Marriage

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by Salty, Jan 24, 2011.

  1. Salty

    Salty
    Expand Collapse
    20,000 Posts Club
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2003
    Messages:
    22,127
    Likes Received:
    221
    We have a thread going about dating a non-Christian. At the moment, all have said, a Christian should never date a non Christian.

    Lets talk about marriage here, some definite should and should not

    I will list a few, but bring up any reasonable traits that you feel are important.

    Should a couple wait until graduation from college to get married.

    Should a couple move in with the parents/in-laws to save money

    Should a couple be of the same denomination?
    How about a SBC and IBF

    Is it that bad for a taller woman to marry a short man?

    Should a couple even consider a pre-nup?

    Should the wife even consider keeping her last name
     
  2. annsni

    annsni
    Expand Collapse
    Administrator
    Administrator

    Joined:
    May 30, 2006
    Messages:
    20,193
    Likes Received:
    374
    Should a couple wait until graduation from college to get married.
    It might be a good idea but it's not necessary. I never even got my Associate's Degree! I think it more important for a hubby to make sure he graduates from college but it IS possible to do so while married.

    Should a couple move in with the parents/in-laws to save money.
    This is SOOOO best to be avoided at just about all costs. It CAN be OK but more times than not, it's not a good idea. It's that "leave" part of the passage that's important IMO.

    Should a couple be of the same denomination?
    How about a SBC and IBF
    I do think a couple should be theologically aligned and if being in a different denomination will be an issue, it's something to consider.

    Is it that bad for a taller woman to marry a short man?
    Always. A taller woman should NEVER marry a short man. :laugh:

    Should a couple even consider a pre-nup?
    No.

    Should the wife even consider keeping her last name
    I think this needs to be well thought out. What are her reasons for keeping her name? If it's for professional reasons, I can understand that but I know doctors who professionally kept their maiden name but in private life went by Mrs. Husbandname.
     
  3. Scarlett O.

    Scarlett O.
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2002
    Messages:
    9,836
    Likes Received:
    115
    Should a couple wait until graduation from college to get married. (Depends on too many variables - maturity level, goals, financial stability, level of commitment - some should wait and I have seen others who marry while in college and do fine.)


    Should a couple move in with the parents/in-laws to save money (As a knee-jerk reaction, I say no. If they aren't ready financially to support themselves, they should consider postponing the wedding. The Bible says that a man shall leave his mother and father. I just don't see it being for the best to move in with the in-laws.)

    Should a couple be of the same denomination? How about a SBC and IBF (I truly believe that they should attend the same church together and serve God in that membership together. They don't have to be of the same denomination when they meet or date, but a decision should be made as to where they will both go to church together as a family when married.)

    Is it that bad for a taller woman to marry a short man? (Absolutely not bad at all.)

    Should a couple even consider a pre-nup? (Absolutely not. As for me, personally, I have thought about this before. I would have so much trust in the "us" factor and trust in my husband that I would never make him sign a document saying that he would stay away from my money. What's mine would be ours.)

    Should the wife even consider keeping her last name (We've talked about this before. It's strictly a man-made tradition and I say to each his own. Whatever the couple decides to do is their business.)
     
  4. David Lamb

    David Lamb
    Expand Collapse
    Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2006
    Messages:
    2,982
    Likes Received:
    0
    Too many variables in the question's scenario to be able to give a meaningful answer.

    Depends. Are the parents/in-laws Christians? Could the couple afford to live separately if they wanted to, or do they merely want to save the money so that they can spend it on luxuries? What sort of home do the parents/in-laws have - by which I mean, would there be sufficient room for the couple to move in without overcrowding, and with the possibility of privacy for the two generations?

    The idea of a husband being a member of one church, while the wife is in membership of another, seem full of potential problems. For example, when they have children, who takes them to services? And if one of the pastors preaches about marriage as a picture of the love between Christ and His church, what impression of Christ will the children get, with Mum and Dad not being together even for the worship of God?

    At well over 6 feet tall, I have no personal experience of this, but I would say there's nothing wrong with it.

    Pre-nups don't seem to be very common over here, so I'm not sure of the details of what they involve. The media give the impression that they are about what happens to possessions in the case of a marriage coming to an end. If that's right, then I would answer "no". If the marriage ends because one of the spouses dies, that can be covered in a will. And surely a Christian couple will not plan for divorce?

