Prejudiced Friendship?

Discussion in 'Forum for Polls' started by SaggyWoman, Jun 1, 2008.

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Do you have a friend (or have you had a friend) who...

  1. Smokes?

    28 vote(s)
    90.3%
  2. Is gay?

    20 vote(s)
    64.5%
  3. Does drugs?

    15 vote(s)
    48.4%
  4. Is an alcoholic?

    17 vote(s)
    54.8%
  5. A person who is a prostitute?

    2 vote(s)
    6.5%
  6. Lives with someone who they aren't married to?

    26 vote(s)
    83.9%
  7. Been Divorced?

    29 vote(s)
    93.5%
  8. Committed adultery?

    20 vote(s)
    64.5%
  9. Is abusive to his / her spouse?

    6 vote(s)
    19.4%
  10. None of the above

    2 vote(s)
    6.5%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. SaggyWoman

    SaggyWoman
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    Do you have friendships with any of the following?

    Friendship is a step beyond "I know somebody who...".

    Friendship could mean confide in.

    Friendship could mean socialize with.

    Friendship could mean talk to on a regular basis.
     
  2. Joe

    Joe
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    I'm not friends with any Spousal abusers or Prostitutes that I know of.
     
  3. Ed Edwards

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    Did I mention most of these were relatives, not walk-ons?
     
  4. donnA

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    I don't have friends, so I couldn't vote.
     
  5. Ed Edwards

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    Feel free to count me a friend and mark "none of the above". :wavey:
     
  6. Sopranette

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    I guess I couldn't be friends with someone who is breaking the law willfully. Usually, that means there is another victim besides themselves. Doesn't mean I couldn't still feel love and concern for that person, but we just couldn't "hang out" anymore.

    love,

    Sopranette
     
  7. I Am Blessed 24

    I Am Blessed 24
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    Good heavens! You sure made ME feel bad. :(
     
  8. donnA

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    I have online friends, but no friends in my life apart from the internet. No one to talk to on the phone when I need someone or just want to chat, no one to share my life with, run to the store with or go shopping with, no one to share about our home, families, no one to have a regualr freindship with. Just on line people. Some of which I am thankful to have, like Sue.
     
  9. I Am Blessed 24

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    Me too, Donna. I don't know what I would do without my BB friends.

    All of my friends have either died or moved away.

    I miss the days when we used to have coffee together every morning!
     
  10. Crabtownboy

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    Donna and I Am Blessed --- is there no one in your church that could be a friend to chat with, to get together with and have a cup of coffee or tea?
     
  11. donnA

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    I'm having difficulty in church right now. And I have tried friendships in church before and been walked on. The 2 times I had best friends in life they were christians who did whatever they could to hurt me. One even moving away and knowing about it for 6 months and not telling me till 2 days before moving, on accident, she wasn't going to tell me at all. Just move away and me not know where. So I won't be chosing christians as friends again. I won't be chosing to have friends at all.
     
  12. Joe

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    What???! :eek:

    Silly girl, you are full of hot air.

    I am going to get a needle and pop you! :D

    You have friends, especially at church

    Lucky you don't live near me.

    I bet I could get to you to be my friend :smilewinkgrin:
     
  13. Joe

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    That goes for Sue too! :D
     
  14. donnA

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    I do not have friends at church. Not one person has ever in 17 yrs called me for anything other then church business, or has ever wanted to talk with me outside church, ever wanted to do anything friends do. I have had to hear lots of talk about how such and such got together had a great time, cook out, went out someplace, had a great time, music, etc etc. Never has this included me. And believe me I have tird. I'm sick of trying. You don't know what has been going on, and how hurt I've been over it. I don't expect friends, but I do expect christian to act like christians. And they aren't.
     
  15. Joe

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    Donna, I think it is your church. They sound clicky. It's probably good you aren't overly social with the other church people, yet you should have a friend or two.
    Maybe attending a non-denominatonal bible study with other Christians would be a good idea? We have BSF here. Then you can freely become close friends with other Christians.

