Love and Marriage.

Kayla....I'm not a golden oldie or anything..(only 18) lol, but I, under the guidance of my youth pastor, have put down a criteria of things I would like my mate to have, and things that I know God wants my mate to have. If you would like to know some of them, I would be glad to show you, but not out in public (lol)

Jamie

 

I actually made a list of 10 things that were important (Christian, good family, certain height). It seems silly and everyone thought I wouldn't find the guy that would fit the list. It was just a month after I made that list I met my boyfriend who happens to be all of the things on my list and more! Know what you want but just be reasonable with it.

 

Hmm..Lets see if I can remember what my "qualifications" are (I keep them in my journal, and it's not the journal I bring to school!) People tell me that I need to meet Superman! No particular order after the first 2.

1. A Christian. (Duh)

2. A Passionate Christian--for me, it's not enough to be content to warm a pew. He will be willing to jump in and serve wherever God calls him to. He won't be ashamed to share his faith with anyone he has a chance to.

3. A sense of humor--I don't want a "boring" guy or one that can't handle being joked with. I want a guy I can play with.

4. Knows when to be serious--as much as I want a "playmate" I want him to be able to know when to be serious.

5. Teachability--not from me, from God. I want him to be open to God breaking into his routine (Those moments when God says "Your schedule can wait, I am about to teach you something).

6. Love God first and then me.

7. Take his role as the God ordained leader of our home seriously. He is to be the spiritual leader and the leader of the other areas in our home. I'm not saying that I won't be active in making decisions, but I want to be able to trust God and my husband and be able to follow my husband because he walks closely with God.

8. Take "divorce" out of our dictionary. I was pretty scarred by the divorce of my grandparents. I don't want to enter into a marriage with the attitude that when things get hard, one of us can just walk out.

9. A heart for missions--I don't know if we'll be out on the field together for a long period of time, or if we can do short term trips through our church (maybe I'm supposed to go on mission for a couple of years and then come home to meet him--don't know yet) but I want my husband to share the passion I have for the unreached people in our world.

10. Supportive of my work. I'm a writer. Not extremely successful yet, but I have goals of writing a book and some freelance articles that I will get paid for. (have been published twice, am waiting to hear from another magazine right now). I want to be able to share my work with him, to learn from his knowledge of God's word, and to have him be able to tell me where problems in my work might be. I don't want him to be like my dad in the area of my writing--until a month ago, my dad had never read anything I wrote after 1989.
I want to be able to say "honey, I need some help with this, what do you think it needs?"

Ok..those are my "top ten" I actually met a guy that met ALL of them, plus some, and God said "let go." So I did. Now I'm walking along single and just being available for God.

 

Golden oldie? Hmmm.

Don't get married because you are unhappy or lonely or (you name it). Marriage is not the end all, be all, completion.

God is, through His Son.

 

I would encourage to you to take the Scriptures and find a Biblical reference or principle and write that next to each criteria. That changes the list from what you want to what God wants. The Lord tells us that His ways are not always our ways and His thoughts are not always our thoughts. I would also encourage you to stay away from the "funny" criteria like "he has to be blonde" or "he has to use Crest toothpaste." It is important to have a husband that is physically attractive to you but that should not be the deciding factor.
I have been married for 10 years now to the man that met the Biblical requirements that I had written out. The Lord is so good if we trust Him and wait for His timing!!!

 

PRAY, PRAY, PRAY for the man God has created for you and wait for HIS guidance. Do NOT marry because you are in love with love. All in God's time!

Do NOT date a non-Christian! Do NOT date anyone that is not marriage material! Do NOT rule out someone because they don't fit your 'minds eye' view of what your mate should look like.

I knew at first meeting that Jim was the man God created me to marry. Jim knew within a few days of our meeting that I was the young woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. We've been married 35 years this coming fall.

Study scripture now to be the best mate you can be and ask God to send your mate in HIS timing and that your heart and spirit be willing to be a good mate.

Marriage is forever so choose wisely.

 

And don't forget.

You can be content being single!

 

I'm 20, and will soon be married to the woman of my dreams (this coming fall!!!). The biggest thing I've found is not to worry or stress to much about it. What "Linscott" says is right on. Find what Scripture says your hubby or wifey ought to be like. Beyond that - "delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give the desires of your heart." Just find your highest joy in Him, and the rest will literally "fall into place." That goes for your future occupation/ministry/etc. I was planning on going into the ministry and being almost graduated from college by now. But God took my hearing and has shown me the better things He has for me. None of it worried me. He was still my delight. Deafness was a delight because I was deaf in Christ!! As you delight in Him, He will mold your desires into what they ought to be, and you will desire the right person!

Another thing...one necessary characteristic for a future wife is that you will follow your husband into the ministry to which God has called him. If you feel "called" to a specific ministry as a young woman, and he is called into another ministry. Don't fret too much about it. Either God will change his or your desire...or show you that you have the gift of singleness (which few have, and that's okay).

