Old Codger's Club

Heard that at a cannibal convention they were complaining about how tough the meat was.

Problem? They boiled the missionary and THEN found out he was a friar.

 

And they sold BAPTISTS for twice as much as Catholic or Lutheran bodies.

Why? Have you ever tried to gut and clean one?

 

Well, Dan, I call 'em like I see 'em.

Like my grandpa Forrest used to say, "Weird is what weird does."

And posting 10 posts in a row on bugs is just "not nacheral".

 

MEMORIES OF GROWING UP (from an "Old Codger")

"Hey Dad," my Son asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"We ate at home," I explained.

"Your Grandma cooked every day and when your Grandpa got home from work, we all sat down together at the table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I had to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, my Son was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer some serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to get my Father's permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I had figured his system could handle it:

My parents never: wore Levi's, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country (except to fight in the Pacific), flew in a plane or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a "revolving charge card" but they never actually used it. It was only good at Sears-Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears and Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was because soccer back then was just for the girls or not played at all. We actually did walk to school. By the time you were in the 6th grade it was not cool to ride the bus unless you lived more than 4 or 5 miles from the school, even when it was raining or there was ice or snow on the ground.

Outdoor sports consisted of stickball, kickball, snowball fights, building forts, making snowmen and sliding down hills on a piece of cardboard. No skate boards, roller blades or trail bikes.

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 12. It was, of course, black and white, but you could buy a piece of special colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third as green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was a Sam's Pizza at the East end of Fruit Street. My friend, Steve took me there to try what he called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down and plastered itself against my chin. It's still the best pizza I ever had. Pizzas were not delivered to your house back then, but the milk was. I looked forward to winter because the cream in the milk was on top of the bottle and it would freeze and push the cap off. Of course as kids would get up first to get the milk and eat the frozen cream.

I never had a telephone in my room. Actually the only phone in the house was in the hallway and it was on a party line. Before you could make a call, you had to listen into make sure someone else wasn't already using the line. If the line was not in use an Operator would come on and ask "number please" and you would give her the number you wanted to call.

There was no such thing as a computer or a hand held calculator. We were required to memorize the "times tables." Believe it or not, we were tested each week on our ability to perform mathematics with nothing but a pencil and paper. We took a spelling test every day. There was no such thing as a "social promotion." If you flunked a class, you repeated that grade the following year. Nobody was concerned about your "self esteem." We had to actually do something praiseworthy before we were praised. We learned that you had to earn respect.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and most all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered the "Daily News" six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut on screen. Touching someone else' s tongue with yours was called French kissing and they just didn't do that in the movies back then. I had no idea what they did in French movies. French movies were considered dirty and we weren't allowed to see them. You never saw the Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers or anyone else actual kill someone. The heroes back then would just shoot the gun out of the bad guys hand. There was no blood and violence.

When you were sick, the Doctor actually came to your house. No, I am not making this up. Drugs were something you purchased at a pharmacy in order to cure an illness.

If we dared to "sass" our parents, or any other grown-up, we immediately found out what soap tasted like (ours was Fels Nafta). For more serious infractions, we learned about something called a "this hurts me more than it hurts you." I never did quite understand that one. In those days, parents were expected to discipline their kids. There was no interference from the government. "Social Services" or "Family Services" hadn't been invented (The ninth and tenth amendments to the constitution were still observed in those days.) I must be getting old because I find myself reflecting back more and more and thinking I liked it a lot better back then.

Growing up today sure ain't what it used to be.

 

That article is actually tomorrow's "Grif.Net" along with anote explaining my absence.

Way too much of it is real in my case, for certain sure!