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Relationship with ex-husband - need Godly advice, please

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by Polarbear, Nov 15, 2016.

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  1. Polarbear

    Polarbear New Member

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    I'll try to make this as short and concise as possible.

    My ex-husband and I were married after I became pregnant out of wedlock. I was saved already, he was not. After years of emotional affairs and an ongoing addiction to pornography, both on his part, we divorced. After the divorce, he was saved. Neither of us has remarried, or even seriously dated anyone in the ten years we've been apart. We have children so we have to communicate with each other. Almost two years ago he mentioned us "hanging out and seeing where things" went and if God wanted us to reconcile. I prayed, researched, and felt I had God's confirmation that we were doing His Will. This has been a hard time emotionally for me because I have lingering issues from the cruel things said to me during our marriage, being compared to other women, having other women chosen over me, and on and on. I do, however, still have feelings for him. He, on the other hand, has no feelings for me other than those of friendship. He has said things to me recently about my weight, hair, personality, and other things that he saw as criticism with the hopes of changing me into what he wanted. I have accepted his faults and don't use them as reasons not to be with him. I honestly feel he is only making an effort because he thinks it is what is Biblical and that makes me even more insecure. To him, I should be happy that he wants to do what God wants him to do and basically not care that he really doesn't want to be with me, that he is being forced into the situation.

    I say all that to ask - what should I do? Am I bound to him forever or is he free to go on about his life, free of guilt and obligation to be with me? Or would God have me continue in a situation where I believe things about myself that directly contridict what His Word says about me in order for our marriage to be restored?

    Thank you in advance.
    God Bless
     
    #1 Polarbear, Nov 15, 2016
  2. Salty

    Salty 20,000 Posts Club
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    It looks like you are looking in the right direction. However, I would suggest counseling with a solid Christian counselor.- And take it very slow. Do not rush into anything.
     
    #2 Salty, Nov 15, 2016
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  3. annsni

    annsni Well-Known Member
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    To be honest, I'd say that it is probably best to not pursue a relationship with him other than him being the father of your children. He is already speaking negatively of you and yet he is wanting to get back together? And then he's blaming God for this? I'm sorry but there are red flags here and I think it best for you two to stay separated. Maybe in the future things will change but right now from what you told me, he hasn't changed and he still will be emotionally unavailable to you and verbally and emotionally abusive.
     
    #3 annsni, Nov 15, 2016
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  4. Judith

    Judith Well-Known Member
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    Keep in mind my answer is based on a one sided conversation. He really needs to weigh in also. That being said what you are describing would not be a biblical marriage. His duty is to love the wife as Christ loved the church giving Himself up for her. You would need to be in submission to him even as unto the Lord. It does not sound like a good situation.
    Unless he can show some affection and biblical accounting as the head giving himself up and you can show willingness to submit I would run from that relationship at least at this time. That does not mean that down the road things could not change. Bottom line to me it sounds like neither of you are ready for a biblical marriage. You both might seek some biblical counselling.
     
    #4 Judith, Nov 16, 2016
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  5. The Biblicist

    The Biblicist Well-Known Member
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    Judith I really feel your hurt and struggle and I think you want to do what is right before God. It is obvious that he has not yet learned unconditional love and yet his conscience is convicting him that he needs to do what is right before God with regard to you. I think Salty's advice is spot on. Don't close the door because you both have children that need a father and a mother that love them and a stable home. God's grace can do amazing things. He is saved and that makes him personally accountable to God and that is a plus for you. True marriage is a THREESOME (husband wife, God) or else it does not work. Prayerfully love him unconditionally and be the example of that love and let the Holy Spirit use your example to teach him what real love is all about. Real love is not about feelings or circumstances, but it is about committment to do what is right and "longsuffering" is part and parcel with it.

    Don't seek just any counselor. Find a godly Bible believing counselor who is committed to marriage as an immutable covenant relationship before God to death do you part (except for actual fornication - not mental fornication). Then ask him to go to counseling with you to see if your relationship can be resolved and then pray and ask everyone you know to pray for both of you.
     
