Relationships

Discussion in 'Youth Forum' started by cheerfreakus, Jul 13, 2003.

  1. cheerfreakus

    cheerfreakus
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    I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now. We are both very committed to Christ. I am from a less conservative Baptist church than he is. He also attends a private Baptist school where as I attend the local public school. His mother is very strict with when and were we are allowed to see each other. We are not allowed to be in a car alone or even to go on a walk alone together. We both have no desire of doing anything that would be against the bible but his mother still will not trust us. He will be 18 in two months and I am already 18. Do you have any advice for my boyfriend and me? Is there a way to get his mother to understand that we just want to be able to get to know each other? We both go to church together on Wednesday night for bible study and then regular Sunday service. When we are there she will not even allow us to sit next to each other. If you can give any help please let me know.
    In Christ Name
    Ashley
     
  2. InTheNameOfLove

    InTheNameOfLove
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    Have you told his mother your honset opinion- that you just want to get to know him? If so, you may want another adult who knows you as a true, honest Christian to speak on your behalf. It may hit home better when coming from someone your boyfriend's mother's age.
     
  3. CubeX

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    Hi, I'm a guy, but I still got an opinion, right? :D

    I'd say, talk with his mother. Let her know you understand her concerns about dating. Also, talk with her and let her know exactly what you want from that relationship. Don't be afraid to talk to her. i you do end up being with each other in the end, she'll be a part of your life officially! Talk to her and be honest with her now. It will really help ya'lls relationship.

    My girlfriend's mom calls me son and I call her mom. We joke around and have a good time. Since my mom lives in another state, my girlfriend talks to her on the phone. As for the mother side of the family, I think it's pretty much covered for me, now as for fathers... :D .

    Well, you get the point. Communication is the key.

    -CubeX
     
  4. kay dee

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    My brother had this same problem with his girlfriends mom. Everytime they went somewhere someone would have to be with them. After a while my brother got tired of it so he just talked to her mom and dad. He told them how he felt and then he asked them for one chance. Her parents gave him one chance and well, he did a good job. Now they are allowed to date all the time.
    Ask his mom for one chance. And then if she gives you that one chance DON'T mess it up.
    Does that help?
    Kay Dee [​IMG]
     
  5. Xingyi Warrior

    Xingyi Warrior
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    A guy thats gonna be 18 in a couple months that lets his mummy get away with that kind of stuff???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I dissagree with the other posters who advise you to go talk to his mother. I think that HE should go and confront her. Sure I know that its tough for parents to let go. But that kind of manipulative behavior is a warning sign that unless HE does something about it then it will not stop and will only get worse as time goes on - either resulting in your breakup, or if you do get even more serious, one really misserable marriage. His mother needs to come to grips with the fact that her baby is growing(already grown) up and he's going to be out on his own very soon. If your relatiionship with him grows into fruition then eventually you two are gonna be having great sex and children. Thats the end result of any successful heterosexual relationship. I think that she should be encouraging you two to be together since you appear to have your heart in the right place. Otherwise the next "sweet little thing" to come his way might not be so modest or even care less about what his mummy thinks. In any case HE needs to take the innitiative and do something about it because if he doesn't then its a sure sign that his been pistol whipped by her and that regardless of your opinions or feelings will let her "wear the pants" in any situation hereafter.
     
  6. UnashamedYouth

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    :rolleyes: at least she lets him date... my parents didn't let me date(not that I wanted to anyway!)

    I say bravo to his mom... you want to get to know him... go to his house, hang out in the living room... getting to know him won't be that bad if his mother is in ear shot(why is it a big deal that you *get to know him alone* ?)

