Featured Is it really "Our time to die" when murdered or killed....

'What is impossible for man is possible for God!" Unless jesus was wrong?

 

I thought it was God's role to deal with your ex-husband, in His time, in His place, as He see's fit.

When did it become my responsbility "to deal" with a man that I've never seen? Never heard his side of the story. Never had the opportunity to share the gospel with him. Nor pray with him. Or anything else that one member of the body of Christ can extend to another.

If I remember correctly, somewhere in one of your posts you were mad because the church didn't "deal" with your ex as you (your opinion) thought the leadership should have done. Without knowing exactly what happened at your church, there's nothing for me to deal with, as I don't know their side of the story either.

From what I gather from your posts, you've also acknowledged sin in your life. Should I "deal" with you, in the same manner that you are implying in your first sentence with towards your ex?

Other than pray for the both of you, what else do you expect me to do?

 

I had not read this post when I made my last reply.

I doubt there's much left to be said, after you made this statement.

"it isn't my exes SIN I'm having a problem with it is God allowing it without any accountability...from the church or even to me etc."

YOU expect God to be accountable to YOU?

Your second paragraph is meaningless in view of your first paragraph.

 

didn't paul adress someone speaking like this in romans, regarding trying to tell God how He should be running things?

 

If that were true more people would be living more Godly lives....just saying

 

sorry for your misunderstanding again..no not God, my husband never has admitted any wrong in either marriage, has never apologized and is on to the next one to hurt...but God did allow it, for His good plan right?

 

Marriage is a whole other subject. God ordained marriage. I have been married 37 years one time, so I have a good handle on what I am saying. After the Lord brings two together, both being flawed, the marriage takes work. It is not a Lawernce Welk Show or Disney movie.

As the old saying goes, it takes two to Tango, even amongst non dancing Baptists. You said that your husband never admitted his faults? Did you? Did you even recongnize yours? When angry words broke out, did you feed into them, or do the tit for tat thing? Did you always have the last word? Did you use other family members as pawns in the games people play?

Another question that comes to mind, you said he did not admit his faults in the first marriage. Why did you expect that to change in a second? That tells me you had plenty of warning.

What I would like to know is what does that have to do with a marriage between a man and a woman that God ordained. The Lord gave a model for marriage, Christ and the Church.

What goes on day to day in the trenches is up to the two parties involved. Christ expects His children to behave like Christ.

 

SATURN...I agree it does take work, problem was I was the only one really working on it. he was too passive. I even tried Christian parenting classes...never sunk into his brain...counseling and the pastor even said, "**** I can see why you are SO frustrated, he doesn't even listen to me or follow through with any homework"...yep same thing in the classes we took...hey if you don't get it you don't...even God can't help you...not YOU, but people in general

I did everything in the marriage and I shouldn't have had to but if I didn't nothing would have gotten done, believe me I tried and it didn't....the kids,(he played with them indoors, never outdoors and helped them with their homework) the farm, my race horse business (I also had clients) all the animals, the shopping, cooking, cleaning, finances, even when it came to sex I'm the one who made it interesting...which he loved yet his ex didn't so he was even passive there? I think he really wanted a mother not a wife???

See the thing is I NEVER lived with a man nor had I dated one long term, other than one for a year when I was 17...too picky and independent etc. so yes I had warnings and when I voiced my concerns to the pastor and his wife all they did was talk me into being with him cause he was a Christian and I was a single mother 6 years and everyone thought he would be good for me...so I guess their influence didn't help matters....but I do agree

 

Well, we do have this in common, I NEVER lived with a man either. LOL (or an unmarried woman for that matter). And do not get me wrong. I am not saying it is your fault. The fault is always on both sides. From reading your narrative, it sounds like the fault is tilted to his side.

The Bible says a man will leave his mother and father to form a new family unit. I have known people who lived with their parents until the day they died or their parents died. Even if one decides not to get married, it is not normal to live like that. Westens like Bonanza and The Big Valley always irked me because Little Joe would have to ask Pa if he could go into town, and Little Joe was forty something.

