question for pastors only

Discussion in 'Pastoral Ministries' started by abcgrad94, Jan 11, 2009.

  1. abcgrad94

    abcgrad94
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    I know someone in this situation, who isn't sure what to do. I thought I'd ask you guys for some input before giving advice.

    Say you believe God wants you in your current church, and you and your wife both felt that God led you there a few years ago. Your wife knows you are best while pastoring, but she absolutely hates the current situation. She doesn't fit in at church, hates the town, hates the current living arrangements, feels completely unaccepted in the whole area and wants out. She loves God but is tired of being hurt and lonely and would rather be in another church. It's gotten to the point that she rarely leaves the house, and is fighting severe depression.

    Would you want to know her true feelings? Would it discourage you? Would you make a change based on her wellbeing, or would it cause friction in your marriage. Would it make a difference if the children (if any) were also unhappy?
     
  2. abcgrad94

    abcgrad94
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    By the way, I forgot to add that this family is another denomination besides baptist. I think maybe Church of God or apostolic. I don't know if that makes a difference.
     
  3. tinytim

    tinytim
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    Yes the wife should let her husband know...

    I have experienced that when God moves a pastor, he does it to not only affect the church he is going into.. but also his family...

    For instance, when we moved here, it helped my oldest son in school. (my youngest as well)

    God cares enough about his ministers that when HE moves his men around, HE sees to it that it will also better the man's family.

    God may be speaking to this woman in order to get the man's attention also...

    My wife feels the calls from God also.
     
  4. Carolina Baptist

    Carolina Baptist
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    I am only an associate pastor and am very new at it, so this comes with little experience. But I know that I wouldn't be able to minister to a church and exclude my wife. If home has problems then the ministry will suffer greatly.

    Finally:
    Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. Ephesians 5:25

     
    #4 Carolina Baptist, Jan 11, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 11, 2009
  5. gb93433

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    Many a man who was accepted to theological school and decided to pastor was met with a girl friend or fiancé that left him standing alone. Many a man received a divorce upon graduation from seminary. Many a man found out later that his wife hates being a pastor’s wife.

    I would suggest that his wife is in rebellion to God and in submission to her own husband. She has a false God of the prosperity gospel and the idea that in this world we will have pain. Jesus was denied by his own follower—Peter three times. If she wants a life without pain then she will continue to have a false idea of what the Christian life is all about and what faces those who walk with God.
     
  6. Tom Bryant

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    GB,
    Not sure where you got that "many" from... Would love to see your research. Of course, I also wonder how you discerned the false gods and rebellion in her life from just a few paragraphs.

    BTOP:
    I would want to know if my wife wasn't happy. If she felt like it was the call of God to go there, would also want to know what and when she changed her mind. I'd also want to know if she feels like a church widow because her husband is away so much. These are not accusations, but info that would be needed to make any infomed kind of counsel.
     
  7. gb93433

    gb93433
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    I probably should have used the same word some.

    Obviously she does not support her husband and makes claims that he does well. She just does not want any part of it. I do not know what else you would call her lack of support for her husband. What else would you call a woman who does not submit herself to her husband?
     
  8. gb93433

    gb93433
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    I know a woman who did not like her husband pastoring the large church he did but she supported her husband anyway. She is glad that he is now retired. Her ministry was more personal focused and did not like feeling in the spotlight. She told me and my wife that she never liked being in front as he did. The difference is that she suported him and did whatever she could to help him be successful. Today they are in ministry together and she enjoys what they are doing. She did tell us how much she learned during that time though and how it was good for her.

    There is a huge difference between doing nothing to help her husband do well and simply not being her "cup of tea." In essence by doing nothing she is helping her husband fail.
     
  9. pocadots1990

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    It's not a question of whether she submitting to her husband or not. Ministry is a calling for both the husband and wife. Even though the wife is not the pastor, she is just as part of the ministry as the husband.

    I would suggest the she sit down and talk with her husband about how she is feeling. God ordained the home before he ordained the church. And think of this, his wife is a member of his flock. So he needs to care for her as well.

    The husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church and gave himself for it. The husband is showing her love by listening to her and it will make the marriage stronger. By the way, Ed Young said this one time "It is harder for the husband to love his wife than for the wife to submit to the husband."

    After the two have talked, they need to pray together about God's direction. The Bible talks about serving in the ministry willingly and not by constraint.
     
  10. dh1948

    dh1948
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    I would not say that the wife is rebellious toward God or her husband. I would suggest that she tell her husband her feelings, if she has not already done so. I don't see how her husband can be an effective pastor in that church knowing that she is so miserable. I couldn't. I would want my wife to be as excited as me about the church where we serve.

    Here's an idea....Maybe the husband should find a mature, spiritual, godly woman in the church with whom his wife could talk and express her feelings. She could possibly help this wife to deal with some of her issues and resolve them.

    Guys, our wives are so fragile. We should be willing to go the extra mile with them just as we would anyone else in our congregation.

    My two-cents.
     