    I think instead of telling his mom how totally unfair she's being... you should WIN her trust by "playing the game". It *wont kill you*. :rolleyes:
     
  7. MissAbbyIFBaptist

    MissAbbyIFBaptist
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    Amen Unashamed!
    Both should have respect for his mom and honor her wishes. She's been there and done that and most likely knows what shes doing. I think a situation must be diffrent to teens than it is an adult.
    Will it be THAT awful to get to know someone around their family? After all if she marries this guy, she becomes part of them too.
    I really am not getting how getting to know him alone is diffrent than doing it when someone is with them.
    And prehaps she's just trying to protect ya'lls testimonies and reputations? Wheither you do something wrong or not, people have this thing within them called the old nature that gives em the desire to sometimes gosip, even if it isn't the truth....beleive me! I've been the recipient of it! Not good! :eek:
    But anyways, I guess in the end folks will do about what they want to do.
    And I may have never dated, but I would sugest getting to know his mom really well. And as odd as it may sound, and as old fashioned as some may think it is, I've gotta side with his mom.
    ~Miss Abby
    Proverbs 31:30 [​IMG]
     
  8. Xingyi Warrior

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    This guy is gonna be a legal adult in a couple of months. If then she lets go and is a little more lenient then fine, but I still say if she is attempting to exercise that kind of control its not normal. Hey they may be great Baptists but I've met with few religeons that don't have their share of wacko extremists. I know cause I've dated one. I'm not advising her to rebel against the mother, just exercise a little caution. I think that based upon the mother's behavioral description as provide by Ashley, that she's being unreasonable. I think the issue here is TRUST. Years ago when I was a martial arts instructor I got a lot of experience in leadership and management. One thing I learned is that humans will generally meet your expectations. If I put down my students and projected to them that I didn't think they could do something, guess what - they never could. However if I demonstrated to them that I had every bit of confidence in them and EXPECTED them to accomplish a task that I had given them, they would all do it without failing. Its a simple equation - if you knowingly or unknowingly puport that you expect someone to fail(negative reinforcement)then they will fail because they are subconciously meeting your expectations. I believe that this is what the mother is doing and it is wrong. Most of the heavy handedness that I have observed in church families concerning their children has backfired with the guys becoming fornicators and/or drug users and girls getting pregnant. Ashley is in a tough situation, one I wouldn't want to find myself in. She is emotionally attatched to the guy and feels that the situation is unfair to her and her boyfriend. My advice to you is talk it over with him whenever you get the chance, maybe only in letters and express your feelings about the situation. And yes, do get to know the mother better as well as the rest of the family. But do so as if you were a secret agent and keep an eye and ear open and evaluate what you observe. It may turn out to be that there is nothing wrong with any of them and this annoyance will pass with time and maturity. But if not and things appear to be heading in the wrong direction, first pray about it seeking Gods guidance. At that point if your beau is still unwilling to think for himself or stand up for the two of you and discuss the situation with them, then I would advise you to think seriously about the future implications. When all is said and done you may have feelings for him but realize that there are lots of eligible men in the world, but only one Ashley. There will be others.
     
  9. Xingyi Warrior

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    I beg to differ with you. I have had a couple of good Christian friends who are now divorced because of meddling, overzealous, control-freak inlaws. In each situation it was the mother who was the main instigator. And in each case the in-laws were Christian people, but would not leave well enough alone and thought they should be able to micro manage every aspect of their childrens lives even well into their late 20's-30's.
    I think that the situation could be better clarified by asking a few questions.

    1. When he turns 18, what are his plans? Does he plan to attend college? If so does his mother approve of him leaving home and living in a dorm or with some other Christian friends? In this case if she is ok with him breaking the ties then she probably also relizes that she will have to lighten up a bit and let go as he will be on his own and able to make decisions regarding his own life. This would probably fall under the "Not while your living in my house" doctrine, which I perfectly understand.