    #5 The Biblicist, Nov 16, 2016
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  6. Jkdbuck76

    Jkdbuck76 Well-Known Member
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    I wouldn't date him. If he has ONLY friend feelings for you, then it won't work.
    A real man will love you and never criticize your looks or your weight---let him be pregnant a few times and see how HE looks!

    Yeah, my wife and I looked pretty slim, trim and young 21 years ago when we met, but we don't go griping about each others looks, hair, etc. We have both lost jobs, our dream house, a child....I've been at her side thru all of her ongoing health issues and she never left my side when I had cancer. If this guy who you had kids with treats you anything less than how Christ treats His church, then keep him in the Friend Zone.

    Sent from my SM-T350 using Tapatalk
     
    #6 Jkdbuck76, Nov 20, 2016
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  7. Yeshua1

    Yeshua1 Well-Known Member
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    Agreed, as he needs to be coming at this showing that he has really had a life change!
    If he is now really saved, he should want to pursue the reconcilation and coming back togetherr, as that is Biblical, but until he demonstratess a real change of heart and in actions, just wait upon the Lord, and really wait to see God change him to show is right to remarry again...
     
    #7 Yeshua1, Nov 21, 2016
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  8. Aaron

    Aaron Member
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    I can't say anything about your ex husband, because I only know what you've said about him, not how he really is.

    You have presented him as the offender in all this, as if you have been the perfect wife and guiltless, but that can't be the case having engaged in porneia yourself and then guilting him into a marriage as if that makes everything right.

    So my questions are for you.

    Why should he court and marry you? Besides the kids, and, no, that's NOT enough reason. How will you be an helpmate for him? Do you keep yourself clean and well-groomed, and do you keep a clean and well-ordered home or do you spend your time on the couch snacking and watching Netflix? Are you gentle, loving and kind, or do you yap at the kids, nag and manipulate?

    As far as faith is concerned . . . it sounds like you need some work there, too.

    Basically, do you strive to the standards of Proverbs 31, or are all the demands upon him to walk on water?

    Needs to be asked.

     
    #8 Aaron, Nov 22, 2016
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  9. Polarbear

    Polarbear New Member

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    It was not my intent to make him out to be the offender, although he will tell you that the divorce was his fault. And, yes, we had sex outside of marriage and I became pregnant. He did not want to use a condom and knew full well I could become pregnant, as did I. I did not guilt him into marriage. That was his idea.

    To answer your questions - I am clean, well-groomed, and have a full-time job on top of taking care of my children and being very active in our church. He doesn't live here and does not help with the kids on a daily, or weekly, basis. I do not have time to sit on the couch snacking and watching Netflix. Do I think my kids deserve a better momma - sure do, because I feel like a failure every day. Most single parents tend to feel that way when they are the single caregiver and have all the responsibilities two parents usually have. I have tried to be a helpmate to him in many, many ways. I am basically his best friend. I am the one he calls when he has a problem, I am the one that encourages him and builds him up. I did not say he should court me. He obviously does not want to do that and I'm not going to "guilt" him into doing something he does not want to do.

    Of course my faith needs work, just like everyone's does. I strive to be who God wants me to be and I fail daily. I do not expect my ex-husband to be perfect or walk on water. All I asked was if we are bound to one another forever based on the circumstances of our situation, which I felt needed to be explained to get an informed answer. I know what the Word says about marriage and divorce, but it is not clear on if one spouse was not saved at the time of the marriage and subsequent divorce.
     
    #9 Polarbear, Nov 22, 2016
  10. Yeshua1

    Yeshua1 Well-Known Member
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    If he was not saved at that time, you are not under any obligation to remarry him unless he demonstrates a real change of heart/lifestyle....
     
    #10 Yeshua1, Nov 23, 2016
  11. Aaron

    Aaron Member
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    Discretion isn't one of your strong suits, is it?

    It took two, though, and it doesn't seem God's word was as much your concern at the time as you say it is now.

    No, you're not bound to him, and he is not bound to you. I think without major changes on both sides a union is ill advised.
     
    #11 Aaron, Nov 29, 2016
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