Once you know who you and your special someone are sure you are to marry, don't wait too long. Most parents will cringe at that. But it is true that you can wait too long. My fiance and I wanted to wait 4 or 5 years after we knew we were going to get married. Well, 2 1/2 years later and we probably should have gotten married a few months ago! There is a natural course to a relationship, and to put it off unnaturally can be unhealthy.

 

Kayla,

mmm ...

There is a Godly course to a relationship. And He tells us that the marriage relationship is a model of the relationship of Christ to the Church.

Can Christ divorce the Church? ;o) Just a side thought.

A spouse should be a best friend; a powerful believer; and a mate. In other words, FAMILY.

But, it helps to have an idea where God is leading you ...

 

From experience, the qualifications should mainly be:

1. Born again believer.
2. Puts God first and famly second, then everything else.

You can make all the "lists" you want but when God brings a person along that he has for you your lists wont matter. You will simply love the person for who they are and your preferences wont matter anymore. A person's preferences are only defenses mechanisms anyway. God knows what you like because he created you and often the things that you would really like in a person you don't even know about yet. If you are totally opposed to 1 or 2 certain things then God probably won't bring someone in the picture who matches that criteria. But as an earlier poster said a person can show up who matches all the things on your list but then God closes the door. And I will add that God might lead you to a person who meets onhly a couple of the criteria you have set forth and you might fall head over heels for them in a heartbeat. And remember beauty is in the eye oif the beholder. What I find attractive in one person might be considered repulsive to others.

Saggy Woman,

I appluad you for your apparent perserverence and we have had discusssions in the past on similar issues. But take care not to stereotype your particular prediposition of behavior to the rest of the human race. I know some people who are perfectly happy being single throughout their lives. I know some others who are happy being single for a period of time, then begin feeling the pangs of age and unrealized hopes. And I also know people who need companionship on at a far greater frequency than others. We are all different. God spoke to me concerning this a while back. I was feeling guilty becuase certain people were throwing a guilt trip upon me because I was lonely and hurt from a recent divorce. I heard all the common generalized jargon or "GOd is all you need" and so forth. What God spoke to me was this.....
Warrior (in place of my real name)... I am a spirit being, and I am Lord of all. But as a spirit being I cannot call you up on the phone and give you a friendly word of encouragement. I cannot put my arms around you and comfort you in times of trouble. I cannot crawl into bed with you at night and keep you warm. Only people can do these things and when I abide in a person who is fulfilling these things in your life then I can accomplish all these things for you. If all you needed was a spirit being then you could build a chapel onto your house and give up going to church because the commune that you have with me would suffice in all areas of your life. But it is written "Do not forsake the assembling together of yourselves for my names sake."
The common philosophy of all you need is God IS TRUE but often times overgeneralized to the point that it can become a justification for people who avoid interpersonal communication because of past hurts and failures, etc....

God is currently working mightily in my life and has brought me into a promising career and introduced me to a born again Christian woman who is not perfect but meets a couple of my criteria. She is so kind and wonderful that I cannot imagine loving anyone else. We are engaged to be married within the year. Without resurructing the bitter battle of the divorce threads (keep your opinions to yourself as they wont change my views on it one way ar another), I can honsestly say that after being married for a large part of my life I could not live very happily as a single person. I lived single for many years before I was married and I struggled with many things. I struggled in such a way that I jumped the gun and married a person outside the will of God. My ex-wife left me about a year ago and now is living in open fornication with another man. I prayed with everything that GOd would restore my marrieage but he closed the doors and led me in a new direction. We could debate the theology of this for hours but I dont wish to do so. I will only say that as long as I was with my ex wife I could never fully realize the plan that God has for me. People have wills and hers is very strongly not in line with God's word in most areas. In any case, just trust in God. If it is your desire to marry HE has someone out there that is perfect for you and to many's surprise that person might not exactly be the caricature of what YOU would consider to be the perfect spouse. They may be taller/shorter than you would like. They may be very well educated, or perhaps only have a H.S. diploma if that. They may be thin or heavy or just average. They might even be a different ethnicity...Asian, hispanic, black, white, whatever. But if God brings a person your way and opens the doors then you will never be happier with anyone else. Just realize that God knows more about what you would really be happy with than you do.

 

For me, someone saved who passionatly serves the Lord. Other than that, it's for my Lord to decide. I'm waiting on God. His time, His will, His way. Because any other way won't work. And coming from my family background, before I fall in love or marry, I want to be 100% sure it's what God wants.
Right now all of my friends and family are pushing me to date, to find someone. I'm constantly hearing jokes about how "Abby never encourages anyone to try." or "Everyone else your age is dating, what's wrong?" and I know it's because they love me, and in their own way want what's good for me, but I am very serious about what I'm about to say, and even though I'm only sixteen, I hope people will listen to this.
I come from a long line of divorce, unbroken for the past three generations. My mother, her mother, her mother's mother...and everyone always says "Abby's just like her momma." For years I declaired I'd never marry; simply because I didn't want to "repeat history" as the saying goes. I'd experianced four years of terror with my mother (not kidding) and finaly their not so friendly divorce. I still have nightmares of my mother. And so determined am I to not repeat it with my own husband and children. Yes, I'm saved and that makes the diffrence I think, but my past just further drives home "Wait on the Lord."
If waiting on God means I never love or marry, that's ok, because that would be God's will. Don't date just to date, and don't get married just to get married. Be absolutly sure God's will is on your life first. Be very certian.
Because you and your spouse won't be the only ones to suffer if you don't. I know.
I believe if you follow God's Word, and wait on Him it will all work out.
~Miss Abby
Proverbs 31:30 KJB

