Serious Guidance needed!

Discussion in '2000-02 Archive' started by Nicole, Oct 11, 2001.

  1. Nicole

    Nicole
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    Ok now, This may sound selfish but I am in some serious need for some guidance and encouragement right now! I mentioned in a post a while back about a time a few months ago when my husband was caught engaging in pornography very seriously. It came to light that he had been doing so for the past five years and I guess I was just a bumbling idiot who was blind to it. He went to counseling with Pastor, I forgave, it was difficult but I did. I had a renewed faith in him and hope. He snowed everyone into thinking he really was serious about turning from this. I removed access to the internet from him because this is what he was using and yes, I'll admit I was warned. I was told that even though I had to remove the access, it couold go one of two ways, he could repent and turn from his sin or he could engage in another form of activity to relieve this addiction, perversion, sickness....ok, I;ll stop. Well, as you may have gathered now, he's at it again, only in worse ways now and I am devastated. I know it's wrong for me to be this floored and hurt but I am. I feel like someone has just punched me right in the chest. I can just be reading my bible or sitting quietly and I just start weeping. I'm angry at him, I'm angry at myself, I HATE Satan and his SICK, PERVERTED, TEMPTING LIES! and you know, I haven't voiced this except to God because I'm totally ashamed by it but I think I'm even angry at God for allowing Satan to tempt him like this. You know, He has given Satan permission to do a lot in my life in the past three years. An abusive ex-husband, the death of an unborn baby, brain cancer, lung failure, a baby born 3 months early, and you know, God got me through it all. But I am finding myself at a point of just losing it right now, I feel like I am ready to just give up...I know I can';t but I can't tell you just how tempting it is. I want to enjoy life, yes life with God, but I want him to just let me out of the valley for just a little while. I'm supposed to go with him tonight to meet with the pastor and I'll go, I'll be obediant to God, but I'd be lying if I told you that there were even a fiber in me right now who WANTED to go out of my way to do anything for this man right now. It was bad enough to find out that the night I gave birth to our last son that was 3 months early, my husband was too selfish and too wrapped up in his sin to stay with me and came home instead to sit in front of his computer and do his thing with his pornography for 5 straight hours than to be by my side as I laid in the ICU on Life support in a coma!@!! He didn't even care enough to leave the phone line open so that the hospital could call if something happened with me or my son. But now to find that he's been continuing even after being caught and that he's taken it up a few levels here, AND has the AUDACITY to be walking around here as if HE'S the wounded one..I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know I sound as if I'm whining here...I guess i am, but I'm also asking for your wisdom, your encouragement, your help.
     
  2. Nicole

    Nicole
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    oh yeah..confession here, at one point yesterday I just lost it during his attempts to "justify" why his situation was unique and how his betrayal was good for us, and well, uh, let's just say that an innocent glass of juice was sacrificed. I know, I know, the glass did nothing wrong, but hey, there are casualties during war right? Could anyone happen to give me a reference where throwing a glass against the wall in a childish, self-serving fit of temper is justifiable? Jesus and the table incident isn't nearly the same, so that didn't work and I had to find myself going to this man and seeking HIS forgiveness for my anger I did it....but I DIDN'T LIKE IT!~!!!!! lol
     
  3. Cindy

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    Nicole...oh,Nicole,my heart just goes out to you. I have no words of wisdom. Anything would sound like a cliche right now. All I can tell you is that my heart is hurting just reading about what you have gone through and are going through now. I pray that the Lord will wrap His arms around you and let you know in very specific ways that He's with you. I pray also that you'll be given some happiness and joy to alleviate all the awful stuff.

    In the flesh, Nicole, I would kick that husband of yours from here into kingdom come!
    I'm sorry, but that's just the way I feel.

    I guess I can't say anything else except that, despite the fact that I've never met you, I DO CARE.

