miscarriages

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by corndogggy, Oct 29, 2007.

  1. corndogggy

    corndogggy
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    Try not to get too harsh in the responses because I'm going through this for the second time this year and trying to cope... but at the same time, I've got to admit, I'm absolutely sick of people saying:

    Well, that's just God's way of saying "not right now".

    Well, that's just God's way of saying "something wasn't right".

    etc., etc., etc., etc.


    First of all, if dead babies is God's way of communicating, I think it's rather messed up.

    Secondly, if he really did want to intervene in this manner... why wouldn't he just prevent the pregnancy in the first place??? I mean, if he really wanted to do something to prevent you from having a child right now, why wouldn't he just not allow conception? Why would he allow that baby to grow, to allow you to hear the heartbeat, then after 2 months just be like "whoopsies, I changed my mind"???

    I'm sure saying these things is the only way that some people can cope, mostly due to people not thinking about it too deeply, but it just gives me cold chills and turns me off when I hear people say it.

    Just wondering what everybody else's thoughts on the subject is. Personally I think bad stuff just happens in nature and there's usually a scientific explanation for it but that's just me.
     
  2. npetreley

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    IMO, those "that's the way of God saying" canned responses are some of the good intentions that help pave the way to hell. ;)
     
  3. webdog

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    I can feel your hurt in your post, and I'm truly sorry. Having a wife that's 6 months pregnant, I can only imagine the hurt associated with something like this.

    Sin, and the results of it are ugly. Jesus was even sickened by it just prior to raising Lazarus from the dead.

    Hang in there. Even though God allows sin, know that He also uses all of these experiences to shape us.
     
  4. kubel

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    Perhaps it's not God's "way of saying...", but we should still remember that all things work together for good, no matter how sad and heartbreaking they may be.
     
  5. Sopranette

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    I've been where you are. I shall pray for you. I understand what you mean by people saying things like what you described, and you're right, they didn't help. I appreciated the people who where there just to listen. In time, the pain lessened, but it never really goes away.

    love,

    Sopranette
     
  6. blackbird

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    I'm with you, corndoggy!! My prayers for you are made with a heart that is easily touched on the subject you mention.

    I remember taking a "Human Anatomy" class in college---truly our bodies are "fearfully and wonderfully made" and "in secret" we are conceived

    It would warp the average mind to study detailed anatomy of conception and the wife carrying a child for the following 9 months---it would absolutely blow your mind how God has designed propagation---and all I can say to any of it is "to God be glory forever and ever!!!"

    As for your struggle with answers---there probably isn't any answer---just a prayer and a thought and a word of wisdom and a word of encouragement!!!

    God loves you, brother beyond finite comprehension---lean on His everlasting arms---throw yourself down before Him with confidence that "though He may slay me---STILL I will trust in Him!!!"

    Hang in there, friend!!

    Bro. David
    Moderator
     
  7. saturneptune

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    People that use phrases like you describe above are quite ignorant and uncaring. There is no way that we as humans can understand the why of a situation like this, or God allowing it to happen.

    Maybe this is too simple, but all we can do is be there for people that are going through this, to encourage, fellowship with, love, and help them through this, and pray God gives us the faith to know He is our Savior and in control. There are just certain things we will never understand.

    Those phrases torque me off the more I think about them.
     
  8. Scarlett O.

    Scarlett O.
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    First of all, I am very sorry that you are going through this.

    Secondly, this is NOT God's way of saying, "Not right now". A miscarriage is NOT an object lesson. It amazes me the foolishness that comes from people's mouths. Mine included.

    Bad things happen on this earth. And they happen to us, personally. Death, cancer, miscarriages, and pestilence are just scratching the surface.

    Seek God not simply for answers, but for peace. Trying to find THE answer will drive you crazy. Trying to find the peace that passes all understanding will be difficult, but more purposeful. (Try meditating on Psalm 13 and Micah 7:8)

    I know....easier said than done. And no one here giving you counsel truly knows how you feel. Understand that we only mean well.
     
