Spiritual Crisis

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by IdahoSpudster, Sep 15, 2013.

  1. IdahoSpudster

    IdahoSpudster
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    I’m desperate and looking for answers. My spiritual life is in the toilet. No longer do I feel that connection with God when I first believed, 3 years ago. The Bible no longer inspires me. I haven’t written in my spiritual journal in months. I still pray, all the time, but it’s out of desperation. More like begging really. I have this pain, this is going to sound strange, that I think is my soul. Like my soul is withering, or dying. I’d give anything to make the pain stop.

    When I was in the military I suffered a neurological injury and I take a lot of medication for it. Lately I’ve been having to take more and more medication. I even saw a psychiatrist to find out if it’s PTSD. It’s not, and they really don’t know what’s wrong. My belief is that it’s my spiritual crisis. Last year I spent 3 months in hospital trying to get things fixed. It just made things worse. I can’t sleep. I toss and turn for hours and feel convicted, even damned. My church attendance has suffered because I toss and turn until 5 and it’s nearly impossible to get up at 0830. Currently I’m on a high dosage of very powerful sleep aids. All it does is put me into a semi-conscious dream state that’s more like getting high. It’s brutal.

    In my 32 years I have done some pretty awful things. Never killed anyone, but I have lied to get ahead. Stole. Broke peoples trust. Shamed my parents. Brought dishonor upon myself. Cursed God during my darkest days, before I understood that everything happens in His wisdom. Heck, I said some pretty awful things to people I love, and who loved me, in anger. God gave me a woman and child to love and I threw that away. Haven’t seen either in 7 years. I abused the body he gave me with drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. Actually I still smoke cigarettes. 10 quit attempts, countless prayers, and I still can’t break the hold. He gave me opportunity after opportunity, person after person to help me, and I pissed it all away. Pardon my language. Is this my punishment? I’ve spent 3 years carefully examining my life, taking an inventory, and asking forgiveness in Jesus name for every sin I can remember. It’s a lot of sins. I may be at this for a few more years. Am I in danger of going to Hell even though I am saved?

    Recently, within the last 2 months, I’ve been struggling with the realities of my own mortality. Someday I’m going to die. Fact. Will I die in a painful or humiliating way? Will I die suddenly without a chance to say goodbye? Am I going to die alone? Will I die slowly from disease? These questions haunt me. Answers elude me.

    A friend suggested I try meditation. Legs crossed, hands resting on my knees. It worked, I had some deep and powerful conversations with God. It went on for a few weeks and then nothing. Like a switch had been flipped. He was there, then He was gone. It was like He abandoned me. It made me feel more alone than ever.

    It bothers me all day and all night. It’s all I can think about. All I do is seek God. Trying to get him back in my life. I feel more utterly alone than I did before I was saved. Sometimes I think I’d be better off if I never had been saved.

    Shamelessly I shall beg if you to help me. Please, give me an answer. Please, pray for me.

    3 hours "sleep" but I'm going to church.
     
  2. preacher4truth

    preacher4truth
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    Bro,

    Just know that we will pray for you here. Also, get this book, it will help you.
     
  3. Herald

    Herald
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    I am not lessening any of the things you wrote about yourself. I can empathize with sin's results in your life. I have suffered similarly due to my own wanderings from God. But what you wrote in the last sentence of your post is very important.

    First, and this is important to note, God is not out to get you. God does not punish His children. He disciplines them. The pain we experience from God's discipline is to train us to obey Him. Not all of us respond in the same way. Some respond quickly to discipline while others fight it. The more we fight it the more pain we will feel in our life.

    But back to the part of your post that I quoted. No Christian can combat sin on their own. It is impossible. John Donne once wrote, "No man is an island". That aptly describes Christians. We are not islands either. We are part of something larger, the body of Christ. John 5:16 commands us to confess our sins one to another. The ideal place to do that is within the local church. A pastor or group of elders in a Bible believing church is a good place to start. The church is where you will find love, accountability, and discipline. I would seek out the leaders of your church or a Bible believing church in your area if you are not currently a member of one. Any minister of the Gospel worth his salt will be willing to help you in your struggle against sin. This is preferable than trying to do it on your own.
     
    #3 Herald, Sep 15, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 15, 2013
  4. Zaac

    Zaac
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    Welcome IdahoSpudster.

    I think we all go through phases where we feel like we have "lost" or "misplaced" God.

    And going through what you are, it is critical to know that He is still there. I've found that when we feel like God isn't speaking that's when we're really not listening.

    He often says what He needs to say and we don't receive it and so we wonder why He's being silent. He's ofetn silent because He's already given us the answer.

    One of the things that helps when you've lost your spiritual bearings is to go help someone else. There is something about being a servant and blessing others that always seems to take us right back to the foot of the Cross and our connection with Christ.

    Lifting you in prayer!!!:praying:
     
  5. Zaac

    Zaac
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    :thumbsup: Excellent advice.
     
