Need advice in the worse way

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by GodsRealTruth, May 8, 2009.

  1. GodsRealTruth

    GodsRealTruth
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    Good Morning,

    I am a pastor who is struggling with a problem to say the least. Satan is after me in a big way, and just will not stop. I am turning to my brothers and sisters on this board for advice. Here is the issue...I have spent many hours praying over this, and continue to pray...:tear:

    I know Jesus has called me to pastor and to preach, but the problem is my wife. I love her very much, but she constantly puts me down, has fits of rage over just about everything I do, she critiques every move I make, she will get real angry and snap at me in front of my kids. She never does this at the church or in front of church members. The other thing is our son who is an older teen gets treated more like a husband than I do. She is real sweet to him all the time, but not to me. I get absolutely no respect at all in my home :tear:

    By the way, before the ladies start on me about maybe she is overwhelmed what do you do to help her? Let me answer that...I cook every afternoon to have dinner ready for her when she gets home. I also wash the dishes, and do other house work around the house to make sure and help her because she is a pastor's wife and works as well.

    Sex is maybe once a month if I am lucky, and if I try to defend myself or my actions when she snaps and yells at me. Or if I even have a hint I am getting mad then she will act shocked that a pastor would do such a thing.

    It has gotten so bad that I am deeply depressed, and have had thoughts of suicide, but have never even come close to following through. I do not want to fail in the mission Jesus has given me, but I am afraid this is getting to me in the worse way.

    I know...I know... some of you are going to tell me I am not qualified to be a pastor because I cannot rule my home. There is no pastor out there who is perfect. I am open to all advice...Please help me Lord Jesus.....:praying::tear:
     
  2. sag38

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    I would recommend going to see a Chrisitan marriage counselor. This problem is serious and you need outside help. Let your wife know that you are going. Invite her to come too. But, if she refuses, go by yourself. The situation is not beyond repair but I would suggest that only a professional can help you work through this.
     
  3. jcjordan

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    I don't recommend a professional. I would instead recommend seeing a biblical neuthetic counselor. You can find one in your area by going to http://www.nanc.org/Directory.aspxYou need to realize that marriage doesn't exist to make you happy, but rather to teach you unconditional love. Brother, think about what it means to love your wife, like Christ loves the church. I know it's not easy. I was once in a very similar marriage and didn't handle it well at all. I hope the same won't be the case with you.
     
  4. Shortandy

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    Brother let me start by saying that I am praying for you and will continue to pray. This is and should be a major concern for you. Not knowing you or your situation personally I will throw a few thoughts out and wait for your response. First, many wives feel like church and ministry are the "other woman" in the pastor's life. You may be doing all the right things like cooking and cleaning but that is still not "quality time." Maybe she feels like you are sacrificing your family on the altar of ministry. I would encourage you to involve spiritually mature people from your church. You see your home life is what qualifies you for ministry. Maybe an accountability meeting with you, your wife, and those mature people is in order. Yall can look at and go through the scriptures on what your marriage should be and then discuss why you are missing the mark. I would advise this over the "professional" who will give you more psychology than Scripture. Whatever the problems are repentace and restoration are required for the sake of your marriage first and your ministry second.
     
  5. Servent

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    I would also suggest seeing someone, at the same time and I'm not judging anyone but is she truly saved. I only ask because I have seen this before and when the wife was saved there lives did change for the better.
     
  6. GodsRealTruth

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    Thanks

    I appreciate the replies and will consider the advice. As far as her salvation is concerned. Over 10 years ago before I was called into the ministry, she walked the aisle, and gave her life to Jesus, and then was baptized a few weeks afterwards. I too have wondered if this was sincere on her part because some of the things I have seen from her suggests otherwise.

    However, I must say we all struggle with sin, and have our faults.

    I will continue to pray for guidance through this situation...:praying:
     
  7. Thinkingstuff

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    This doesn't really have to do with your specific situation but maybe similiar situations.

    I've spent a lot of time out side of the United States. I see that there is a fundalmental problem with American Culture with regard to christianity and how to live our lives for Christ.