    Possibly. It's perhaps worth remembering that surnames were not used until about a thousand years ago. And the wife taking the husband's surname is not a world-wide tradition either. I understand (for example) in Japan, if the wife has a higher social standing than the husband, then the husband takes the wife's surname. (I'm sure John of Japan will be able to confirm or deny this!)
     
  5. JohnDeereFan

    JohnDeereFan
    Expand Collapse
    Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2009
    Messages:
    4,628
    Likes Received:
    11
    I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting until after graduating college, but I do think that the idea that one has to have certain milestones, such as college, checked off their list before they can get married is extremely harmful.

    It's the same attitude that's leading people to wait until their thirties and even forties to get married, while living in sin while they're single.

    Maybe. Depends on the family dynamic.

    Well, I think we're all agreed that the Bible says that they should both be Christians, but I don't see anything requiring that they be of the same denomination. I would think that would fall under the wife's submitting to the spiritual authority of the husband.

    I'm 6'4" so if I married a woman taller than me, something would definitely be wrong.

    I think it sets a bad precedent and gives the impression that you don't expect the marriage to last. But if a person really has that little confidence in the marriage, then a pre-nup might be a wise idea.

    On the other hand, what we have done as a family is to incorporate as a family. One of the things that means is that if my sons or daughters should ever divorce the family still keeps the property.

    This was done for tax and financial reasons, not for "pre-nups".

    No. The whole point of marriage is to demonstrate the relationship between Christ and the Church. Christ gave Himself for the Church, but the Church is to give itself to Christ.
     
  6. freeatlast

    freeatlast
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2004
    Messages:
    10,295
    Likes Received:
    0
    I will list a few, but bring up any reasonable traits that you feel are important.

    Should a couple wait until graduation from college to get married.

    There is no should. It is totally subjective to the circumstances. Can they stay out of bed while waiting? Can they marry and stay in school? if the temptation is too great get married. If they can complete school and marry fine if not then don't marry if they can stay pure.

    Should a couple move in with the parents/in-laws to save money

    NO! She is to leave her father and mother and cleave to her husband.

    Should a couple be of the same denomination?
    How about a SBC and IBF

    No not to date, but if they marry she should come over to his. If she feels she cannot go with his denomination then they should not get married.

    Should a couple even consider a pre-nup?

    NO! They are to become one and what belongs to the one belongs to both. if the trust is not at that level then don't marry.

    Should the wife even consider keeping her last name

    That is traditional and seems to be changing in our culture. As long as it does not cause any blurring of the marital roles based on scripture i see no problem if both are at peace with it.
     
    #6 freeatlast, Jan 25, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2011
  7. mets65

    mets65
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2011
    Messages:
    392
    Likes Received:
    0
    If the thought of pre-nup enters your mind, you probably shouldn't be getting married.
     
  8. John of Japan

    John of Japan
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2005
    Messages:
    12,212
    Likes Received:
    192
    What I've not yet seen on this thread is the amount of prayer that should go into the choice of a mate. For myself, I prayed for 9 years that God would lead my future wife and me together in such a way that everyone would know that He did it. You can read the story of how God led us together on our website.

    Besides that, I thought and studied deeply about marriage for years before entering into it. How foolish it is to jump into a relationship which should last the rest of your life! Most people put more thought into a college or career choice than their lifetime mate. Read books, study the Bible, think about your service for God and what kind of person would best complement that.

    Long prayer and deep thought will take care of most of these questions. But I think a couple are already answered in Scripture.

    Leave and cleave, that's what the Bible teaches (Gen. 2:24). By all means, don't live with either set of in-laws. Same answer for the wife keeping her maiden name. Leave and cleave!
    Am 3:3--"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" It can work, but they need to choose one or the other, and be fully agreed on it before marriage.
     
  9. John of Japan

    John of Japan
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2005
    Messages:
    12,212
    Likes Received:
    192
    Happy to weigh in. :saint: This does happen in a limited number of cases. Almost always the wife takes the husband's name. The exception is when there is no heir in the wife's family. In that case the son-in-law can be adopted as the heir, and take the wife's family name.

    The "arranged marriage" in Japan is an interesting custom, but it's not quite what you might think. It's actually a good way in this culture for shy young people to find and get to know each other without all the dating nonsense. First an omiai meeting is set up wherein the young people meet each other with chaperones. A go-between can set this up and help in the meeting. It's a very formal time, with formal dress often, maybe a dinner at a high class restaurant, and the couple gets to know each other some. But whether or not they continue with the relationship is up to them, though the parents may put on a lot of pressure.

