~ ~

    THE SENILITY PRAYER:

    Lord, grant me the senility to forget the peopleI never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

    ~ ~ ~

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

    My wife told her friends that while she didn't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

    :laugh: :laugh: :wavey:
     
    #1 righteousdude2, Jul 17, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 17, 2013
  2. John of Japan

    John of Japan Well-Known Member
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    Thanks much for sharing these. The wife and I laughed quite a bit--because we're getting there! :laugh: :wavey:
     
    #2 John of Japan, Jul 18, 2013
  3. Fred's Wife

    Fred's Wife Member

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    Love that "Senility Prayer"....very appropriate!
     
    #3 Fred's Wife, Jul 18, 2013
  4. Robert Snow

    Robert Snow New Member

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    Thanks! Can't wait to share these with the people at church, if I remember! :laugh:
     
    #4 Robert Snow, Jul 18, 2013
  5. HankD

    HankD Well-Known Member
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    Ever have a kid ask you what you mean when you say "you sound like a broken record"?

    HankD
     
    #5 HankD, Jul 20, 2013
  6. thisnumbersdisconnected

    thisnumbersdisconnected New Member

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    A few other "indications" we may be getting old, if I may ...

    1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

    2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

    3. You wake up feeling like it's the morning after and you didn't go anywhere the night before.

    4. Your little black book contains only names that end in "M.D."

    5. Your children begin to look middle aged.

    6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

    7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't fill.

    8. You look forward to a dull evening.

    9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."

    10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

    11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

    12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.

    14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

    15. Your back goes out more than you do.

    17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage doors go up when you see a pretty girl.

    18. The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

    19. You sink your teeth into a steak ... and they stay there.

    20. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

    21. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who used to exercise.

    22. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

    23. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

    24. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

    25. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

    26. You didn't notice that I skipped # 16 because I'm getting to old to remember how to count!
     
    #6 thisnumbersdisconnected, Jul 20, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2013
  7. saturneptune

    saturneptune New Member

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    Here is an old one, threatened to me by Mom on several occasions. "You are grounded for a month of Sundays." Does that mean the four Sundays in one month or thirty Sundays?
     
    #7 saturneptune, Jul 20, 2013
  8. JohnDeereFan

    JohnDeereFan Well-Known Member
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    No, but when a kid in a store asks for my phone number, I like to tell them "REdwood 1 - _ _ _ _" just to confuse them.

    When I was a kid, it was GYpsy 1 - _ _ _ _ and, yes, we had a party line. Our ring was two shorts and a long (and, yes, we liked to eavesdrop).
     
    #8 JohnDeereFan, Jul 20, 2013
  9. HankD

    HankD Well-Known Member
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    Or have the operator call you back when a long distance line was available...

    HankD
     
    #9 HankD, Jul 20, 2013
  10. Gregory Perry Sr.

    Gregory Perry Sr. Active Member

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    Good Stuff Guys!

    Ah yes....."A merry heart doeth good like a medicine"! (Prov.17:22) Thanks for a much needed laugh. My adult men's Sunday School class will enjoy these in the morning as well!

    Bro.Greg:saint:
     
    #10 Gregory Perry Sr., Jul 21, 2013
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