Okay, so I am a Calvinist now ...

Discussion in 'Baptist Theology & Bible Study' started by All about Grace, May 4, 2006.

  1. All about Grace

    All about Grace
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    SARCASM alert ... if you cannot laugh at your own theological system, please do not engage in this thread. It is intended for HUMOR. I am making NO accusations.

    Okay, so I am a Calvinist now ...

    I can spend my quiet time reading the Institutes and the Puritans.

    I had better let my kids, neighbors, family members, and friends know they will probably spend eternity in Hell. Chances are they are not a part of the elect.

    I have no reason to blame my ex-spouse's unfaithfulness on his/her wrong choices. After all, they were predestined to behave in such a way.

    I don't have to worry about my church growing. I can simply say God has not called anyone.

    I can criticize the churches that are growing rapidly as watering down the gospel.

    I can redefine the words "all" & "world" to fit within my system.

    I can reinterpret the whole Bible in light of a 17th century theological system.

    I have all the answers.

    I can refer to those who are not Calvinists as "less knowledgeable or spiritual" than those of us who have arrived theologically.

    I have an excuse to be theologically arrogant - after all, I am one of the elect. I'm an insider.

    I can memorize Rom 9-11 and a few verses in John 6 and Eph 1 and reinterpret the rest of the Bible in light of them.

    I can speak of evangelism but not actually have to do it.

    I can refer to Calvinism as "the gospel" and make outlandish statements like "Jesus and Paul were Calvinists".

    And finally, I can now try and take over every theological thread on the Baptist Board!!!

    :D [​IMG]


    Feel free to add to the discussion.
    I am a Calvinist now ...
     
  2. Calvibaptist

    Calvibaptist
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    NOTE - I found the above amusing. I will add my own twist to it.

    Okay, so I'm a free-willer now...

    I can spend my quiet time reading Pelagius and Arminius.

    I had better let my kids, neighbors, family members, and friends know they will probably spend eternity in Hell. Chances are, although God did everything He could, it's not enough to override their own bad choices.

    I have every reason to blame my ex-spouse's unfaithfulness only his/her wrong choices. After all, God has no control of anything and only, at best, reacts real well when we do stupid stuff.

    I have to worry all the time about my church growing. After all, when Jesus said that He would build His church, He really meant that it was all up to me and my methodoligy.

    I can criticize the churches that aren't growing rapidly as not caring about the lost enough.

    I can redefine the words "predestined" & "elect" to fit within my system.

    I can reinterpret the whole Bible in light of a 6th century heretical (as determined by the Council of Orange in 529) theological system.

    I have all the answers.

    I can refer to those who are not free-willers as "robots" and "fatalists" and not caring about the lost as much as those of us who understand the biblical concepts of the love and fairness of God.

    I have an excuse to be theologically ignorant - after all, Jesus said it takes the faith of a little child and they know nothing.

    I can memorize John 3:16 and a every verse that mentions the word "choose" and reinterpret the rest of the Bible in light of them.

    I can do evangelism but not actually know what I am doing.

    I can refer to free-willism as "biblical" and make outlandish statements like "calvin's god is not the God of the Bible".

    And finally, I can now accuse Calvinist of trying to take over every theological thread on the Baptist Board while creating my own post on the same issue!!!

    NOTE: all of these were jokes and just as ridiculous as the OP.
     
  3. Grasshopper

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    I'm a free-willer, there is no need to pray for the lost. God has done all He can do and will not violate man's free will. Therefore I will not be a hypocrite and pray for God to "change a man's heart". I have blacked out this portion of Acts 16:14 in my Bible:

    Act 16:14 And a certain woman named Lydia heard us, a seller of purple of the city of Thyatira, who worshiped God; whose heart the Lord opened , so that she attended to the things which were spoken by Paul.
     
  4. J.D.

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    WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT HUMOR AT HOME! LEAVE IT TO PROFESSIONALS.

    BECAUSE YOU HAVE ATTEMPTED HUMOR WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL TRAINING, YOU HAVE BEGUN A SERIES OF EVENTS THAT WILL LEAD TO ALL OUT NUCLEAR WAR.

    FAREWELL.
     
  5. npetreley

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    I'm a free willer. I believe God would not command us to do something unless He also gave us the capability to respond. That's why it's so easy to not only obey the written law and the 10 commandments, but to obey the spirit of the law, to the point where we never have a lustful thought and never get angry with our brother.
     
  6. Brother Bob

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  7. Jarthur001

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    Yes..tis funny.

    I too will make my list.

    Okay, so I'm a free-willer now...

