My rant on singles groups

Xingyi Warrior;

People who respect others do not do the kinds of things you describe to anyone. Just because ladies find you attractive in the way you describe is no better than how a bull relates to a cow. I would like to think my life consists of much more than that. The spiritual aspect of a person's life is the most intimate and deepest.

You wrote, “Women conversely get less attractive to men as they age.” Just talk to someone who has been married many years and they will tell you quite the opposite. Attractiveness is not just about skin. It is really about the deeper things in life. Marriages stay together because of what the couple have in common spiritually. I am almost old enough to be your dad and have been married 23 years. As I get older “kids” are not very attractive. My wife gets more attractive every year by the way she makes me feel. She is physically more attractive to me today than she was years ago. She has grown on me over the years. I enjoy her more as she has gotten older. She knows how to treat me well. She knows what I like. It gives me great pleasure knowing she does things I like. She is that lady in Proverbs where it says, “ An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.” And later, “ Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: "Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all." Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”

When your children bless your wife that grips you. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t trust my wife with. Beauty grows with trust. My wife is the kind of woman I want my daughter to be like. I wish I were more like her too. My wife has a lot of wisdom when it comes to knowing what to say. She is the kindest woman I know. Many times she has gotten employee of the month at the hospital where she works. She is a pleasure to be with. Others enjoy being with her. By who she is has opened many doors to get to know others and to share the gospel with them. I have seen people share their heart with her because she is an excellent listener. Simply put when I look at her it gives me pleasure knowing that God smiled on me and blessed me far beyond what I ever dreamed.

 

HEY! ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MY WIFE!

 

Back to the topic at hand...

I suppose I see things from a different perspective. I'm 34 and single, and I'm quite happy thank you very much and have absolutely no problem with the idea of not ever marrying in my life.

Being single, like being married, is very much a calling. Are most people called to be married? Certainly. However, Jesus once said that some are made eunuchs by God, others by men, and still others by their own choice. Being single is a great blessing to some of us, and something that we can and do embrace as our calling in life.

I'm not sexually frustrated. Brief word of testimony here: I went down the path of rebellion once before and I wound up getting HIV. God used that to close down my sex life and open up an entirely new world to me so that I can and do devote myself to serving Him. Frankly, I can kiss well and am, I understand, a lot of fun in the sack. I can, if I wish, melt the buttons of a blouse, but I choose not to do so, and it's not been a difficult choice to make at all. I'm not repressed or supressed psychologically. Being single and celibate is exactly what my calling in life includes, and I'm happy with it.

Now, I'm not stupid. I also know the Lord might one day send me a woman with whom I can settle down with as a wife. However, frankly, it's rather difficult to find a wife who is, at the risk of sounding tacky, so please forgive me here, no offense is meant, single, white, female, with a college education and is also HIV positive and a highly committed Christian, preferably who is Reformed in her theological affirmations. I know, what can I say, I'm picky, but there you have it. We all have our standards, and, to date, those are mine.

That said, I do share some of your views on singles ministries. It is hard enough being HIV positive, Christian, Southern Baptist and open about your HIV status (I do that, because I believe Christians need to be aware that there are persons with HIV in their pews that don't fit the image that they've developed about such people, but that's another thread), much less single.

My church has over 6000 members. However, I feel very out of place in the "singles" ministry, because I'm not really single in my mind. I consider myself very much married, figuratively, to the Lord. I'm simply not looking and have no desire to look for a partner at this time of my life. It's not just a case of being too busy, it's a case of being sensitive to the Lord's leading, and, frankly, I know Him well enough to know that He's not, at this time, leading me in that direction.

Sunday School is where my church organizes itself. Unfortunately, the "graded" system tends to through persons together by marital status and age. Therefore, the "appropriate" Sunday School class for me is a singles class that is for my age group. Frankly, I don't like hanging out with them. People my age seem to be all "looking," and, additionally, singles are still treated as "special needs" members of most churches.