I must admit I do not understand your point about your husband not doing anything with kids outside, but confined his activities to inside like homework, etc. I was not a great sports fan, but did play ball with my kids or took them to organized sporting events like Little League. Their granddad took them fishing. We all pitched in I worked midnights and was not in the jolliest of moods during the day. We pretty much split everything since the kids are out with their own families (except I am 60 still awaiting grandkids). For example, we use a push mower, she mows the front yard and me the back. She weedeats, as I love to destroy her flower beds. I pay the bills, and she manages the day to day expenses. etc, etc.

I will give you this. In your situation, I do not know how you deal with someone who wants to be Mommy's boy instead of a husband and HOH. I would only live with a parent on either side for two reasons, one an emergency where we lost our house, or two, if the parent moved in with us for medical care. Never, ever would I advise anyone to live with a parent in a child parent relationship as an adult.

 

I've been on my own since 18 after living in my 2nd foster home. He had just LEFT a 20 yr marriage when he met me...that is also another story...If he hadn't lied to get me we probably wouldn't have married...but what did I know...I'm only human and I was young and naive?...not only that I didn't know he lied to after he left me and I called his ex wife and asked her a few questions...then it all made sense. BTW, we got along, since we would go over to HER house cause his adult son 30's now 40 never left the house...I did have that clue that his kids when I met them were messed up, but he blamed her and I could SEE why.

I'm pretty sure I've said it several times, my FAULT (as I'm big on keeping short accounts) is MY REACTION to his bad behavior...I wasn't verbally very nice...and that isn't who I am...so that was hard. He was too wimpy to handle LIFE...he told another counselor all he wanted was PEACE...all I wanted was to be ONE

My life is also filled with unprovoked drama from day one...it is my lot in life. God has His reasons and I see what they are...I am different...always have been and because of that He is using my differences.

My ex was a NERD, his interest were opposite of mine...And he was raised in San Fran so no yard and he isn't athletic at all, I played with the kids outside, we both did attend kids games and practices and other activities he was involved that way of course....My activities are more others centered. he only liked things that involved mainly himself, his art, writing, airplanes, science fiction and fantasy..he was more of an introvert. He didn't even like helping pout at church or any of the mens ministries (he had close relations with his friends at work he knew for years many who were Christians, so that was all he needed or wanted)...so like I said, even though I feel God put us together I often wonder if it was just for a season....cause there was much good.

 

You are a strong willed woman, you are the type woman that wears the pants in the family. Strong willed people man or woman can make it rough on a passive, quite, layed back person. A strong willed woman will always have problems in any marriage. If you married a strong willed man imagine what life would be like. You two should have dated for a long period of time to really get to know one another. If you meet someone else i would suggest you put away the pants and wear a dress and get involed with what he likes to do.

 

How dare you judge me like that....that is not true. Like I've mentioned before I am a very balanced woman...who exhibits BOTH sides of everything. I am left brain right brain...dominate/submissive...Introvert/Extrovert....feminine/masculine...(meaning I'm not as emotional like most..im level headed and athletic) I am logical/creative...and so much more.

MELANCHOLY/CHOLERIC...some Sanguine

What do you mean do what he likes to do?...you don't read do you? I said everything he liked were things that don't involved anyone else...I went to airshows, we did everything together...that is what kept it going for 17 year...everything together! If anything he didn't do what I wanted to do...cause he couldn't since he had no coordination!

You are right in the fact that I should not have a wimpy man..oh did I learn that, but sad to say this man will have trouble with anyone, cause if he had been more manly and take charge I would have GLADLY enjoyed his laid backness. My older son is a great example of being laid back but manly and he take care of things...he is involved with his wife, my boy even cooks....my ex did NOTHING unless asked or told...he didn't even wash his own car, nothing!...that gets real old, real fast. I thought as long as he is bringing home the money he did, and was faithful...I will just do everything, and I did...but once he retire 4 years before we divorced that is when it got bad.