  9. Aaron

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    You should probably take precautions while a cause for the miscarriages is investigated.

    Folks who say "This is just God's way of saying, not yet," need to have their heads thumped. Is that what God says when a toddler dies? An infant? Why then an unborn baby? Whether they know it or not, they're promoting abortion.

    Make no mistake, God is speaking. But "not yet" isn't the message.
     
  10. TC2

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    I have no answers for you, CornDoggy, but my heart
    breaks for you.
    You and your family are in my prayers.
     
  11. annsni

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    I also had 2 miscarriages and while the first was hard, the second was devastating because I wasn't sure if we would EVER have another child. I also struggled with the though of "why bother" as to why make babies if they're just going to die before they even have a chance. A friend of mine really helped me a LOT through this. She lost her son at 38 weeks due to severe birth defects that would have made it impossible for him to live outside the womb. They were told to abort him but they didn't and they knew when he passed away. This is what she told me: We are created for eternity. Our time here on this earth is just a speck when you measure it in light of eternity. These babies just missed the pain and suffering in this life and went straight to the feet of their heavenly Father and are there doing what they were created for - worshipping Him. We had a part in making another worshipper for Him.

    While I know there's no Scripture to back it up, it was super comforting to me that there IS a purpose to these babies. While we will never know why they didn't make it to our arms, we know that God is in control and we can trust in Him.

    If people say anything like that, I'd honestly say to them "Why would you say something so cruel when I'm hurting? Please keep your comments to yourself." I had to say that to one person who said that it was a GOOD thing that I lost the baby (don't ask me why). Fortunately most of my friends just held me and cried with me.

    Know that I'm doing that with you - mourning the loss of your little one. I pray for fast physical healing and also for God to touch your heart and soul with His comfort. I'm so sorry.
     
  12. North Carolina Tentmaker

    North Carolina Tentmaker
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    Corndogggy, I am so sorry that you are going through this at this time. I will be praying for you and your family. My wife and I have 7 children, 4 that we are raising and 3 that we never got to know. I remember all the hurtful comments you listed and of course many more. Most people have no idea what to say. Some of the most painful for us were friends who just stopped talking to us for months and then tried to pretend nothing happened. No one knows exactly what you’re going through and what you feel because each child is unique and each pregnancy different, but when we went through our miscarriages I was comforted by several things that I believe.

    I believe that my children were uniquely and wonderfully made. I believe they were each given an eternal soul at conception. I believe they will grow up walking the streets of glory and that when I die they will be waiting to greet me. I know I don’t have solid biblical proof for this, but I believe heaven would not be heaven without children. I believe my children in heaven are growing to adulthood just as they would have on earth and the idea of my grandparents and other loved ones who have gone on to glory rocking my babies to sleep and holding their hands as they grow up around the throne of God is an image that I carry with me today. I would have loved to have known them on this earth but I am also happy for the life they must be enjoying in heaven. These ideas were not something I thought of on my own but something Jack Hyles shared with me. I know many of you on this board did not like him but his words were a comfort to me then and still are today. While I find no proof of these things in the Bible I don’t see anything to say it is wrong either.

    My wife of course was grief-stricken even more than I because she actually carried them within her and touched them in a way I never could. She could tell you right now when their expected birthdays were and how old each would be today. One lived long enough for us to know she was a girl, but the other two we do not know about. I don’t want to add to your hurt so if my ideas are too weird for you then just ignore this, but if you need to discuss this further and think I could be any help to you please feel free to pm me.

    annsni - good post, my prayers are with you as well.
     
  13. Hopeful

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    My heart goes out to you and your wife! And I am so sorry that your grief is being compounded by the insensitive comments of those who think they're comforting you. You are learning the hard way why most grieving people end up isolating themselves--it's all just too hard to face sometimes.