    Some warning signs: Is she is encouraging him not to leave the house and stick around or if he does move out on his own does she still insist that you comform to her behavior while in church or when you come to her house? Also, does the mother seem to "wear the pants" in the family? Thats a sure sign of a control freak. I've known many well meaning Christians who were control freaks. There are two types. One is the person who is motivated by fear. This person does not trust their target manipulatee to make the right decisions on their own and insists that unless they, the manipulator, micro manages every aspect of their target's lives then disaster will ensue. The second type is the most dangerous. This type of person has a genuinly evil personality disorder and gets satisfaction from manipulating every aspect of their target's lives and, through them, the lives of everyone in close association with them as much as possible. I've seen both types in churches and both are in opposition to the teachings in God's word.
    Also, if and when your boyfriend does get out on his own does he still feel bound to behave in the manner approved by his mother? Can he make logical decisions for himself? If the mother is a genuine control freak she might be able to be quelled by a simple confrontation regarding the unreasonable demands, as she may not even realize that, in perspective, her demands are unreasonable. If the father is not a whimp and controlled as well, maybe you could seek help through him. Mom may weild a considerable amount of power, but the "head of the house" can often work wonders in setting things straight.

    However, if none of these options work then I would suggest getting far away from that situation. If your relationship persists you may find her trying to weild power in every aspect of your relationship to him from wednesday grocery shopping lists and up to and including your sex life. Trust me there is no truer missery than having a situation like this to contend with sans the support of a significant other who refuses, out of servitude or fear of mommy, to support and stand with you. Two close friends of mine, both females and Christians, are now divorced because they were in similar circumstances.
     
  10. Pastor Larry

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    I normally don't come in here but I did today for the first time in months. This topic caught my attention, particularly the comments by Xingyi Warrior. They deserve a biblical response.

    How does a child let his parents get away with anything?? The biblical command is for children to obey their parents for this is right. What you are encouraging is rebellion against God. The son may, with a proper attitude, talk to his parents about it. But he is bound to obey them. To disobey his parents is to disobey God. As long as a child is living at home, they are bound to obey. If they desire to live another way, then let them move out and pay their own way and reap the consequences for it.

    Remember the old saying, "Age ain't nothing but a number." It is usually used to justify relationships between people of vastly different ages. It is rarely applied as it should be, to a situation like this. Adulthood is not determined by age. It is determined by maturity. People who make bad decisions and who encourage bad decisions show a lack of maturity that shows them not yet to be adults. The age of a person is irrelevant to these kinds of issues. The relevant issue is maturity.

    This is a wrong statement. These people did not get divorced because of meddling inlaws. They got divorced because they were unwilling to be obedient to Scripture. Do not blame the sinful choices of people on anything other than sinful choices. When a couple gets divorced it is always the result of sinful choices. In this case you have described, they chose to live sinfully (refusing to leave their father and mother and make a home of their own, refusing to honor their commitment of marriage they made before God, the husband refusing to love his wife as Christ loved the church, the wife refusing to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ, etc.). There are a host of sinful attitudes and actions that bring divorce. When someone blames divorce on wrong things, it is a sure sign of a lack of spiritual maturity and discernment.

    My purpose in responding here is to encourage the youth to follow biblical principles. Do not allow yourself to be influenced by those who would suggest an unbiblical pattern of living or thinking.
     
  11. stubbornkelly

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    Personally, I think the situation is extreme. Sure, no dating couple needs to spend every moment alone together, but privacy in a developing relationship, while not of prime importance, should be honored. It's not that you can't "get to know each other" in the living room (I mean, you do already know each other, else you wouldn't be a couple, right?), but spending time together in different environments, as people, not as children, is important. Not allowing the two of you to ride to church togther, or sit next to each other during services? That's just silly. I also see the situation as one that could get bad for you later. For a mother to need that tight a rein on her child, well . . . there's a problem there. You raise children so they can make their own decisions, it's essential to allow them increasing amounts of autonomy as they grow so that when they do leave the house, they will be independent adults.


    That said -- you have two choices. Stay with the guy and deal with his mother's rules, or break up with him. I would be wary of the mother thing myself, and would carefully consider their relationship before I made any commitments past casual dating. Not just because she would eventually be family, but because of the impact she has and has had on her son. I wonder how mature and responsible he could possibly be under the circumstances.

