Ok now, This may sound selfish but I am in some serious need for some guidance and encouragement right now! I mentioned in a post a while back about a time a few months ago when my husband was caught engaging in pornography very seriously. It came to light that he had been doing so for the past five years and I guess I was just a bumbling idiot who was blind to it. He went to counseling with Pastor, I forgave, it was difficult but I did. I had a renewed faith in him and hope. He snowed everyone into thinking he really was serious about turning from this. I removed access to the internet from him because this is what he was using and yes, I'll admit I was warned. I was told that even though I had to remove the access, it couold go one of two ways, he could repent and turn from his sin or he could engage in another form of activity to relieve this addiction, perversion, sickness....ok, I;ll stop. Well, as you may have gathered now, he's at it again, only in worse ways now and I am devastated. I know it's wrong for me to be this floored and hurt but I am. I feel like someone has just punched me right in the chest. I can just be reading my bible or sitting quietly and I just start weeping. I'm angry at him, I'm angry at myself, I HATE Satan and his SICK, PERVERTED, TEMPTING LIES! and you know, I haven't voiced this except to God because I'm totally ashamed by it but I think I'm even angry at God for allowing Satan to tempt him like this. You know, He has given Satan permission to do a lot in my life in the past three years. An abusive ex-husband, the death of an unborn baby, brain cancer, lung failure, a baby born 3 months early, and you know, God got me through it all. But I am finding myself at a point of just losing it right now, I feel like I am ready to just give up...I know I can';t but I can't tell you just how tempting it is. I want to enjoy life, yes life with God, but I want him to just let me out of the valley for just a little while. I'm supposed to go with him tonight to meet with the pastor and I'll go, I'll be obediant to God, but I'd be lying if I told you that there were even a fiber in me right now who WANTED to go out of my way to do anything for this man right now. It was bad enough to find out that the night I gave birth to our last son that was 3 months early, my husband was too selfish and too wrapped up in his sin to stay with me and came home instead to sit in front of his computer and do his thing with his pornography for 5 straight hours than to be by my side as I laid in the ICU on Life support in a coma!@!! He didn't even care enough to leave the phone line open so that the hospital could call if something happened with me or my son. But now to find that he's been continuing even after being caught and that he's taken it up a few levels here, AND has the AUDACITY to be walking around here as if HE'S the wounded one..I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know I sound as if I'm whining here...I guess i am, but I'm also asking for your wisdom, your encouragement, your help.