My rant on singles groups

I agree. In your opinion Dr. Bob, should churches just dump the singles campaign alltogether? Honestly I would like to believe that there are some good groups out there but over a 12 year span with a break in between I haven't found any yet. What I have observed in the groups is DISharmony and DISunity although it is usually confined to the group and ends up being an area of contention for church admin. and the group members.

 

I never really noticed any problems of the magnitude that we see today until the 90's were in full swing. Around the early 90's there was a significant cultural shift which could have accounted for it somewhat. Back in the 80's I had a great time in Churches and have fond memories of that era. But something happened during the 90's and I noticed people in the Churches retreating, clamming-up, merging into cliques, and becoming less sociable in general. People seemed to be very gaurded all of a sudden and making friends was not as easy as it once was.

 

There clearly is a big problem in all this. You're right there are lots of seriously wounded people in these groups, but from what I can see the church does little to help them. We have resources for many different things in the churches ie. marriage counseling (remember what I said about churches' predisposition toward family orientation), but it seems that for singles the only thing the church can do is try to push them into a ministry and pray that they forget how badly they hurt and don't cause any further problems for themselves or anyone else. But that strategy isn't working, hasn't worked and I contend that they do clearly need help in the form of counseling and support. Instead most singles group leaders put on a dumb clown face (figurative)and jump around and tell people how great it is that they're single "cause that's the time that you're free to do all these great things for God's kingdom!" This kind of approach ends up really ticking them off more than anything. I think that probably the biggest problem that singles of today face is that, given the current infrastructure of most churches, they really don't fit in anywhere. And this ends up making them feel like there's something wrong with them and they wind up more depressed.

 

My advice to you would be to shop around. I don't know what you're exactly looking for in a group but I'll use my experience as an example. I am seeking Christian companionship and an atmosphere where I can positively grow and overcome/offset the negative circumstances that have engulfed my life recently. I am also currently hoping that I can meet someone with whom I can slowly begin rebuilding the foundation of what will become a blessed Christian union that will culminate in marriage. If I go to a singles group a couple times and either the atmosphere is not there or I can find no one with whom I want to take the next steps with, I simply leave and find another group. I don't want to hang in a group that is full of depressed people who never have any victory in their lives (read 80% of singles groups), neither do I want to log hours in a place is not provioding me with the opportunity to pursue my personal goals. My time could be better spent elsewhere. You can serve God in any Church, but if another Church could provide you with more opportunities to associate with others your age (and according to you your church isn't)then I would shop around and find a church that was more in sync with you and your situation.

 

Lets be honest. Most, if not all people are in singles groups because they do not want to be single anymore. Your church group that "petered out" was probably a result of the advice that I just gave KimS in the post above. Without making it sound like a "meat market" if thats possible, the members left the group for a more "target rich" environment. Lets face it, your odds of connecting with someone in a group of 300 are probably greater than a group of 6. I know that there are exceptions but they are just that and not the rule. Of course people will have to deal with the impersonalness of large churches but generally in my experience, people tend to have more success in their personal lives in such groups. You sometimes have to go to greater lengths to get noticed is all. I know all this sounds like a meat market mentality, but this is a problem that is inherent in these groups. Even your most devout, sold-out-to Christ believer who wants to serve God in any capacity usually doesn't want to stay single any longer than he/she just has to. And it has to do with different people as well and what there background has been . I know people who have never had a problem with the fact that they were single, but typically those people lacked much of the emotional baggage that typifies the majority of people in a singles group. Its easy to be positive about facing your life single at 19 and just beginning to live a life of your own. Its a whole lot more challenging at 35 when you've just lost your companion of 10 years who was a breadwinner, lover, spouse, and shoulder to cry on when necessary and are forced to hit the dating scene again after a prolonged absence if you want to start over.

 

Really, Saggy Woman the only way I've observed that most of these people can be drawn back to a positive world is to get them out of eligibility for the groups (not single anymore). I'm not necessarily hinting at marriage, as I do not consider a person who has an active relationship(s)to be single. To me single means hurting, lonely, and in need of opposite sex companionship but usually has trouble finding it. Many of these people are in a condition that is detrimental to any potential relationship that they might have. Furthermore the "wait on the Lord" attitude that is purported in these groups toward the topic of companionship improperly passes the buck to God and makes them bitter toward him when their situation isn't panning out like they feel it should. My motto is idle hands is the devil's workshop. And even if you are neck deep in ministerial duties and are not managing your personal life then in my opinion it is setting idle. I think that if people are fed up with their lives being the way they are then it is high time that they take the innitiative, pray about it, and go on the offensive. Just like they would if they were pursuing a career change. Quit waiting on stuff to happen and get out and make it happen. And listen to God. He may direct you to make some personal changes in yourself to make you a little more of a desirable prospect to your mate. Remember that he's giving YOU to them as well.

 

I think Glen316's poem is an idealistic example of how we should strive to be and represents an achievement of people such as Abraham when (in old age), after attempting to sacrifice Isaac at Gods order, was told that FINALLY the Lord saw that his faith was where it needed to be. Or Paul when he uttered the words I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith. Personally I have never known anyone who was 100% happy with their situation and "complete" as the poem describes. Even the best Christians I know have areas of struggle and stresses from life that, if removed would make life a whole lot simpler. There are people who are happy with themselves and people who are not, and as you pointed out the people who are not will never find peace because the problem lies within them. But to look at the poem and apply it to my personal life, I can honestly say that no matter what God can and will do for me, I will never be happy in a single life. I have been single for the greater part of my life and I was married for 9 years, and not to mention the realtionships I had in between. I have said it before and will say it again I would take a lifetime of unhappy marriage to a lifetime of being single. Because in my experience NOTHING good comes out of the single lifestyle. That might not be true for everyone but in my case it is. I have gotten used to living with the comforts of companionship and I need the things that relationships/marriage provide or I'm not happy plain and simple. I view being single as a revolting, pointless, listless, substandard, dead-end existence that, quite honestly between a lifetime of being single, or just dying I would choose to go on. Life without someone to share it with is meaningless and thats why there's so much contention in the church within the singles ministries. When God looked down at Adam and said Its not good for man to be alone, there was a reason. Most people need companionship that goes beyond the normal run-of-the-mill type that you can get from hanging with your buds. As people age they go through different stages and their needs change. I have lived through it and know. There will come a time in your life that you will need friends. There will come a time in your life when you will need a sexual relationship. There will come a time when you will need the joy of raising children and someday their return support. These things pan out differently for different people and in different ways. Glen316's poem would be good to hang on the wall and read every now and then to remind us of the friend we have in Jesus and the relationship he desires to have with us. God provides for our needs but if Glen316's poem was ALL that we ever needed then the human race would not exist as God would have never created eve for Adam. God is a spirit being and his Holy Spirit inhabits us. Someday we will openly commune with him in HIS dimension, but until then we are bound from this communion by the limitations of our world and we need association with others of our flesh to survive and live productively.