    Like you, I won't become good friends with anyone at church. That is a HUGE risk, imo. But you need to have a few friends at church. It's not you,imo. Churches are more difficult than other places to develop friendships. In my experience, a church person really thinks deeply about what is said. In church, one has to watch their words so closely.

    I am told I "talk rough" or "are too rough". Or "I am wild" but as they get to know me, they are usually surprised how conservative I am. My Pastor tells me this but he won't elaborate enough for me to understand what he means.

    I like to know who my friends are. Spend time with people who actually like me. If they don't care for me, then we don't need to make an effort to fake it. Or spend too much time together. Life is short.

    People who get too close with each other often fight. Then they run to the Pastor to try to fix it. Sometimes it's best to keep your friends identities hidden.

    Generally, I won't say who my friends are-At church, socially or on the BB. Then it doesn't open the door to gossip. Unless there is a sickness, then I want to know what others know about it.


    I invite everyone to go places such as a walk, hike or sometimes to our house. We are suppose to watch, make sure everyone has a friend or two at church. If not, then we sit with them in church. I invited someone to a Bible study which begins on Wednesday nights at church, and lasts only an hour. Don't know if he is coming yet. There are many friendly people at our church, it's great. I like 99% of them.

    If I don't like someone, my Pastor says I can be pretty curt. If he tells me to be nice to them, I will.

    I have pm'd you to ask you something( twice) that I can recall. You respond but you haven't pm'd me first, not that you need to. So technically, I had to pester you to get you to talk to me :laugh:
    Yet it sounds like your church members should be taught how to be friendly to others. Some people don't know how, or are shy.

    Are you shy? Or maybe too picky about who can be your friend
     
    #15 Joe, Jun 2, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2008
  16. donnA

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    Not shy per say, just tired of constant rejection.
    I try not to pm someone first unless I really need too. I used to, but when no one wanted to communicate with me I quit trying. I just no longer trust anyone. Don't take it personal, I almost never initiate the first chat with anyone.
    I don't know about picky, maybe. But then no one has wanted to be friends either.
    I'm just not interested in furture tries at any kind of friendship. People are nto nice.
     
  17. Baptist Believer

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    About 10 years ago I would have been in the same place both of you seem to be now. But look back at what you wrote... Does that sound like a nurturing body of Christ to you? It sounds like you are part of a church culture that looks for opportunities to condemn and reject instead of a place where committed followers of Jesus are submitting to one another in love and looking for opportunities to help each other grow in grace.

    I’ve been in a lot of “conservative” churches (including a couple of “fundamental” ones) and I’ve experienced a lot of meanness. It is strange to me that, in my experience, those who insist the most that they “believe the Bible” tend to be the meanest people I have ever met, always looking for an opportunity to condemn or put someone in “their place.” You can also see that demonstrated here on BaptistBoard every day.

    For the longest time, I resisted joining the church I am a member of now (12 years this month) because I had heard how “liberal” they were. While there are a few members who I believe are flaky liberal, most people are rather conservative... they’re just not mad about it or looking for reasons to condemn others. I’ve found a body of Christ that doesn’t always agree (we have a diversity of opinions), but we agree that dedication to Christ is our focus and love is His command for us toward each other. Because of this love and commitment to each other and Christ, there is plenty of room for honesty, hard questions, and true biblical fellowship.
     
  18. donnA

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    This is exactly what it is. And we've looked for another church, but there aren't a lot near by and we can't afford to travel to a church, especially since we would like to be able to go 2 or 3 times a week, not just once, and be involved meaning more trips to church.
    We seem to be having trouble getting a class with good sound biblical teachings. Not just differences of opinion like we encounter here on the bb. A teacher recently told my husband and me that bible study was a waste of time. His class does not use a quarterly, he googles his book and chapter and reads whatever comes up and copy and paste what sounds good without comparing it to scripture. You can tell it comes from multiple sources because it contradicts frequently. Last time we were in his class there was no scripture used at all.
    Not to mention other problems there.
    So I'm feeling quite lost.
     