    Much love,
    Elizabeth
     
  4. Grace

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    Nicole,
    I can't fully understand, but I can pray. My grandfather is into some pornographic stuff. I found the magazines one day, and things have never been the same. I felt like he let me down. I had always been "his girl" but now I can't even go over to his house without wanting to cry. I don't know what to tell you except, you are in my prayers.
    Grace
     
  5. donnA

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    Nicole,
    First it it ok to be hurt. There is nothing wrong with it. You may feel unforgining at the moment,but with God you can work it out.Forgiveness does not benefit the one being forgiven, but the one doing the forgiving. We choose to forgive, and ask God to help us do it. He(husband) may not deserve it, but you do. You say God has already gotten you through so much, and He won't fail you this time either. The way you are feeling right now is normal. By talking with your pastor you are not doing it just for him, but you too. You need to talk about the way you are feeling. With someone much wiser then I could ever be, no real wisdom here either I guess, just know that I really feel for your situation, and will pray for you. God has not given you up, and He won't either. He is walking right with you. Pray and lean on Him, you can cry all you want to Him, He is your Father and He cares about you, and everything you go through. Sometimes the only prayer we can pray is oh God,oh God,,, it doesn't matter if we can't find words, He knows whats in our heart.

    May God bless you Nicole
     
  6. 4xBlessed

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    Nicole,

    I'm so sad for you right now. I've gone through this several times.

    My husband had a "habit" of looking at pornography when we first started dating. We were living together and it continued. We weren't Christians then, by the way. He bought magazines, videotapes, and when I expressed my hurt he promised he'd stop, and I could destroy the magazine and tapes. He had an enormous stash of magazines at his mother's house that he burnt for me.

    I thought it was over, but then I caught him again. He rented a tape, came home and "watched" it, fell asleep on the couch leaving it in the VCR, and I found it the next morning. I had no idea what it was. I thought it was a children's tape because I had a young daughter at the time. So I hit the play button and right there with my daughter watching, you can just imagine what disgusting things came on the tv. I took the tape and tried to break it, but those things are strong. Instead, I stuffed it in a cheesecake and threw it in the trash. He had to scrounge it out and return it to the video store caked with cheesecake. I was hurt.

    This sort of thing happened several times. Then we got the internet, and it escalated. He would stay up all night looking at this garbage. Then we got saved and I thought for sure that it would end. And it DID get better, but on occasion it would still happen, and I would hurt worse than before.

    As a Christian, he knows it's wrong, and I believe he hasn't done it in over a year. For the first time, he could see my hurt the last time he was caught. I was so mad at him that I painted his monitor screen black.

    I don't really have any advice. Pray for your husband because this is a problem, but he also shouldn't get away with being the "victim".

    Oh, and the last time it happened, I was so furious and hurt by my husband that I didn't speak to him for a week. I just couldn't. I could see how uncomfortable he was around me, and I actually felt sorry for him.

    If you want to talk, let me know. I know how hurtful and devestating this is. How do you ever trust completely again? I don't know if it's possible.

    Lucy
     
  7. Nicole

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    You are so so kind and I can't tell you how much I need to hear the support right now. I haven't been able to speak to him without things becoming too heated especially when he tries to twist scripture to JUSTIFY his adultery, his perversion and all that comes with it. What is driving me mad with frustration is his countenance. He has let me know in every way possible that he has NO REMORSE. Yet, he had the gall to say to me "well, when we meet with pastor, how much do you want to bet that when we walk out of there, he'll say that YOU are unforgiving. I said "I am not unforgiving, there IS a willingness here, no, I'm not there yet, I'm praying God will take me there but look at you, you have no remorse!" He said well, I don't think it is sinful in reality but, the pastor does and I know what he wants to hear me say." He's treating this as something to use to hurt me more. I want to help him, any way I can and now, he's even using that to make me look and feel like an idiot.The sad thing is...he's right. He DOES know the right things to say and he'll do just that. He is very good at putting on this appearance of the rational, righteous man. Me, well, I'm pretty much, what you see is what ya get. If I disagree, I say i do, If I'm mad, people know, if I'm sad, people know. I'm not going to say I agree with something anyone says...even our pastor if I don't. I'll CONSIDER what is being said and think on it, but I WON'T be a hypocrite.
    I didn't even want to get out of bed today. I felt like "what's the use" . Everything seems darker and hopeless and I know that is satan using this but you know, I feel like I haven't had a "cease-fire" in THREE years at least and I feel like I'm slowly running out of ammo!
    Thank you, each one of you for praying for me and for sharing with me and just for making me feel like someone out there cares. Maybe it is "needy" to need that...but I do!
     
