I’m desperate and looking for answers. My spiritual life is in the toilet. No longer do I feel that connection with God when I first believed, 3 years ago. The Bible no longer inspires me. I haven’t written in my spiritual journal in months. I still pray, all the time, but it’s out of desperation. More like begging really. I have this pain, this is going to sound strange, that I think is my soul. Like my soul is withering, or dying. I’d give anything to make the pain stop. When I was in the military I suffered a neurological injury and I take a lot of medication for it. Lately I’ve been having to take more and more medication. I even saw a psychiatrist to find out if it’s PTSD. It’s not, and they really don’t know what’s wrong. My belief is that it’s my spiritual crisis. Last year I spent 3 months in hospital trying to get things fixed. It just made things worse. I can’t sleep. I toss and turn for hours and feel convicted, even damned. My church attendance has suffered because I toss and turn until 5 and it’s nearly impossible to get up at 0830. Currently I’m on a high dosage of very powerful sleep aids. All it does is put me into a semi-conscious dream state that’s more like getting high. It’s brutal. In my 32 years I have done some pretty awful things. Never killed anyone, but I have lied to get ahead. Stole. Broke peoples trust. Shamed my parents. Brought dishonor upon myself. Cursed God during my darkest days, before I understood that everything happens in His wisdom. Heck, I said some pretty awful things to people I love, and who loved me, in anger. God gave me a woman and child to love and I threw that away. Haven’t seen either in 7 years. I abused the body he gave me with drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. Actually I still smoke cigarettes. 10 quit attempts, countless prayers, and I still can’t break the hold. He gave me opportunity after opportunity, person after person to help me, and I pissed it all away. Pardon my language. Is this my punishment? I’ve spent 3 years carefully examining my life, taking an inventory, and asking forgiveness in Jesus name for every sin I can remember. It’s a lot of sins. I may be at this for a few more years. Am I in danger of going to Hell even though I am saved? Recently, within the last 2 months, I’ve been struggling with the realities of my own mortality. Someday I’m going to die. Fact. Will I die in a painful or humiliating way? Will I die suddenly without a chance to say goodbye? Am I going to die alone? Will I die slowly from disease? These questions haunt me. Answers elude me. A friend suggested I try meditation. Legs crossed, hands resting on my knees. It worked, I had some deep and powerful conversations with God. It went on for a few weeks and then nothing. Like a switch had been flipped. He was there, then He was gone. It was like He abandoned me. It made me feel more alone than ever. It bothers me all day and all night. It’s all I can think about. All I do is seek God. Trying to get him back in my life. I feel more utterly alone than I did before I was saved. Sometimes I think I’d be better off if I never had been saved. Shamelessly I shall beg if you to help me. Please, give me an answer. Please, pray for me. 3 hours "sleep" but I'm going to church.