My needs are not "special." Personally, I'd be very happy interacting with a group of Baptist Men of my age that is inclusive of singles and who get together two or three times a week for prayer and Bible study. However, the Baptist Men tend to be mostly married, and, while I like hanging out with married folks a lot, there is still this unspoken attitude that, if you're 34 and not married something is "wrong" with you, and that makes me very uncomfortable. Add to that being HIV positive, and you've got to deal with those that think you're gay, even if you're not, or, when they hear your testimony they set you on some kind of pedestal like I'm more spiritual because I'm HIV positive, which I'm not, or that I'm "special needs," as an "AIDS victim, which I certainly am not (I'm VERY healthy thank you), those that get more hung up on how you got HIV than the fact that you have it, as if they are compelled to have me relieve the details of how I got it, and then those that still think you can get it from a swimming pool (yes, there are still those folks around).

I wish singles would simply be integrated into the everyday life of churches. I'm tired of being singled out because I'm, well, single. I'm not divorced, I'm single by choice and by calling, and I'm still looking for that small group Bible study of men and women of any adult age group that don't care about marital status or age and who are more like a "house church" within the larger church.

That's my rant. I can sympathize.

Regards,

Gene

 

I agree. The modern church has allowed popular society to define its mission. In the name of reaching out, we've borrowed the categorization of persons from them.

In this case, the cateogorization is one of both age and marital status. We've forgotten that people are just that, people. I define single the exact same way you do. However, what we do is, pardon the pun, single out the singles as if they are somehow dysfunction.

People believe the messages that they are told by the majority. It's just the way we're socialized in America, by and large. I noticed you used the term "singles lifestyle." What exactly is "the singles lifestyle?" Don't worry, our society does it all the time. It's just like "the gay lifestyle, the married lifestyle, the teenage lifestyle, the drug lifestyle, etc., etc." There is not a set of definite principles that defines each group of persons until those persons derive from dominant society what the dominant society means by those terms and begins living them out. I contend that most singles are discontented with being single, precisely because they are told they should be discontented with being single. Then they begin believing the lie; then they begin living that out, because they believe that is the truth. That's the nature of human nature.

This isn't what Scripture teaches about such things. Scripture teaches us to be content in whatever stage or station in life in which we find ourselves. It's one thing to have aspirations to move on to something else. That is that is part and parcel of being content with where one is in life. Being content does not mean one should not aspire to other things. However, it is quite another to aspire to other things because one feels that one is dysfunctional or deficient because the state in one finds oneself is inferior to another. Only in cases of spiritual maturity would that be acceptable.

I have had to sit in meetings of Christian men and women who do not know about my HIV status and hear them say all manner of perjorative things about persons with HIV and express all manner of ignorance about HIV. I understand also what it is like to take scorn and ridicule from them. It's also rather amazing sometimes when I find out I'm dead or living in sin or some other sort of rumor that persons I've not seen in many years have said. Rather than being hurt, I find it rather amusing, especially when I go find those persons and say, "I heard I'm dead and you told that to somebody." I go no further than to simply correct the untruth.

I'm reminded of what Jesus said to the 12 and again to the 70 (or 72 if you go by some manuscripts) in Luke. When He sent both groups out in pairs, He told them that if they and their message were not welcomed to simply shake the dust of their feet off and move on. Once, when He encountered such a "welcome" Himself, He was with the 12, and they had just reported back to Him after their itinerancy on that same mission where He had commissioned them with that instruction. James and John wanted to call down fire from heaven to consume the persons that rejected them. Had they learned nothing?! Every time I read that account, I can't help but think the Lord, had He been sitting at a desk, would have done what we sometimes do and bang His head on the desk thinking just that. Do what I do, shake the dust of your feet off, and let the Lord deal with them in due time. In the long run, the scales of the universe tip toward justice, and nobody remembers the bad things about you that name callers, backstabbers, gossips, and slanderers speak. They only remember that they were the bad people that said them. The Lord always vindicates His children.