  8. Cindy

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    Nicole, my goodness,you have every right to feel "needy" right now! I don't know who has got you somehow believing you are deserving of this kind of grotesque abuse, but there is simply no excuse for it.

    Am I the only one who thinks Nicole's husband needs his posterior kicked from here to Kalamazoo? The more I hear about him the madder I'm getting!

    Nicole...you WILL be in my prayers...forgive me for getting a little hot under the collar on your behalf!

    Elizabeth
     
  9. myreflection26

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    Nicole,

    As I am reading your post, I feel like I am reading about my own life and my own struggles and pain with my husband. On my birthday my husband was more into pornography to even slightly express any appreciation to me or so much as say happy birthday. I was very heavy at that point in my life and my husband was so deeply into pornography that he actually would not have intimacy with me and our relationship was reduced to him telling me how unattractive I was to him and fat and if I would only lose weight that he could find value in me.

    Needless to say, I became a crushed woman, my confidence level was zero and on top of it all the more I went to church and talked to leaders of the church the worse our relationship got till one Wednesday night my husband drove me home from service and when we got out of the car he took off his wedding ring and threw it out in the yard. The devistation I felt was so overwhelming, and I felt helpless the only one I could turn to for ultimate strength was God and God alone.

    You are not in wrong for being angry about this or hurt or anything of the such. Pornography is one of the biggest poisons to destroy families. My husband also stopped porn for a while and then got right back into it and deeper.

    I would like to talk to you furthur on this situation, I've been there and to be honest with you I am still there, it hurts and its hard to fight. Please, please email me, I've gone thru this for a long time now, and I know we could be of help and encouragement to each other on this.

    Father God,

    I bring Nicole to you. Jesus you see thru Nicole to her heart and you feel the pain she is experiencing right now, I pray that you would heal wounds which have been caused from her husband's involvement with pornography. Father, open the line of communication between Nicole and her husband so he can see how much this hurts her and give Nicole grace thru this time in her life. God I pray that when Nicole's husband goes to look at these pictures and videos that you would cause those females to become so ugly to him and unsatisfying but that Nicole would be irresistible in his eyes alone. Jesus, I ask that you give Nicole a godly confidence in herself and that she would feel your love and your perfect peace in her life.

    I ask all of these things in Jesus name...

    AMEN

    You are so much in my prayers Nicole. Stand strong girl...YOUR ARE A MIGHTY WOMAN OF GOD!!

    Sue ;)
     
  10. Brother Adam

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    Reading this thread was a real slap in the face for me...

    I know this is going to sound all too odd coming from a 19 year old kid, but I actually know more about this subject then I would like to.

    Sexual sin is one of the least talked about and hardest to deal with sins. I know this from first hand experience. In fact I'm dealing with it right now. For all the wonderful things the internet can do, there is a dark nasty side to it too that can entangle even the most well meaning Christians.

    I am dealing with pornography myself. And believe me that was no easy thing to admit to you. I don't have a very serious problem with it, but any problem is serious in itself. My eyes now and then do wander to inappropriate pages. I know its wrong, but Satan tends to know our weakest areas. My best friend and myself are prayer partners and I just yesterday started to become accountible to my college teacher.

    Ladies- I can give you know excuse for why we fall into the trap of pornography/lust or other sexual sins. It is temptation and we give in to it. It is not excusable. Period. Nor is it justifable.

    I can though suggest an excellent book for both men and their wives founded on Gospel and scriptural truth for overcoming the problem. It is called "Every Man's Battle".