  19. Amy.G

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    I know what you mean about friendship, Donna. When you've been treated badly enough, you want to give up. Been there, done that. Right now, I am so busy with my family that I don't have the time or the energy to seek a close friendship. Although I have friends at church, they are not people I hang out with outside of church.
    It does sound like you need to look for a new church. Aside from the clique problems you described, the lack of sound teaching is really something to be concerned about.
    We changed churches about 2 years ago from a large church to a small one. I have to say, I really like the smallness (is that a word? :laugh: ) of it better than the other church. We have been able to get to know people on a more personal level.

    Stay in prayer. God will give you an answer. :praying:
     
  20. Joe

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    You make alot of sense. Just my thoughts here, not saying I am correct.

    "Nurturing" is a pretty intimate word, imo. But maybe the Bible teaches it.

    Once you start nurturing others, then you open yourself up to the need to answer personal questions about yourself. When you become that close with someone, it really is quite risky. Most of the time people can't handle what they learn, even if it is candy coated. They get really weird, or worse, they gossip to another about what they learned. Then hold it against you, what they ought not to know in the first place. That is really the biggest problem I have seen. In my secular world, when you gossip about others intimate lives, they will ignore it. Ignore what the gossiper said, and consider the gossiper an unsafe person of no credibility. They are grown ups.

    I believe when church members become too enmeshed with each other, it causes churches to split. Gossip abounds...It is easier for members and church leadership if everyone keeps one another at arm's length imo. Not saying you can't be friends, but you need to stay guarded at all times.

    This doesn't apply if you have a more traditional background and choose to view the world with rosy glasses. This is why those types are usually in charge. Except maybe in the kids/youth departments where they want someone more worldly. Because these types don't do well in those departments.

    I work with these kinds at times, and it seems to work out great. But we differ in our thinking. I am not sure what they think of me. I think they like me because they send me emails but I'll never know. Those kind think they are doing God's will by "pretending" to like people. I can't decide whether they are saved or not, but they seem alright.

    To nurture, you have to be emotionally open in your own life in order to help someone in that manner. People get hurt that way. For whatever reason, church people want to know all about your history. This is something I can't understand. Why they need a testimony, and are so intrusive. If you close down on them, answer with very few words, it doesn't work. They may feel rejected sensing you really don't want to answer. I would hate to hurt anyone's feelings when they mean well. And if it's in a group setting, like a Bible study, it's embarrassing. IF your background is more traditional, then it's all good. No problem. You're answering what is acceptable, and what they want to hear. Otherwise, you are placed on the spot.

    I have close friends whom waited a year or more before asking me simple questions about my parents, life some years ago, etc...We joked around for years, kept it fairly superficial until enough time passed that it seemed we found one another trustable.

    Those liberal churches you refer to are pretty much the regular people of the world. So they seem to know when it is appropriate to ask someone about certain things. Their Bible studies don't have as intrusive questions, they respect your privacy much better. In fact, they can almost sense when you feel put on the spot. If you stumble in answering, they quickly get the cue and give you an out. Maybe they answer their own question. They aren't testing you to see if you are good enough to be a member at their church.

    Like you mentioned, they are less judgemental.

    Traditional churches don't seem to have these kinds of church members. In fact, the members seem so sheltered, it's sometimes hard to converse with them about some subjects. I don't think they understand life as well. Actually, it's kinda refreshing. But I am more comfortable in my traditional church.

    Or you get the opposite extreme. Men who call ladies "harlots" due to their dress attire because they themselves have been around the block. They deem everything as "sin" maybe because they are still struggling themselves.

    I prefer those more liberal churches regarding social dynamics except imo, they usually do not get deep enough into the bible for me. They "generalize" the bible to the point that they don't teach it properly. Not saying the church members aren't saved by their teachings, but it isn't quite deep enough for me. So I belong to a Traditional church.
    Not all "liberal" churches are this way, of course. And I am far far from perfect. Probably guilty of everthing I am complaining about here.

    A few of my friends attend more liberal churches. They are regular people which is nice. No need to be guarded around them.
     
    #20 Joe, Jun 2, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2008

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