Laws We All Know

Discussion in 'Clean Humor' started by mandym, Jun 1, 2012.

  1. mandym

    mandym
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    1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

    2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

    6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

    7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

    15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

    17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

    19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
     
  2. Jon-Marc

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    #6 also works at the grocery store. It never fails that if I change checkout lanes, the one I was in will immediately start moving faster than the ones to which I moved. If I move back to that lane, it will slow down and the one I moved from will speed up. It NEVER fails.

    I've also found that the weather is proportionate to how much I'm wearing. If it's very warm outside so that I wear shorts and a T shirt to the store, the temperature will drop drastically. If it's chilly so that I wear heavier clothes, it will warm up considerably.

    If I give or throw something away after not using it for years, I will always suddenly find a use for it.

    If I put something in a safe place where I can easily find it, I won't be able to find it.

    If I write myself a note to remind myself to do something, I will lay something on top of the note and forget about it.
     
  3. ktn4eg

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    The law of parking lots:
    The farther you had to park away from the entrance to the store, the greater the odds are that someone who's parked right by the front door will pull out of their parking space as you walk by it.

    The odds of this occurring will increase exponentially when it's pouring down rain, hailing, or snowing heavily.
     
  4. abcgrad94

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    The laws of grocery lists:

    If you make a list, you will misplace it or forget to bring it to the store.

    If you give a husband a grocery list for bread and milk, he'll come home with 2 gallons of milk, a frozen pizza, a bag of chips, and no bread.
     
  5. Jon-Marc

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    Hey! I resemble that remark! I've done that so many times, and I'm the one who wrote the list. I have learned not to shop for groceries while hungry, or I bring half the store home with me.
     
  6. saturneptune

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    Here is another law, if one is married, once a day one will hear, where did I put my keys, and once a week one finds themselves helping her look for them.
     
  7. saturneptune

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    One of the reasons that they do not let wives preach sermons in Baptist churches is that the service would never end.
     
  8. saturneptune

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    I am pretty good at avoiding road rage, but these really get my goat.

    First, you get behind an older person in a Grand Marques. Same pattern. They go 20 mph in a 45 zone and you cannot get around them. The driver has his nose stuck to the windshield and mouth wide open. This goes on for a few miles as you cannot get around. Finally, you approach an intersection. The guy in front of you going 20 mph slams on his brakes, turns right, then AFTER he turns right, he turns on his signal. There ought to be a law and a guided missle on my car.

    Here is another one. You are going 45 on a 50 zone on a four lane in the right lane, and approaching a red light some three blocks away. A car behind you is tailgating, goes around you in the left lane at 70 mph, cuts you off, then slams on his brakes for the red light. Same comment as above.
     
  9. saturneptune

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    The last job I had required a tool box and pouch to perform the duties. As with us all as we get older, I forgot more and more where I would lay things. Well, my buddies at work picked up on this, and when I would bring a set of tools out to do a job, they started hiding them. What was so bad, in addition to figuring out where I left my screwdriver, I would have to figure out if I forgot, or they moved it. Nice guys huh?
     
  10. Salty

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    You know I have never met a road that was mad.

    You could be refereing to DRIVERS RAGE!

    Salty
    Licensed Drivin instructor

    PS - just part of L.E.F.T.
     

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