    Getting this area in line is tough. Very tough. And it isn't as simple as seeing a pastor and promising to never do it again. It isn't as simple as a prayer. Those are necessary- but it also takes daily accountibility. It takes a "cold turkey" approach to beating it, and it takes the harshest most brutal means of extingushing it.

    Nicole, be encouraged in the Lord and stand strong. You have every right to be extremely angry with your husband. He decided to exchange your wedding vows for trash from satan.

    Until Next Post, Adam

    [ October 11, 2001: Message edited by: Barnabas ]
     
  11. Nicole

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    Thank you Sue and I will e-mail you. Adam, I too have read that book and it is wonderful also the book "when good men are tempted" and now i'm ending the book The War within. Everything I read says that it has nothing to do with me physically. I see the words and all but the heart feels different. I've had three kids now. During the pregnancy, I gained 17 pounds. I've lost it all. I'm back to 133 and I'm 5'9"! and yet here I sit feeling like a cow just because I won't dress, act or do the things that these women he seems to be interested in will. The hardest part is knowing that I did the right thing by removing access to the web and yet seeing that becuase of me doing this, now he's gone from "cyber-sex" to "real-time" sex. With anyone and everyone...but his wife. I have NEVER turned him down not once, yet, he turns me down repeatedly. I'll write more in a little bit....I'm on my way to our "meeting" with pastor. Say a prayer
     
  12. Aaron

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    Nicole,

    When a there has been a breach in faith this serious, there is no other recourse at this time than separation until the sin can be overcome and love and trust restored through the power of Jesus' Spirit.

    <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be...covetous...Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person. 1 Corinthians 5:11-13<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Your husband needs your intercession like he has never needed it before. He is in bondage. He is a slave to pornography. I can tell you in all honesty that it controls him quite against his will.

    I am glad for the comforting words of the previous replies. You need that kind of empathy. Isn't it good to know that you are not alone?

    Separate yourself and your children from this defiling situation. Get support. And begin a massive offensive against Satan through prayer and fasting.

    I myself will begin praying and fasting not only for you, but for your husband and others who Satan has snared through lust.
     
  13. Kathy

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    I offer my prayers to you too Nicole, I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. I'm sorry I couldn't offer you more.

    Your sister in Christ,
    Kathy
    &lt;&gt;&lt;
     
  14. 4xBlessed

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    Nicole,

    You're right. He can't justify his actions. He's a married man. It says, and I don't have a Bible in front of me, in Matthew I believe, that looking at another woman with lust in your eyes is committing adultery in your heart. That's one of the biggest reasons it was hurtful to me. I knew that whatever he was looking at, in his mind he was imagining being a part of physically, and it killed me.

    I'm going to continue to pray for you. If you want to talk, email me. If my address isn't listed here, I'll give it to you if you want.

    Lucy
     
  15. myreflection26

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    Nicole,

    Aaron is correct :eek: (has hell frozen over???) hehe I'm just joking with you Aaron.

    Seriously though, your husband is under bondage and it is out of his will and control. When you begin to harm those around you and lie without a care then it is more than sin, its got a hold of you and that bondage needs broken.

    I also very much agree with Aaron on the separation idea. When I was going thru it in the deepest part of on the brink of losing my marriage I made a radical choice and I left. I only left for about a week and a half but that is something I needed to do and in that time I counseled with leaders in my church.

    Nicole, you need to make sure that you and your children are not being abused emotionally, spiritually or physically and if you are you need to get away from it, I'm not talking divorce after all I'm not for divorce in any way which is why I'm still with my husband, but you need to get out of the bad situation so you can get healing.

    Sue
     
  16. Lorelei

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    Nicole,

    I too can sympathize, but I can't tell you what you must do. Only God knows what is best. What I can tell you is to stay in prayer and stay in God's Word and that I will be praying for you.

    I wish I could offer you more, but I don't think it wise for me to offer advice that can effect your life so personally.

    I lift you, your husband and your family up in my prayers. I truly feel for you and you have a right to feel the way you do. Keep talking and keep sharing, keep reaching out for the support you need. We are there even if all we can do is listen!