    Since we came to Japan, so called "love matches" without the omiai have increased. But then so has divorce! So the lesson might be that a young person should include his or her parents in the process, recognizing that they know their child better than anyone else, and their discernment might help.
     
  10. Salty

    Salty
    Expand Collapse
    20,000 Posts Club
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2003
    Messages:
    22,127
    Likes Received:
    221
    I was waiting on an answer like yours John - appreciate it.

    There is a fella in our church that apparently was a little upset with the pastor. A week ago Sunday he asked the pastor to preform his wedding ceremony. The pastor said no. Why would he do that. I understand it was for some stupid reason that the Groom had only know his fiancés for only 3 weeks? John, can you believe that?
    BTW, they went to a JP a week ago and are now married.
     
  11. annsni

    annsni
    Expand Collapse
    Administrator
    Administrator

    Joined:
    May 30, 2006
    Messages:
    20,193
    Likes Received:
    374
    Three weeks? How did they fit in 6 sessions of premarital counseling in three weeks!! :laugh:
     
  12. John of Japan

    John of Japan
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2005
    Messages:
    12,212
    Likes Received:
    192
    Sad. They're probably in for a rough marriage.
     
  13. freeatlast

    freeatlast
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2004
    Messages:
    10,295
    Likes Received:
    0
    ask your pastor where the 3 week law is in scripture.
     
  14. Salty

    Salty
    Expand Collapse
    20,000 Posts Club
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2003
    Messages:
    22,127
    Likes Received:
    221
    His name is Chris - please keep them in prayer. I only met him a couple of weeks ago, he said he was thinking about joining the Army.


    FAL -if this is a serious question, I will not dignify it with an answer
     
  15. freeatlast

    freeatlast
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2004
    Messages:
    10,295
    Likes Received:
    0
    It is a very serious question. If my pastor did this I would ask him that very question.
     
  16. annsni

    annsni
    Expand Collapse
    Administrator
    Administrator

    Joined:
    May 30, 2006
    Messages:
    20,193
    Likes Received:
    374
    See, unless there are extenuating circumstances, we require 6 sessions of premarital counseling. So the very short time would not be enough time.

    How long after they met did they decide to get married??
     
  17. freeatlast

    freeatlast
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2004
    Messages:
    10,295
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you for the information.
     
  18. Salty

    Salty
    Expand Collapse
    20,000 Posts Club
    Moderator

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2003
    Messages:
    22,127
    Likes Received:
    221
    I would call it common sense. Did you read Johns post ? I quoted part of his excellent answer.
    A problem many Americans have is impatience. How many times have we said "I wished I had..." Often that would not need to have been said, if we only took our time.
    Even when you join the Army - its no "on the spot" enlistment. Just for 3 years of you life - it may take a week or two for all the initial processing and background checks. As much as I believe the Army is important - it is nothing compared to a lifetime marriage commitment. Anne said they require at least 6 pre-marital counseling sessions. I trust that those are spaced a minimum of one week apart.

    You asked "ask your pastor where the 3 week law is in scripture. " (in fact where in Scripture does it allow Baptist Board to only let Baptist post in the Baptist section?)

    The Bible does not cover every single issue. If someone was ultra-dogmatic they would demand to know what the Bible would require as to which sock to put on first - left or right.

    I tend to believe that the Lord actually gave us common sense. He gave us a brain to actually think.

    I personally believe a couple should know each other a minimum a one year before the marriage vows.
     
  19. freeatlast

    freeatlast
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2004
    Messages:
    10,295
    Likes Received:
    0
    I am all for using the brain that God gave, but I am against someone else using theirs to promote what they feel is best for me outside of biblical guidlines. That is socialism.
     
  20. annsni

    annsni
    Expand Collapse
    Administrator
    Administrator

    Joined:
    May 30, 2006
    Messages:
    20,193
    Likes Received:
    374
    Absolute minimum is one week apart and we try for no less than two weeks because the couple have homework including writing a budget for themselves. We're working with a couple now and we've gotten behind because of illness and weather so we actually combined two into one so it will be 5 sessions but we'll cover all of the materials (so one evening will be a little longer).

    But I don't know that we've ever had a wedding without doing the counseling. We even just recently had a couple get married where the groom was home in Australia having issues getting his visa to come back here and it looked like he might not even make it back (he did, just one week before the wedding). But they still did their counseling via Skype! LOL
     

Share This Page

Loading...