    But as far as complaining to his mother? Don't do it. It won't help, and could make it worse. Either deal with it or don't.
     
  12. Xingyi Warrior

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    I don't honestly see the problem here Pastor Larry? You obviously have some emotional baggage in this area. No where in my post did I encourage rebellion.I believe that I said if the kid is living under his parent's roof then he is subject to their rules and that I understood that. I believe that stubbornkelly summed it up with one word - EXTREME. When you observe phenomena in any dataset that does not adhere to the norm then that phenomena raises questions. Lets say that your local church, perhaps the one you pastor, is a geographically defined area that is of interest. The church congregation is your population of data. I will ask you the question "Is the behavior of the mother in relation to her son considering his age the norm?" If not, is it even representative of a signifigant number in the poulation? In laymans (no pun intended) terms, do a signifigant number of families treat their children likwise? In your church? In others? If not, and I suspect that that is the case, then it is behavior that is not the norm in its relative population. Now as a scientist you have to look closely at this aberrant phenomena. Is it harmless? Is it a mistake (experimental error) or could your perspective of the situation be the problem? In any case there are QUESTIONS. Many of which I have already raised and will not reiterate.+

    Yes and I cannot count the number of individuals who had a maturity handicap that was a result of them never being trusted with any responsibility.People who show themselves responsible must first be trusted with some reponsibility. My earlier observations about setting goals for people are not only based upon my experience but also supported by much empirical research in behavioral psychology, and I might add the bible. Remember the servant in the parable of the talents who was wicked? Well he was shown to be wicked AFTER given the responsibility and failing to achieve the expected results. Has this happened in Ashley's boyfriends situation? We dont know therefore neither of us has enough information to make any inferences. Leave it at that.
    Ok, let me rephrase myself. The sinful attitude of the meddling mother-in-law and her not adhering to scriptural teachings about such matters, and her son's unwillingness to "leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife" (mostly brought on by the fact that he has an emotional problem fostered by a dissfunctional home life in the first place) brought about the misserable, unbearable situation that caused both of my friends to file for divorce. You are HAIR SPLITTING Pastor Larry. ANd I will ask, based upon the situation described by Ashley, could the behavior be a symptom of just this type of situation? Try again.
     
  13. Xingyi Warrior

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    I thought that I might add this as well. According to our law age IS relevent to this kind of situation. Regardless of how you feel about a person's level of maturity the law says that they are adults and out of the legal control of their parents at age 18 (in my state anyway). Now if they stay at home and agree to a set of rules set forth by their parents then they are morally bound to them as long as they are there but not legally bound. I assume as a Christian that you believe in adhering to the law. Am I correct? Our law states that person can make decisions good or bad without the consent of their parents at that age. So if at age 18 he goes against the wishes of his parents on such matters providing he's out of the house is he sinning?
     
  14. Pastor Larry

    Pastor Larry
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    There did not appear to much of a biblical answer in the things that you gave. The mother may well be out of the norm, meddling, over protective, or whatever. My point is that that is not the child's decision to make. The child has one decision: Obey. That is biblical. There may be opportunity for a child to discuss things in a proper spirit with their parents and seek for some sort of accommodation. But in the end, the parents are the authority. And if there are friends who want to hang around (girls or guys), then those friends must respect the parents wishes. Personally, I would be wary of getting involved in that situation as a girlfriend or boyfriend. Emotional immaturity can be created by a number of different cases, including lack of responsibility. But the parents are the parents and they have the authority.

    As far as age, I am not concerned with legal issues. I am concerned with greater things. If a child is living at home, then they are under the rules of their parents. If they don't like it, then move out.

    My point goes to the bigger biblical issue of the parent child relationship. Children are to obey their parents in all things for this is right (Col 3; Eph 4; Proverbs; etc). If someone else's parents do it differently, that is up to their parents. But when a person lives at home, God's authority is their parents.
     