    *hugs*

    ~Lorelei
     
  17. Nicole

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    Your thoughts and your prayers mean more to me right now than I could ever express verbally.
    We went to the Pastor tonight and for the first hour and a half, I will say I was completely disheartend. I had warned the pastor about how good he was going to be at making the appearance of humility and repentance but once we were there I could see that he had been fooled. I let my husband go on and on making quite an awesome case about how he truly did not know that he was sinning. He even went as far as to say that his understanding of things EVEN from prior counsel with pastor led him to believe that as long as he was not denying me physically when I asked that it was OK for him to partake in these things such as pornography, self-satisfaction, and even if another woman were involved, he stood firm that it was none of my business. I was shocked that the pastor seemed to almost believe that my husband TRULY believed this. He's good, I'll tell you that much. Well, finally after i had been chastised everytime I opened my mouth that "let him speak" I started and was interrupted by both parties each time saying, well, you can't say he's lying you don't know his heart...da da da da da. Finally I just said "look, you asked that I let him speak, please give me the same courtesy" I pulled out a sheet of my husbands own notes from his FIRST meeting with pastor two months ago on this issue. I said to my husband "are you saying that you never discussed or understood that to engage in these activites was wrong?" He said thats right. I said ok, well, these are your notes. (he was quite surprised) I said now, at the top of these notes is a statement that YOU wrote...this is YOUR handwriting here. It says "REJECT ANY SOURCE OF PLEASURE OUTSIDE OF YOUR WIFE" Well, both faces fell. I said Now, your an intelligent man. You have a BA from Northwestern University, I personally financed your education at University of Chicago for your Masters...you HAVE a brain, can you honestly say that YOU did not UNDERSTAND that to engage in sexual activity alone or with this other that you did not know i was NOT PRESENT?" He skirted the issue as much as possible until finally the pastor asked me if I would mind stepping outside. At first, I thought maybe I had crossed some line and was being kicked out of counseling but he said to me directly "Im asking you to step outside, not because you did anything wrong but because I have some things I need to confront him on at the moment" When I came back in the pastor said as much as I want to help there are a couple things here that have to be met first. He said we spoke about honesty, and that isn't there. Neither is humblenss. and finally he said "______(husband's name), you are NOT at a point of brokeness yet. I believe that your wife is correct when she says that you truly are sorry. Sorry you got caught. There is a big difference" He asked him to go home and pray that the Lord would search his heart and point out his deceit and deal with him on each individual area and once that happened that he would come to me with it.
    Well, we left and when we got home he stomped around, saying "I hope your happy now and for the first time in our marriage he was so angry that he actually rared back his fist to punch me. Looking back on it, It doesn't seem like it was even me. I didn't flinch. I stood there and just calmly said "If you lay one finger on me, I will be the last person you ever touch" something in my voice stopped him and told him I meant it. I said "you act shocked that things have come to this point. That there is no trust, no respect, no relenting. But think about things. YOU planted these seeds. The crop is in. You don't like what your having to harvest right now. You can't understand why the harvest is what it is. But you know, if you plant a carrot, you get a carrot. You don't get a grape. YOU planted this seed. You watered it, you nurtured it, now it's time for you to REAP WHAT YOU SOW. But let me just say that I love you, I'm willing to forgive you...no, I'm not there yet, not in my heart, but I cannot and willnot condone this behavior. You have a clear cut choice to make and that is if you want to continue to live here, you must cease what you have been doing. Then, we can work together through this. If you choose to continue in your sin, then I have to ask you to continue somewhere else. You have to leave. Once you are at the point that you are dealing with this, I'm here but I can't do this anymore. You have allowed Satan to take a strong-hold in your life and by doing this...he's in our HOME. He has access to ME, to MY CHILDREN and I will not allow it. He is not welcome here. I needed you when I was diagnosed with brain cancer...for the three years I've battled it, you left me alone...or so you thought. Fortunatly, through your abandonment, I learned to lean on God, he wanted that. But now, you've gone a step further and not only have you left me alone, but now, you've decided to team up with satan AGAINST ME. I can't have it."
    That's exactly how I feel. I feel like in the last 3 yrs. God has allowed satan to attack my health, my heart, my children, my LIFE and now, since he couldn't claim victory in those areas, he's attacked my marriage. And worse yet, my husband is working with him.
    He left me tonight. honestly, I'm devastated. I haven't left up to this point because of my children and my health. I feel defeated. I know satan wants that. I feel like my "get up and go, got up and left"I've stayed because I still have a brain tumor, I'm still having to be on oxygen and I'm still havingg to have blood transfussions every friday. These are all external reasons satan is using to keep me in fear, I know that, but sometimes the heart won't listen. Every family member i have are 1000 miles away. I'm scared. but, the Lord has been faithful so far, he's done so much in my life, I know he wouldn't stop now. I keep telling myself this so why am i sitting here with tears streaming down my face? My stomach feels like I just started myself downward on a HUGE rollercoaster. I'm sick. I am so hurt that his perverted ways are so much more important to him now than even his three precious little boys. How could anyone be this cold!!!!! There's no telling what he's doing now, i shutter to think. I just pray that God seizes his heart...I ask you to pray this too.
     