 

Hello Abbey
I remember speaking with you on other threads in the past. You are right in your assumption that your family wants only whats best for you. It is ironic that society seems to champion individual diversity in one breath and then boycotts most true nonconformists in the next. You are still quite young and don't let it bother you too much. But also keep in mind that your family may have some deep seated fears that come along with our increasingly Godless society. Often times people who seem to shun relationships are assumed to be gay or lesbian by the consensus. A recent survey of parents and parents to be listed as the #1 fear being that their children would turn out to be gay or lesbian. Seems kind of an odd statistic considering how we are constantly bombarded with society's "acceptence" of such individuals. Now I don't think you are in any way in that category but just realize that parent's and relatives fears can run wild and even riduculous when you appear to be a nonconformist. Maybe it would be a good idea to confront them and explain yourself and ask then why it seems to be of such importance to them that you dive into the social buzzsaw so soon?

Abbey, I firmly believe that it is God's will for the vast majority of people to marry. His first commandment to man was " Be fruitiful and multiply..." Kind of dificult in a world full of singles. I believe that it was Paul who spoke about people who had set themselves apar as Eunichs for the service of the Lord but also added that "Not everyone can accept this". Yes Paul also stated that "It is better to be single" But keep in mind that Paul had never been married or experienced the benefits of having a spouse. And also that due to the social/political/cutural contexts of the 1st cetury A.D. Roman Empire, being a Christian had slightly different connotations than it does today in opur society. It is also written that "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" and "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor...". God is all about teamwork and yes there are some people who are genuinly called to be singles in ministry but I am certain that the actual number of these people is miniscule in comparison to most of us who are not. I have been single and I have been married. ANd honestly even though my marriage ended in failure, I would not trade the happiest times that I had with my x-wife for anything in the world. Having happiness to share with another person is many times better than expeiencing it alone. Thus God's original observation "It is not good for man to be alone".

 

Ohhhhh, my grandparents know without a doubt I'm NOT homosexual! I think my family probably would think it odd if I didn't marry young though. My parents married when they were seventeen and in highschool, but then I guess you could say I kindof moved that wedding date up! My grandparents married when my grandfather was twenty three and grandmother was nineteen. Granny has made comments about how she hopes I'll be married or at least engaged by the time I finish college, and my grandfather said once I was twenty five I probably wouldn't find anyone. It's comments like this I get everyday from someone.
Now I just happen to be of the opinon that God's time is best...and if that means I'm eighty, so be it! Unfortunatly others don't agree so well.
I agree with you that God intends for most to marry, and a few do remain single their entire life.
I just think whichever a person is, they need to follow God whole-heartedly all the way. They need to be sure that this particular thing is what God is calling them to.
Prehaps I'm parinoied, I don't know.
~Miss Abby
Proverbs 31:30 KJB

 

It also might not help that single people are usually the "odd ones out" in churches anyway. Lets face it churches are families and family oriented and singles rarely fit into the framework of any church that I have ever been in myself. And most singles groups eventually end up consisting of a bunch of bitter people all on the take for any seemingly lucrative relationship that could come along. Thats what makes singles groups a prime hunting ground for cads and conmen who, under the guise of being a Christian, make off with the money (or lots more) of many of the constituents of these groups. I am and probably always will be anti-singles group as they relate to churches. Abbey your grandfather, although probably not a statistician, is probably just observing the fact that by the age of 25, 75% of the individuals who were alvailable for interpersonal relationships on a romantic note are already off the market. So statistically speaking, by age 25 your chances of finding a spouse have drastically gone down unless you are willing to wade into the muddle of the divorcee pool. I know that as a believer that this means nothing to you as your faith in God dictates that he can AND will make a way for you in any situation and this is true. But on a personal note, and this is strictly my opinion, I think that God intended for people to marry at a younger age than what is normally accepted today. There are all kinds of arguements that come saying, "oh you should wait until you are through school", or "you aren't really mature enough until you are in your 30's". Well on the school note, thats not trusting in God because you are putting your finances and economic survival before any will He could have for you. The only insurance policy you really need is Him. He doesn't like our little "insurance policies" because they represent a lack of faith on our part in Him to do what he said he would do. And for most people I've known that have stayed single until their 30's, well I personally would never seek marriage if I had been single until my 30's. By that time you are pretty set in your ways and from what I've observed, with the lack of any kind of intimate experience (and I'm not talking about sex)you usually end up being far LESS mature in that area than many of your competitive peers. Most people I know in their 30's that have never been married Christian or non, with respect to intimacy and relationships have the collective maturity of a 14 year old. So you end up with a person who has the repective mentality of an adolsescent in the body of someone pushing middle age. Bad combination. In any case just trust God to see you through as I know you are doing and he will make the best way for you. God bless.