  15. Xingyi Warrior

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    Again, there is no dissagreement between you and I on this issue.

    I don't always quote scripture when giving advice. My views are based upon my rational knowledge that is in turn based upon my knowledge and beliefs as a Christian for the past 25 years. All biblical teaching is based on rational knowledge - look deeper than just a percieved theological coating.

    I'm glad we both finally agree that this is a possibility which was the original intent of my posting.

    There seems to be a lot of agreement going on at this point. If you look at the end result of your posts and mine it is apparent that they aren't too far apart. Ashley (cheerfreakus) originally posted seeking some help in the form of advice and I gave her some based upon my experiences and maturity which I still contend is sound advice. She is a legal adult who is currently dating someone who is not but soon will be. My response to your posts is because you blatanty missrepresented mine and then went a step further in labling me as someone with " a lack of spiritual maturity and discernment". You don't know a whole lot about me as I do not about yourself and as such I will not derive character assessments based on the faceless content of a couple of posts on an internet forum. You did in my case and I simply demanded that you show me as such with logical reasoning if you intend to purport this image to other posters.
     
  16. Pastor Larry

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    My comments were based on that fact that your initial post appeared to undermine parental authority and excuse sinful choices of people. For a group of young people, they need to be shown that such approaches are not satisfactory ways to handle personal problems. Your responses, as they appeared, did not show an encouragement to this girl to encourage the guy to abide by his parent's guidelines. That shows, to me, a lack of spiritual guidelines. If that offends you, then I am sorry. You are right that I don't know a whole lot about you. What your post communicated concerned me. Young people today have many influences encouraging them to participate in sinful behavior. They need to be taught otherwise.

    As for the Bible and rationality, the Bible is not based on rationality; rationality is based on the Bible. Truth, like Scripture, originates from God. Anything that is true is stems from that relationships.
     
  17. Xingyi Warrior

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    Appeared to undermine parental authority? How so? Are you even reading the post? Or are you just reading your own personal hang-ups into it. At this point, Pastor Larry, you are seriously begging the question. Ashley is a LEGAL ADULT who can make decisions on her own. The problem is that she has become emotionally involved with a minor, who although will soon be an adult, is under the control of what appears to be an overcontrolling mother. Absolutely, as long as she's dating a minor she has to abide by these rules set forth. We have already discussed that part. What I was advising her to do was to probe the situation a bit in an attempt to determine the real motives behind the behavior, which you and I both already agree appears to be abnormal. Why? Because after 5 months of dating this guy she could be very emotionally attatched and bigger things could develop as a result of this committment. If it turns out that the mother is an obsseive control freak - theres gonna be trouble in river city - count on it. Better to recognize it and deal with it now than later. I dont have a problem as a Christian with advising someone to have a long chat about this with their significant other, especially after he turns 18 and by law is a legal adult and can make decisions on his own. If he appears to be hesitant against taking some innitiative in his life or mommy seems to be unwilling to ease up on the reins a bit I suggest that Ashley start making plans to steer her life into other venues. It could be that the mother is an obsessive freak, or not. It could be that her son is truly immature and not ready for these influences to manifest in his life. In either case is it beneficial for young adult want to pursue a relationship with such a person? You'll never know if you go in with blinders on, will you?
     
  18. Guitar25

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    I wish there was something that i could say to help but i have never actually had a serious relationship. Sry.
     
  19. Kayla

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    me too. guitar. me too.
     
  20. eagleswings0408

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    Hi, I am not really in a serious relationship, but I am in some what of one. He is 19 and I am 16. He is allowed to date and I am not. But he totally respects my parents wishes. Do you want to know why... because he is willing to wait. If he truly wants "to get to know you," he should be willing to wait for the right time. If this is what God has planned for you, then He will make a way for it to happen. Whether now or in 10 years, He will make it happen. Just pray that God will lead you in the way that you both should go. Anything could happen! But in the mean time... if you truly love God, respect eachothers parents-- that's why God gave them to us!
     

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