    First of all I think naturally we incorporate American Values into Christianity. Currently our values have been related to income and aquisition of wealth and Things. Primarily because of this a trend for a "health and wealth" Gospel permiates the air waves and affects each of our lives. We also see with this type of attitude in families. There is an expectation of life style that we have named "the american dream" which often involves a certain independence and oddly a white picket fence. Every american family has a perception that there is a "standard of Living" that they should have a "right" to. Unfortunately, this carries over to Christian Families. Which is why in order to meet the mininal requirement of "standard of living" both parents work jobs so that 1) they can afford the appropiate house 2) afford the appropiate vehicles 3) afford the appropiate luxury items and clothes. Thus young people bombasted on a daily basis with american inculteration from the TV, School, friends gossip, movies and the whole system feel that they have a need beyond being content with what they already have. In other words there is never enough. So also these young people have also bought into the perception of modern "love" or "romantic" love. Which is entirely emotions based and quite a bit of hormon base and always limited. So when they marry the person they are currently infatuated with (in "love") they have expectation on how that person must behave. Which is often as a servant of themselves. Seeing that both people have this expectation what generally happens is the dominant personality takes over and takes. When the dominant party is a woman. Secretly they want the man to act more aggressively yet with respect but they feel that their "rights" are violated when it occures. If the man conceedes then he is week in their perception and they take advantage both cases the relationship becomes unbarable for both parties. Men under the same issue will either try to dominate by force (mentally and/or physically), passive aggressive behavior which is purposely irritating. Unfortunately, these problems stem from the cultural values that we have which we carry over to the church. Christianity in its true form is self sacrificing. Giving. and very difficult to opperate. Both parties must be giving in order for a Godly rendering of the faith in the marriage. I've seen these situations again and again. One spouse often dissociates from the other allowing to met other partners. I've seen a woman who was similar to another Christian man end up cheeting on him. Regretting doing it but would not deny herself to obediance. Similar things have happened to Christianity throughout the millenia. Consider Rome, Byzantium, France, Germany, England and the United States. Each have made christianity over in the values their cultures hold.
     
  8. sag38

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    JC, with all due respect there are actually legitimate professional Christian counselor out there. I have no problem with Biblical counselors either. The point is for someone to do his or her homework and not just see anyone whatever their qualifications may be.
     
  9. Olivencia

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    I'd put my foot down and say and no way! Give it back to her man. I'll tell ya, this is the prime reason I came to the Philippines. I was so sick and tired of this "What about my rights attitude"!
    You gotta take control man. Lay down the law. If she don't like it then tough cookies. You don't deserve for her to treat you like garbage. So oftentimes with women you have to take the I don't care approach. Thing is, you have done enough to get along and to pacify her rants. Now is the time to speak up! And speak up loudly! They only understand (and respect) a guy when he resorts to doing things like this.
    Hey, the more you do the more she is going to complain. The situation will not improve. Change it!
    Don't submit to the intimidation!
     
  10. rbell

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    get some marriage counseling, and soon.

    If she won't go, then you do.

    May God be with you. I truly hope your marriage will prosper.
     
  11. Revmitchell

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    This does not disqualify you as Pastor and neither does it automatically mean it is your fault. Do not take this to anyone in your congregation at this time. Find another pastor who has more time in the ministry than you and begin there. Do not discuss this with anyone who is not a Pastor. It may become necessary to go to a Christian counselor as they can be very effective but because of your calling your situation is much more complicated. It would be even better to gather a circle of several pastors who are willing to go through this with you and have their wives be a part of the solution as well. This forum is not the place to get answers on this. Prayer and fasting and the word of God should be the primary tools you use to deal with this. I will be in much prayer. God Bless
     
  12. EdSutton

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    Contrary to my usual practice of starting at the beginning of a thread, and immediately simply responding to posts in the order I come to them, I decided to read this entire thread before tossing in my own 2 farthings.

    It seems quite obvious that you are in a very troublesome situation, from your post, and I commend you for seeking some advice, from any reputable source.

    That said, the best comment I have seen thus far, is this one made by Revmitchell.
    He is 'dead on' here, on both counts.

    Despite all our best intentions and concern, not one of us is really privy to enough information and the situation, to offer you anything of real substance, based on only this little bit of information here. It is simply not possible for any of us to deal with any details, in this setting. Plus, we are getting only one 'side' if you will, as well, which means anything we might offer can only be somewhat 'tinged' at best, as well.

    Secondly, regardless of what may have or may have not ensued up until this point, or who, if anyone, may be to 'blame', the place to start is with "you" as opposed to "her" in any case, as he is effectively recommending, and as apparently you are also doing, by starting this with prayer about the situation.

    In short, get someone much geographically closer to the situation, and who can be better informed, and go from there, simultaneously praying, as well. And we will pray for you, as well.

    Sorry that I cannot offer you a good 6 sentence answer with enough good advice to cover all events over at least some two decades, concerning which I could have no possible knowledge, but again, that is simply not possible to do.

    Ed
     
    #12 EdSutton, May 9, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: May 9, 2009
  13. Scarlett O.

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    Dear brother,

    I am so very sorry that this is happening in your home. And my heart hurts for you that it has driven to the comtemplation of suicide. I'm praying for you.

    I, too, recommend that you seek a Christian/Biblical counselor. Someone, a man, that you can speak to in person and share every single thing that you cannot share here.....someone who can put his arm around you and weep with you. We can't do that here. We don't know you nor her. We are limited in what we can do for you. The best we can do is pray. And we will.

    Right now, and only going by what you have disclosed, you cannot change her overnight. You can only deal with yourself. Dig deeply into the Word and make sure that you are following God's plan for a husband - a representative of Christ loving the church.

    If you are.....then right now, today, that is all you can do. If you are....take solice, comfort, and peace in that. And take confidence as a man in that. Her utter disrespect for you is between her and God. Yes, it's harming you......but she has to answer to God for it.