I'm great in relationships...why do you think so many men wanted to marry me, and 4 wasn't even with physically...and even more since I got married at 29. I have a lot to offer to the right man...I need a manly man who takes charge yet in a gentle in loving way. All my relationship ended on a good note...meaning I never hold a grudge and am very forgiving...and for the most part I just break up cause I don't get into relationships or keep them long (I have a 2 week to 2 month bs meter) if there are too many deal breakers...therefore I can't really say I am a problem to live with, unless you have major problems, then I quickly say goodbye. But once I'm committed I stay committed...I do fit my sign Taurus like 80%...tenacious, yet patient.

I rent out rooms in my house for the last 2 years and I can tell you that alone broke me of my bad habits I developed with my ex..I used all those opportunities (and I had some pretty bad renters) to not be controlling and just wait and see what happens...I learned to tell people one time, and if they didn't do what I had asked (had ones who helped out) I would just do it myself and then I noticed they felt embarrassed and they picked it up a notch the next time...or they noticed I didn't ask again for 3 days so they went ahead and did it. I've learned a lot from my divorce and my marriage...I know what kind of man I need and want....FOR SURE ONE I CAN RESPECT!...Dr. Phil says, "You Teach People How To Treat You"..my ex taught me how to treat him and yes I was wrong and I apologized (he never did) and I got help for it and haven't acted that way since...I actually feel so much freer...we just were not meant for each other...maybe someone else...and like the pastor said, "if I had been the man and he the woman it probably would have worked."

I actually met a nice Christian man today and I can't believe how much we have in common and we both connected real well and said so, so who knows, he is 10 years younger than me with 2 young girls 6 & 8...(I love kids) and he has his act together....so who knows. I do want to get married again, I am the marrying type as I am very domestic, and enjoy it. I need and want to take care of people...not ENABLE....big difference...I'm a giver, pleaser, server...so you'd be surprised how uncontrolling I really am...live and let live. Don't sweat the small stuff, just enjoy each others company and have fun...but don't cross my boundaries or your going to hear about it in a logical way, not a out of control crazy way most women do. One thing guys love about me is the always KNOW WHERE THEY and I STAND...no games with me.

So your assumptions were overall wrong, yet right when it came to my ex CAUSE I HAD TO!...

 

seems that you would have a hard time accepting man as the hea dof the household though! that God intends the Husband to steer the boat so to speak!

 

And you will see, if you read the entire passage you allude to your will find that he will steer it in the direction that is good for the wife and children and not necessarily where he would most like the boat to go. :wavey:

 

just saying that it appears that ous sistor wanted to keep on steering their boat!

 

Not true...I've had relationships since my divorce and I do just fine. secretly women want a man to lead it takes all the pressure off of us...and we can do what we were called to do NURTURE!

Like my dating profile says, "looking for a man to lead and I will follow cause I trust his judgement"...first off I know what to look for and second if he is competent and loves the Lord, why should I not let him? There is much security in that and I'm all about security. I also believe that it is ok for women to do what her natural bent allows her to do...if she is better at the fiances then she should do them, if he is a better cook then he should cook or they eat out whatever....point is while I believe God made us to have our gender roles, that doesn't mean we were all born with the gifts to do them

My ex was adamant about putting $120,000 down on our home (we had $30,000 left over) and I didn't want to but I said ok, cause he knew what he was doing (I trusted him on many things he was good at) and now I am glad he did since I own the home and it is on the market and I'm not upside down. I'll walk away with $200,000. He also said only ONE dog, I was fine with that too. Overall he wasn't one to put his foot down on much, but when he did I respected him for that.

BTW, a good woman knows how to get what she wants out of her man and it isn't by demanding, complaining, whining, screaming, nagging etc...it is by loving and serving, sex, food and so many things...a wise women will use the charms God has given her to woe her man....just saying.
Like I said my ex still loves me...we are better off friends.