  11. gb93433

    gb93433
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    I think it is an issue of her submission to him. I see no place in scripture where her submission is conditioned on whether or not she feels like it. Saying that though he would be foolish to attempt to go it alone.

    It sounds like he already knows how she feels. I would agree that she should come first and the church would be wise to encourage that.

    Seems to me that it would be wise for an older pastor's wife to come alongside of her to encourage her.

    Some churches do not expect much of a pastor's wife while others are very demanding.
     
  12. John of Japan

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    IMO, there is really not enough information here to advise much. But I do see one thing. This man needs to get things figured out in his marriage before doing anything else. If that means resigning from that church and going elsewhere so be it.

    Here's the deal. As Carolina Baptist reminded us, God told us to love our wives as Christ loves the church. That is a completely sacrificial, unselfish love. Now that is a direct command from God. Most of the time when the Bible uses the term "will of God" it means following the commands of God that we already know about rather than our own individual leading about places and professions.

    To apply this truth in this case, the pastor can be mistaken about his subjective, personal will of God, but never about God's moral will, commanded in the Bible. He has no Biblical command to be at that church beyond today (James 4:13-15). However, he does have a command to love his wife as Christ loved the church. So he'd better get that marriage straightened out or he is disobeying God.

    I heard once that a seminary student asked his prof, "Can you love your wife too much?" The prof replied, "Have you died for her yet as Christ died for the church." Of course the student had to admit he had not. "Then you don't love her enough yet," said the prof.
     
  13. Jim1999

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    One will have enough opposition in ministry without having the homefront tainted from the beginning.

    Cheers,

    Jim
     
  14. Fox

    Fox
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    I'm not trying to be argumentative but where is the Bible does it say a woman or wife is called?
     
  15. sag38

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    And, where does it say she isn't? Common sense would be that if God calls the man then that call extends to his wife as well. Why would God call a man and not his wife?
     
  16. abcgrad94

    abcgrad94
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    Thanks for your advice. I will pass it on to my friend. Mods, could you please close this thread now before it becomes a dabate?
     
  17. Fox

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    Eph 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
    Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

    That's why it is so important to have things in the right perspective at home.

    Gen 12:1 Now the LORD had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:
    Gen 12:2 And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:
    Gen 12:3 And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.
    Gen 12:4 So Abram departed, as the LORD had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram [was] seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran.
    Gen 12:5 And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came.

    You will not find anywhere in the Bible where God "calls" the wife. She is to follow her husband. That is why it is so important HE does the right thing....and get's the right girl.
     
  18. PilgrimPastor

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    At my last parish, my wife and I were in this very situation. I was compelled by a love for God, the minstry, and the people I served to a place where I wanted not to listen to her concerns for a short time, but God spoke to me about the situation. I had some struggles with the unhealthiness of this certain community and church, but it really affected her even more than me. The church showed me much more respect than they did her and some members were very disrespectful to my family in a neglegent way; caring poorly for the parsonage, paying me late, allowing our health insurance to lapse for late payment while my wife was pregnant... this was the worst church experience ever...

    I would absolutely want to know her true feelings. These situation can tear a marriage apart, rip at the family, and destory ministries. I have lived through having to choose to place my family first over the ministry and it is the best choice I have ever made. In putting them first and leaving that church God blessed abundantly with the best situation I could have ever hoped for and my ministry has grown in ways I could not have imagined.

    Her feelings bothered me at first as I was slow to see things for just how bad they were but it didn't take long for me to realize how hard staying would have been on her and me in the long run. A pastor's first call is to his wife and family; and that is not just a nice thing to say as a pastor; you really need to live that way.

    If it is hurting the children then a change MUST be made. I can bear some burdens for God, my wife, so long as she is a willing participant, can bear some burdens, but our children should never be made to suffer for the sake of the preferences of church members views of how they should be or any other factor associated with the ministry. If a church family us unsupportive of their pastor's family then he should move on. It is that simple.

    AGAIN, I am speaking from expereince. I have an autistic child. My church loves him, loves us, offeres real support in tangible and emotional and spiritual ways. If that were not the case, as at my previous church, then I would have a responsability as a father FIRST to place his needs FIRST. The same would apply if we lived in an area where the therapy services he needs to thrive were not available.

    God - Family - then Church is not just a nice thing to pretend to beleive as a pastor; it is what God expects from us. Our vocation in ministry takes a second place to our vocation as parents and spouses. If we put Him and our family first then and only then will God bless the minsitry, the trouble for a lot of us that we live out of fear of the unknown future rather than out of the fear of God.

    I would be willing to help in any way I can if you want to PM me or email me go right ahead; my website is in my signature.
     
    #18 PilgrimPastor, Jan 13, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2009
  19. annsni

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    If the two are one flesh, doesn't it make sense that the wife is called along with her husband? Did God not call Abraham and at the same time, Sarah was part of that call? What if she said "No, I'm not going - God didn't call me to that." Where would we be? A very different place I'd say.
     
  20. tinytim

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    too late...
     

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