Membership Cards

Membership cards could be useful...

• You could offer a "10% off your next tithe" special.
• You could offer "preferred seating" to card-carrying members: the front row is all yours!
• Card-carrying members get one free "conviction write-off" every six months. For each six months of regular attendance, you can opt out of one sermon in which the pastor is hammering a particular sin you don't wanna hear about.
• Platinum card-carrying members get to opt out of nursery duty entirely! Gold card-carrying members get to opt out of poopy-diaper duty in the nursery!
• Silver card members are allowed one complimentary complaint per business meeting! Gold members get a complaint that is actually recorded in the minutes! Platinum members get the complaint, the record in the minutes, plus a unanimous approval! (Some restrictions apply. Not valid toward Sunday hymn selection).
• Coming soon--the all-new Uranium membership card! Benefits will include total access to the climate-controls in the Sanctuary!!!

DISCLAIMER: See Deacon Chairman for details. Offer not valid for any member connected with youth ministry. For further rules and restrictions, see Bylaws--Section 3, Page 6, Paragraph 2, Line 11, Word 8, Letter 2, Apostrophe 1. Not valid with any other offer. Void where prohibited. Any re-broadcast without the expressed written permission of the Senior Adult Ladies' Sunday School class is prohibited.

Sounds pretty good, eh?

 

Alright... you owe me a new screen after I spewed my ice tea all over it! :laugh:

 

RBell strikes gold! Errrr, I mean Platinum!

I have now registered my vote as "It's an excellent idea."

 

I see a problem coming...we'll eventually split over this. You'll be a KJVMCO (King James Version Membership Card Only); I'll be a "freedom-carder." Folks who fall in the middle of our two positions will be called "folks in the middle of our positions," or "pinheads."

And we'll end up trading insults on the BB, and getting threads closed by mods each day. In fact, it will get so bad, there will be a new forum created: "Membership Card Versions"--just to try and keep our arguments centralized in one location.

Yes, I think I know where this is going.

 

This is where we get into "Limited Card-ship."

Did Jesus die for everyone? Or just those with Gold member cards?



P.S.: I thought that block on the back of the card was for organ donor. I left it blank, since our church already has a really nice organ.

 

Dude - You are really on a roll!:laugh::thumbsup:

 

I like the idea of the card for the back row...I having to get to church earlier and earlier to claim my seat. :laugh::smilewinkgrin:

 

Ouch! Just had an awful thought.

With all the disclaimers and such printed on the card, would it also have a 666 somewhere?

Must show the "card" to enter the church doors.

Think I'll go back and vote Bad Idea, as that day is probably coming far too soon for some.

 

Flesh or Spirit?

Yes! Get a membership card and every certificate that you can lay your hands on.

Your membership card will open Gods eyes that you ________ are a member of the Body of Christ.

Then, when you stand before the Almighy who knows all hearts, you can present to Him your baptismal certificate. This will prove to the Father that you accepted His Son on such and such a day, and that you are saved according to________church.

Then do not forget to present your marrige license, so you can tell God that He joined you and your spouse on such and such a day, lest the Lord forget what He did.

If you have divorce papers, please include a detailed explanation of why man separated what He joined.

Please include any and all college degrees, layman teaching certificates, VBS certificates, and church attendance records so you can show the Savior that bought you with His blood, that you know Him.

Arrange to have all these letters of commendation in your casket and please include your death certificate so God is assured that you are in fact dead.