I find it interesting that you stick up for the man and not me....so it is ok for a man to act wimpy and not lead and not be a man? So you go after the woman?...from what I remember it wasn't EVE God had a problem with it was ADAM!....I knew many on here were bias.

 

not biased, just saying that you seem to still have some resentment about this, unforgiveness, and that you just might have to realise that God would want you to "tone it down' a tad, and allow for the man to be able to assert himself a bit more at a time!

 

If you are a phlegmatic-sanguine, your phlegmatic side will dominate. This will result in a greater tendency to introversion (though still less than a melancholics or pure phlegmatics). You are congenial and cooperative and get along well with most everyone. Because of your emphasis on harmony in relationships, you are peace-loving, conservative, well-balanced, easy-going, with a dry wit and a talent for bringing people together. As an employee, you are compliant, dutiful, orderly, and subdued (and probably were as a child too). Others may not realize that you have a sanguine side -- at first. It may take a little longer for you to make close friends (because you do not reveal your feelings or thoughts as readily as the more extraverted sanguine-phlegmatic), but once you do, your sanguine nature can assert itself. It will also show up when, for example, you have been so dutiful and compliant about work or school that finally you need to relax and unwind and now the sanguine, fun-loving side comes out. Or, when you are hanging out with your closest friends.

You are very thoughtful of others, with a knack for empathically putting yourself in other peoples shoes, and value peace and harmony at all times. You also have a great sense of humor and an easy-going manner that makes you a valued friend. You are discouraged by criticism or negativity and need acceptance, support and cooperation in your personal life. You can be deeply wounded by sarcasm, harsh criticism, and anger when it is directed at you. You will not, however, directly fight back but prefer to turn the other cheek or redouble your efforts to please.

Phlegmatic-sanguines tend to prefer movies, concerts, or other forms of relaxation that are a bit more spectator-oriented. When they attend parties, they tend to prefer smaller groups, rather than the large social gatherings a pure sanguine enjoys. Like sanguine-phlegmatics, they are very attentive to relationships, to harmony among people. They have deep feelings, hate negative criticism, and become discouraged by negativity in those around them. They are strongly tempted to repress their own wishes in order to preserve peace in a relationship. A stressful situation (especially one that is interpersonally demanding) may cause the peaceful phlegmatic-sanguine to withdraw into solitary television watching, playing computer games, eating or sleeping, instead of directly expressing their negative feelings.

A danger for the phlegmatic-sanguine is to be satisfied with achieving less than what he is capable of -- whether because he tends not to plan for the future or because the more challenging goals seem to be too much trouble. A phlegmatic-sanguine will be strongly tempted to quit if he doesnt think the end product is worth the effort or if he fears he wont succeed. Perhaps the most besetting difficulties for this temperament mixture are the natural inclination to peace and quiet (tempting one to laziness), a preference to live within the moment (superficiality), and a tendency to make decisions based first on the desire to please someone else or to restore harmony.

In a relationship, the phlegmatic-sanguine is true-blue. He is likely to be a great listener, is willing to put others first, and has excellent mediatory skills. You are a supportive friend and a cooperative employee; however, this can cause you to say yes to demands of friends or colleagues, without first analyzing whether this choice is actually the best choice to make. At times, wanting to either please your good friends or avoid conflict either at home or at work, you may go with the flow when in fact a strong stance is necessary. Or, you may avoid a more demanding task or career move in order to maintain harmony and stability. If you find yourself stuck in a rut or avoiding making the extra effort required to make an important change, take time out to analyze your goals for the future, realign your priorities to reflect your values and, if necessary, seek spiritual direction to ensure that your values are aligned with Gods will for you.

If your temperament is phlegmatic-sanguine, for a better understanding of your temperament it is recommended that you read the full descriptions of the phlegmatic and sanguine.

 

Passive Aggressive Behavior Defined:

Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.

Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."

Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.

Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

The Passive Aggressive and You:

The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.

The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.This is why divorcing a passive aggressive can and often does lead to a high conflict situation with long-term negative consequences for all involved.