    ****
    God is love.

    I love to tell Calvinist what they think

    I love to hug

    I love numbers..lots of numbers

    I love that I can come and go to God as I please. (I'm FREEEEEE)

    I love to look for love verses on google

    God is love.

    >>>Lets hug..I just love to hug

    Yet..I hate the word hate when the Bible says its my God that hates.

    I hate election and would love to see it gone. (please don't make me read that again)

    I hate predestined and love to find new ways to use it.

    I hate to study the Bible and wish we could just loooove.

    I hate it when the Bible says choose. Its a real bummer

    >>>>Come on....GROUP HUG!!! AAAAAW

    I love that I'm in control and not God

    I love my will and WILL not give it up.

    I love hearts and flowers and daisy chains

    I love LOVE

    >>>>Lets all hold hands and sing

    I hate it ugly words like sin (sorry..i had to say it)

    I hate it when the preacher says..REPENT. (that always scares me)

    I just hate the word..H _ L L!! ( it makes me sad to think of it)

    I need a hug :(

    I love hugs...

    ********

    [​IMG]
     
  8. Brother Bob

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    All about Grace;

    Good for you, they need all they can get, but are you sure. You know there will be some who will say Lord we have prophsied in thy name and done all the wonderful things and He will say depart for I never knew you. What if you find out you are not a calvinist you going to go ahead and jump in and get it started. :eek: :eek: :eek:
     
  9. J.D.

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    Jarthur I got a big [​IMG] out of that.
     
  10. npetreley

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    Me too. Kumbaya, everyone! God is love! (And nothing else.)
     
  11. All about Grace

    All about Grace
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    I am a Calvinist now ...

    I can spend my time focused on the true JC in my life -- Jean Calvin.

    my theology equals that of the Westboro Baptist Church crowd ... God hates Esau & God hates f*gs.

    my methodology does not have to move out of the 19th century.

    I can listen to organ music!

    I can replace my Purpose-Driven life book with John Owen's Mortification.

    I can join the Founders movement.

    Mark Dever and Al Mohler are my heroes.

    my church can leave its pews and stained glass.

    I don't have to worry about having the largest church in town.

    I don't have to worry about hiring staff or building buildings.

    I can pretend 2 Pet 3.9 doesn't really mean God does not want anyone to perish but all to come to repentance.

    I can focus on dead theologians instead of the thousands of lost around me!!!


    Please remember -- this is all written in good humor by someone of the Reformed persuasion. It is all right for you Calvinists to poke fun at yourselves instead of trying to turn the thread around. Any takers out there? Are there any Calvinists willing to poke fun of their own theology???
     
  12. Calvibaptist

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    I am a Calvinist now...

    I can sign up for the Baptist Board for the sole purpose of setting all those Arminians straight.

    I can place all my trust in the fact that the Baptists originally had a confession of faith just like the Westminster Confession.

    I can pretend that all those names on the church role that don't come to church were never saved to begin with.

    Just a few to keep things going...
     
  13. saturneptune

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    Yes indeedy, if we could just go back to the 1500's in our hippy dippy time machine, I'll bet we would have found out Calvin was a really jovial kind of guy, a knee slapper. I can just imagine him putting a paper bag over his head and going on the Gong show as the unknown Reformist.
     
  14. Jarthur001

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    i hate to sound stupid..but if the shoe fits wear it.

    anyway..
    who is Mark Dever, Al Mohler, Jean Calvin and who is Westboro Baptist Church crowd?

    I know its a joke...but i need to understand so i can laugh
     
  15. saturneptune

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    Never heard of any of them. Havent seen them mentioned in the Bible one time.
     
  16. Tom Butler

    Tom Butler
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    You know what the Calvinist said after he was run over by a car, don't you?

    "Whew, I'm glad that's over."
     
  17. JRG39402

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    The Christian Army (Baptists specifically) are the only group I know that steps on their injured. Here is my belief personally: that God died for everyone, but only those that come to him will be saved. God gave us the Great Commision, so does it really matter which side (if any) is right. Let's just witness to the lost and let people be saved (whether that is completely from God or from us leading them to God). It may be an interesting debate, but let's just do what we can agree on: reach out to the lost and hope they are saved (by whatever means). Let's stop fighting.
     
  18. Jarthur001

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    Hi JRG###,

    I have a few things I would like to ask you. I'll start with this one.

    You said.."God died for everyone"

    Why did He?
     
  19. webdog

    webdog
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    "For God so loved the world..."
     
  20. Jarthur001

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    I'm not sure if you are answering me or not webdog, but in case you are..lets move on...if not..never mind.

    So..your saying

    "God died for the everyone in the world."
    And He did this because "HE loved the world." right?

    If this is right...what good did this do?

    I do not meant to put words in your mouth...just asking
     

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