    You lost a child--your flesh and blood, conceived in love--and with that child's death, there was also the death of all your hopes and dreams and expectations of the future with that child. It is no wonder you are furious with these people and their platitudes.

    In my Grief Recovery sessions, the leaders of the group instructed each of us in the group that we are "hearts with ears" as we listen to and share each others' pain. I hope that the BB can serve the purpose of being "hearts with eyes" as you express YOUR pain. And I pray that God will comfort you and your wife with His fathomless Peace as you deal with this.
     
  14. npetreley

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    All of you who have experienced miscarriages (from either side - man or woman) have my prayers and sympathy. Have mercy on those who said things that hurt, though. I bet they meant to say something comforting but didn't realize it would have the opposite affect.
     
  15. I Am Blessed 24

    I Am Blessed 24
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    I'm so sorry. I can feel your pain, corndoggy. I will be praying for both you and your wife.

    I carried 7 children, but only got to raise 4. The other 3 (including a set of twins) are in Heaven.

    I heard all the platitudes too, but it really didn't bother me. I knew these people loved me and were trying to say something to comfort me.

    Most people just feel like they have to say something and they don't know what else to say...

    I usually just say, "I'm sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you" and give them a hug.
     
  16. youngmom4

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    I am so sorry for your pain, corndoggy. While I have never experienced a miscarriage myself, my sister has, and I felt the loss in a big way. It is so hard to know what to say at these moments. Our situation was compounded even more by the fact that I was also pregnant at the time (my sis was about three months behind me), and I carried my baby to term. My sister was married to her baby's father, while I was pregnant as a result of an affair with a married man. I remember asking God "why" because I thought it was so unfair. Here I had sinned and had a pregnancy as a result, while my sister had committed no sin, but she was the one who lost her baby. I had no idea what to say to her, and there is a good reason for that...there is just nothing good to say in situations like these. Pain is something that each person deals with differently, and sometimes we just need to know when to shut up and give our emotional support without feeling a need to say something. Praise God, my sister recovered enough to be present at my son's birth, and she never held the fact that my child lived against me. Several years later, we both got pregnant again...this time within two weeks of each other. My daughter and my nephew were born nine days apart, and although we were separated by 2000 miles at that point, my sister and I rejoiced that we got that second chance. We will never forget that baby boy (she is positive it was a boy) that didn't get a chance to see this world, though. We are both comforted by the fact that he is with Jesus, waiting for the rest of the family to get there. There is light at the end of the tunnel...the pain will heal to a (at least) bearable state eventually. I will keep you in my prayers. :praying: :1_grouphug:
     
  17. rbell

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    My wife & I went through 3. One wasn't technically a miscarriage, and it ended up not being quite as tough for her, because she found out her pregnancy was an "empty sac." (essentially a false pregnancy; no baby died). She still grieved from disappointment. But the other two were tough, as we grieved from loss.

    You have my prayers. And I agree a "thump in the head" is needed for people so insensitive as to think they understand everything. Years later, I still don't...and won't, this side of heaven.

    (BTW...don't deliver that "thump" youerself ;) )
     
  18. Karen

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    We lost our son when I was six months pregnant with him. He would be 18 now. I look forward to when I will see him again.

    You are right, people say some awful things. Sometimes they are just desperate to say something to help.

    I am so sorry for your loss.
     
  19. ShotGunWillie

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    What he said
     
  20. russell55

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    I think people are just trying to make sense of things that are very difficult for us to make sense of, and in the process they are saying some stupid things. Sometimes, when we are going through really difficult times, we have to learn to ignore the remarks of those who say things that are not helpful, and just concentrate on the fact that they are trying to help us. They are trying to ease our pain because they care about us.

    One thing they are right about: The lives of those babies have meaning.

    And one day you will be with them both in heaven.

    In the mean time, I am very, very sorry for the great loss you and your wife have suffered.
     
    #20 russell55, Oct 30, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 30, 2007

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