Preacher Jokes

Discussion in 'Clean Humor' started by SonPraises, Jul 26, 2011.

  1. SonPraises

    SonPraises
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    The ink had barely dried on the seminary diploma of a newly ordained pastor who had been called to a rural parish.

    He arrives at the parsonage and decides to take a walk around his new home. After a bit he comes across an old farmer sitting on his porch. Full of evangelistic zeal he set about determining the spirituality of the man.

    "Excuse me, friend," said the preacher, "but are you a Christian."

    "Naw," said the farmer. "I'm a Cunningham. Bill Christian an' his kin live on t'other side of the river."

    "I don't think you understand me," the preacher said. "I want to know whether or not you are lost."

    "Shoot no, I'm not lost. I was born and bred in this here holler an' I better'n the back of my hand."

    Undaunted the preacher started again and this time wanted to speak as plainly as he could to get his point across.

    "What I want to know, friend," the preacher started out, "is if you are ready for Judgement Day."

    The old farmer said, "Now just when is this Judgment Day?"

    Thinking he was making some headway, the minister said, "It could be today, It could be tomorrow, or it could be next week."

    The old farmer squinted his eyes at the preacher and said, "Stranger, I don't want you saying nothin' about no Judgement Day to my wife."

    The preacher was aghast. "Well, why not if I might ask?" he questioned the old farmer.

    "'Cause she'd wanna go all three days!"

    ~~~
    Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

    The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

    The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

    The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

    Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

    The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

    The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"

    The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."

    "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
    ~~~
    A minister was walking along when he came upon a bridge and was shocked to discover a man about ready to jump.

    "Don't jump!" he said.

    "I have nothing to live for" the man said to the minister.

    "There's always hope if you believe in God. Do you believe in God" the minister asked.

    "Yes." said the man.

    "So do I!" Said the preacher. "Are you Jewish or a Christian?"

    "I'm a Christian," said the man.

    "So am I!" Said the minister. "Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

    "I'm Prostesant," said the man.

    "So am I!" Said the preacher. "Are you Methodist or Baptist?"

    "I'm Baptist"said the man.

    "So am I!" Said the preacher. "Are you a National Baptist or a Sovereign Baptist?"

    "I'm a Sovereign Baptist" said the man.

    "So am I!" Said the preacher. "Are you a Soverign Baptist who affirms the 1809 Statement of Faith or the 1932 Principles of Doctrines."

    "Uh... the 1809 Statement of Faith" said the man.

    "Great!" said the preacher, "As amended by the 1971 Declaration on Biblical Interpretation or as amended by the 1980 Summary of Historic Principles."

    "Um... the 1971 Declaration of Biblical intrepretation." said the man.

    The preacher shoves him off the bridge and shouted "Die heretic!"

    ~~~
    A little boy happend upon an old country church that was having a baptism in the creek beside the church.

    He went down in the river and the minister asked him, "Have you found Jesus?"

    "No, sir" said the boy.

    So the minister pushed him under the water.

    The boy came up sputtering.

    "Have you found Jesus yet?" asked the minister.

    "No Sir!" said the boy

    So he got another dunking.

    He comes up again and the minister asked again, "Have you found Jesus yet?"

    "No sir" said the boy

    So he got another dunking.

    "Have you found Jesus yet?" The minister asked.

    "Are you sure this is where he went down?" Asked the boy.

    ~~~

    And one rabbi Joke.

    An orthodox Jew sent his son to Israel in the hopes of finding a wife and so he could perfect his Hebrew. The boy came home and said, "Don't be angry with me, father, but when I was in Israel, I became a Christian."

    The man was aghast that his son should leave the faith of his ancestors--and in the Holy Land of all places. So as was his custom, he sought the advice of a pious elderly man.

    The man listened to the father patiently and when he finished his story he said, "It is funny that you should come to me with this! I too hve a son whom I sent to Israel and he too became Christian."

    The two men decide to seek the advice and counsel of their rabbi, so they called upon him and the rabbi listened to the two men and when they were done said, "It is funny tht you should come to me with this! I too have a son whom I sent to Israel and he too became a Christian."

    SO the three men thought they had better to go to prayer in search of guidance.

    And after the rabbi had finished his prayer, alight shone through the window and a booming voice from the heavens said, "It is funny that you should come to me with this! I too have a Son whom I sent to Israel..."
     
  2. InTheLight

    InTheLight
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    Keep 'em coming, please!
     
  3. Carolina Baptist

    Carolina Baptist
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    Posted in error
     
    #3 Carolina Baptist, Jul 26, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 26, 2011
  4. Thousand Hills

    Thousand Hills
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    Here's a couple I heard recently.

    Joke #1

    A preacher was invited to Sunday dinner at the home of a lady from his church. She was a good woman but never seemed to care much about her appearance and was always wearing what appeared to be dirty clothes. The preacher had some reservations about eating at her home due to this. When he set down at the table he began to observe the plates, he asked her if those were the cleanest plates she had, she replied, "Yep, they are as clean as soap and water can get them." She had prepared a wonderful meal and when they were finished eating asked for the preacher's plate so that she could next serve some dessert. She then proceeded to walk to the back of the little country farmhouse and step out on the back porch. She then hollered "Soap! Water! come here!!"

    Joke #2

    A preacher was invited over for Sunday dinner at the home of a farmer, who was a member of his congregation. The family prepared a wonderful meal, with a variety of chicken prepared several different ways. After the meal was over the preacher and the farmer went out on the front porch to rest from the heavy meal and to talk. While they were talking a rooster walked around the corner of the old farmhouse, it took about 10 steps, and dropped over dead. In amazement, the preacher asked the farmer "Did you see what happened to that rooster". The farmer replied, "Yep I sure did, their dying faster than we can eat em"
     

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