  18. myreflection26

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    Jesus, I cry out to you in intercession for Nicole, her husband and her children. God be EVERYTHING to Nicole right now as I pray it's 3 am eastern time I pray that you would be in her room while she sleeps tonight, give her intimate peace with you Father.

    Jesus you know exactly what is going on with Nicole's husband, Father I pray that you would bring him to his knees, break him Jesus. He is in so much darkness right now and I ask that you pierce thru that darkness like a sword and let the light of your truth overwhelm him.

    God, all I can think of to pray right now is Grace Grace Grace for Nicole, Jesus I know exactly how she's feeling right now, that feeling in the pit of her stomach but I also know that YOU JESUS can heal that and you can lift her up. Give Nicole a boldness to not let Satan rip her family apart any longer but to stand up to the enemy in Jesus name.....God I ask for protection for her children, that with all the confusion going on around them that they would not be fearful but you would surround them and give them a calmness.

    Jesus I ask all these things in your holy name...amen

    Nicole,

    we really need to talk, I seriously feel as though I'm reading my life when I've read your last two posts and I know the pain, fear, and confusion and anger and tears. It's all too familiar to me, especially when it raised his fists to you.

    PLEASE EMAIL ME

    I'm sooooo praying for you. count on that, my heart is so overwhelmed for you right now I can't even describe what I feel right now.

    I can say that I really believe you made the right choice to "lay the law down", after all you do have the responsibility of your self and your children so I say YOU GO GIRL.

    Sue
     
  19. preacher

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    Nicole;
    I'll just say for right now that I WILL be praying for you, your health, your peace of mind, & your husband. But for him I'll be praying he has no peace, no comfort, no sleep till he repents of this & truly turns to Jesus.
     
  20. Ars

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    It saddens me to see anyone go through such pain. However, the blame should not be placed upon Satan's. In doing so, you give Satan more power than he has. Your husband is the one making the decisions, the choices etc. Satan is not forcing his hand. He doesn't have to. Your husband wants to do it. Don't give Satan a victory in this. He may have your husband's ear, but he isn't the puppet master so many people make him out to be. I don't prescribe to the thought that people do things against their will. Our LORD and SAVIOUR Jesus Christ says:

    For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,
    Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:
    All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.

    Mark 7:21-23

    Notice, it does not say "from Satan", or from "Satan's minions", but from "within".  Temptation and trials are not sin; sin begins with an inner decision. Apart from God's grace, we are liable to each one of these sins. There is something within man that delights in a ceremonial, purely external religion; it allows us to think of ourselves as holy, yet it requires no real change of heart. (Sound familiar?)

    Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity.
    Matthew 23:28

    Nicole, I pray for you in all ways, your ailments and your most recent trial. I also pray for the true salvation of your husband.

    They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.
    Titus 1:16

    Dave
     

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