I just listened to a sermon and the pastor said that repentance has to come first. He said there are half christians which are miserable because they never repented. They are far from the world but not close enough to God to enjoy him. Do you really think that everything follows a strict order and unless it happens exactly like this it's not real? Maybe before you can even get saved you have to be confronted with your sins and you have to realize that you're a lost sinner and then you can accept Jesus. But what if you want to accept Jesus but don't feel convicted of your sins? I mean in my case everything there was no strict order. I had noone who preached to me. It would be so much easier for me if everything could be nailed down to 1 exact day where somebody preached to me an then I accepted Jesus and know that it all happened on this 1 day. This would make everything more tangible. But in my case everything was different. This is stupid somehow. How do I know if everything was done correctly and if I even had the right faith? The bible says faith comes from the word of God. But I hadn't anybody who read to me from it. I dont even know if I ever read the gospels in school. Maybe I heard snippets from it. But I still had this feeling that there's something about Jesus. But if real faith can only come from the bible and I had noone who read the bible to me and preached to me then what if this proves that this feeling which I had isn't real faith and if it's not real faith then everything is useless. If everything had happened on 1 day and if I had directly noticed a noticable change then everything would be much more real. But in my case it all happened over a period of time. I also didn't feel convicted in the beginning. What if the fact that it didn't really happen in a certain order proves that God had nothing to do with it? This makes me feel insecure about everything. I mean how do I know that God really had something to do with all these circumstances? When I listen to a sermon and the pastor says that it has to be like this and in my case it wasn't like this then this scares me. How can I ever find peace this way? This way I'll always become scared and start to question everything. What if this is simply the result of it and I'm simply lacking the most important things? Maybe you cannot even become saved when you don't know all these things and when you have not been preached to and been convinced that you're a sinner. In the beginning I didn't even know that you have to accept Jesus. I thought that God's on my side because I had a problem and prayed to God and asked him to help me and also promised to become a better person and I believe God helped me and I was happy. And then I thought that God is on my side since he helped me. I didn't know about all these things. A few months later I spent more time with christianity because of health issues which made me focus more on death and the afterlife and then I went to christian forums and asked questions and also got a bible and then I remembered all these things about Jesus dying for our sins and I became scared that maybe I had sinned too much and that God is done with me. I also thought that if I died I would have all these bad deeds but no good deeds on my account. I had many misconceptions. But I also didn't know it any better. And then I thought about what a bad person I had been and apologized for it. But when I did this I don't know if I knew that I am a sinner or not. I mean realizing that you are a sinner is not the same as knowing that you have sinned. When you realize that you are a sinner you realize that you're bad, that in you there is nothing good. I don't think that I really understood this at this time. At this time I only thought about all these big sins which I had done which I remembered. But what if this wasn't enough and in order to get saved you have to know that you are a sinner, that you're totally evil and that there is nothing good in you? If I had a different testimony then everything would be easier. There are simply so many things which I can think about and then ask myself if everything worked. For example not even knowing when you prayed a sinner's prayer for the first time is also stupid. I cannot even say when I did it. Most likely I would have done it right away but since I didn't have it and also didn't even know what such things exist I also couldn't do it. In the beginning I simply thought that I have to change and don't want to go on this way but I don't think that you can call this repentance. Maybe I would have repented if somebody had directly told me how it is but I didn't know all these things. And after this I remember that I tried to be more friendly but it didn't work. A friend of me once sent me an old email from this time where I wrote about hating people and even though I didn't want to I couldn't stop it. Somehow there are so many things which I can doubt. I don't even know when God really started to work on me. During those first months I was basically a seeker but not a christian because I didnt even know what being a christian really means. Having a structured, clear testimony makes everything much easier.