    A man loving his wife more than his own body and the way that Christ loved the church is not about doing the dishes for her nor cooking for her. That's nice that you do that, but it isn't about chores. A woman respecting and trusting her husband in the way that the church respects and trusts Christ isn't about chores, either. You can continue helping her and you should help her, but stop trying to appease her and make things better by this. Do it from love and not approval. Her problem isn't about household duties. She's got a serious, serious heart issue.

    There are SO many reasons why your wife could be treating you this way. I would never dare to presume anything. This is why you need to seek someone quickly - a personal, profession, Christian man who can give you face-to-face Biblical counsel.

    My prayers for your peace of mind, her deliverance, and the restoration of your marriage. :flower:
     
  14. Scarlett O.

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    Dear Sir,

    I have read many of your posts. But never responded. There's a reason for that.

    The advice that you have given this broken man is not Biblical. This was never the attitude that Jesus Christ had with the church. Never.

    A Godly husband is to love his wife more than his own body and in the sacrificial manner that Christ had and still has for the church whether she is lovable or not. Love her in respectful action, as a verb and not from the cushiony seat of a noun - an emotion. He is to imitate Christ and to sacrifice himself daily for her sake in whatever manner it takes to make her a better wife, woman, Christian, and human being. And he is to do this whether she deserves it or not. He doesn't imitate Christ to make himself a better husband. He doesn't lord over her. He imitates Christ to make her a better wife. It's all about her.

    A Godly wife is to revere, respect, and trust her husband more than she trusts her own judgment whether he is respectable or trustworthy nor not. Respect him and trust him as a loving action, a verb - and not the enslavement of a noun - a martrydom. She is to imitate the church and is to deny herself daily for his sake in whatever manner it takes to make him a better husband, man, Christian, and human being. And she is to do this whether he deserves it or not. She doesn't imitate the church to make herself a better wife. She doesn't cower beneath him. She imitates the church to make him a better husband. It's all about him.

    The sentence in your post that I have underlined is quite telling.

    Peace to you and yours.
     
    #14 Scarlett O., May 9, 2009
    Last edited: May 9, 2009
  15. Purple Lady

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    GodsRealTruth,
    I am praying for you and your marriage, too.

    I live with a very unhappy angry person. I have often felt the same way you do. But then someone comes along and reminds me that whatever I do is not for me, but it's for the Lord. And I am able to stand another day.

    Praying for you to be able to stand another day, too.
     
  16. Olivencia

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    Dear Sir,

    I have read many of your posts. But never responded. There's a reason for that.

    The advice that you have given this broken man is not Biblical. This was never the attitude that Jesus Christ had with the church. Never.

    A Godly husband is to love his wife more than his own body and in the sacrificial manner that Christ had and still has for the church whether she is lovable or not.

    --> I never said not to love her.




    Love her in respectful action, as a verb and not from the cushiony seat of a noun - an emotion. He is to imitate Christ and to sacrifice himself daily for her sake in whatever manner it takes to make her a better wife, woman, Christian, and human being. And he is to do this whether she deserves it or not.

    --> Does Christ ever have to reprimand His church (bride)?




    He doesn't imitate Christ to make himself a better husband. He doesn't lord over her. He imitates Christ to make her a better wife. It's all about her.

    --> But He does issue His church (bride) commands to be obeyed. Yes He does it it in love (sometimes tough love) but they are not suggestions.

    A Godly wife is to revere, respect, and trust her husband more than she trusts her own judgment whether he is respectable or trustworthy nor not. Respect him and trust him as a loving action, a verb - and not the enslavement of a noun - a martrydom. She is to imitate the church and is to deny herself daily for his sake in whatever manner it takes to make him a better husband, man, Christian, and human being. And she is to do this whether he deserves it or not. She doesn't imitate the church to make herself a better wife. She doesn't cower beneath him. She imitates the church to make him a better husband. It's all about him.

    The sentence in your post that I have underlined is quite telling.

    --> What else does this man have to do? Wash more dishes? Cook more meals? No way. It's time for him to give her a serious wake up call.



    Peace to you and yours.
     
  17. Spinach

    Spinach
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    My approach---to say to Olivencia that his post explains well why he's still single.

    Scarlett O's approach---much more gracious!

    Dear Brother in the OP, I can sympathise with your frustrations and will be praying for you and your family.
     
  18. Olivencia

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    My approach---to say to Olivencia that his post explains well why he's still single.

    --> Still single? Nice try. Married to a Filipina. And have no plans on ever living in the USA. Don't want her to be corrupted :thumbs:
     
  19. gb93433

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    Before I ever counseled anyone in your case I suggested that they get a complete physical to rule out possible physical problems. Years ago I thought I was going crazy and had a physical and then realized why. The problem ended when I took care of the physical problem.
     
  20. Tom Butler

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    I have no advice to add, but I do have a couple of questions.

    If saving your marriage, or at least having peace in it, meant giving up the ministry, would you be willing to do it?

    If you would, does your wife know that?
     

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