  6. Winman

    Winman
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    I am so sorry to hear of your anguish, everyone here who reads this I am sure will pray for you.

    I would say you need to talk to your pastor, or elders in your church. They have been where you are now, and can give helpful advice.

    Do not despair, God cares for you now MORE than ever.

    Psa 34:18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
    19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

    The Lord is close to those who have a broken and contrite spirit. It may not seem like it, but he is there with you and cares about you. Many are the afflictions of a true born again child of God. Sometimes it is difficult to understand why God allows us to go through trials, but usually it is for our good, though it is difficult to see when you are actually going through such trials. Try and be patient, and trust in God, and he will deliver you.

    Read the Psalms, I have found they are especially helpful when we are going through tough times, and I have known many Christians who said the same. There is something especially comforting about these scriptures that I believe will help you.
     
  7. Mexdeaf

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    Excellent advice above. I can add nothing except my prayers.
     
  8. IdahoSpudster

    IdahoSpudster
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    Thank you all for your advice, support, and prayers. The sermon today was about the inner man, God's man, and making him the outer man. It moved me so much I was choked up. It was like the pastor was speaking to me. I need to bring out my inner man. To help me do that I'm going back to the meditating. It will be difficult with my state of mind. This time I will focus on hearing God instead of talking to God. Pray this works for me.

    To be honest I'm not really close with anyone from this church. Even the pastor. I tend to come in right when the service starts and leave right when it ends. When I get nervous or confused I stutter a little bit. Like when I'm talking in a group of people. I also get fidgety and can't stand still. When I get real nervous I have tics. Talking online is better for me since I can type better than I can talk. This church also likes to lay hands on people and pray for them and I can't stand to have anyone touch me. Goes back to my military experience. The congregation probably thinks I'm a weirdo.

    After church I was reflecting on my life and my rocky road to salvation. If that HMMWV hadn't blown up and I hadn't spent over a year in hospital I wouldn't have met the chaplain that planted the seeds in my heart. While I wasn't ready to accept Him yet, the thought was being formed. Then I wound up homeless and a heroin addict for years. Met a pastor and his wife who took me in when I was one hit away from death. Through their miraculous intervention I finally came to know Christ and get my life back on track. Yeah, it was a rough road with a lot of spiritual, emotional, and physical pain. It was Gods plan for me, I hope He has better things in store for me.

    One thing I hope He has in store for me is my girlfriend. I'd like to lead her to the Lord and baptize her. Maybe we could start a life together. Maybe we could raise a family.

    One of the things I do when I can get a ride (can't drive due to my injuries) is go to the VA home and witness.

    Before any of that can happen I need to find healing in my mind and spirit. I won't live the life of an over medicated zombie. God must have a better plan for me than that. Right?
     
  9. Scarlett O.

    Scarlett O.
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    Brother, here's a thought.

    Have you shared with your primary doctor all of these things? I, myself, am on high doses of a powerful neurological drug and have been for years. I have epilepsy.

    The drugs make me live seizure-free and unless I tell someone I take these drugs and have epilepsy they don't know it, but it doesn't come without side effects.

    Once about 3 years ago when my doctor and I experimented with changing my medication, I went through mental hell on earth. I was obsessed with death. I was obsessed with my own shortcomings and failings. Twice I was at the point of being willing to die by own hands.

    Medications - especially neurological ones - can put you in a terrible state.

    I believe your spiritual crisis is real, but I earnestly urge you to write these things down and share them with your primary doctor and meet with him often.

    Hang around. Keep talking to us. We'll be here.
     
  10. IdahoSpudster

    IdahoSpudster
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    My doctor has been monkeying around with my meds trying to fix things. That's why I went to see a psychiatrist. I too have seizures and suffer from vertigo. If you've never had vertigo getting on the bus and fallen off, try it. It's a real treat. LOL What's really messed up is my apartment building has stairs, it's kind of a split level. Sometimes I have to sit down on the stairs and wait for the world to stop spinning before I can keep going. It's great. Fanfreakingtastic. Heavy sarcasm intended.
     
  11. evangelist6589

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    Hi IdahoSpudster,

    I just said a prayer for you. Please do PM me if you need a friend. Some good books that will help you are as follows (in addition to reading the Bible).

    Slaying the Giants in your Life

    Trusting God even when Life Hurts
     
  12. evangelist6589

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    A good author and I have that book, however he is way too deep and technical for the average reader. Jerry Bridges or David Jeremiah would be a better choice.
     
  13. evangelist6589

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    Hello again IdahoSpudster.

    Yes indeed God has a wonderful plan for you friend, however do not buy into the modern gospel's message of prosperity, fulfillment, and success. With some God may call them to suffer, to file for bankruptcy, to have lots of Credit Card Debt, to have disabilities, to get fired from jobs, to get cancer, and to get persecuted. God has a different plan for everyone my friend, and some that is His plan. The main thing brother is that we be ready for His plan.

    John MacArthur wrote a excellent book called SLAVE and he does a great job explaining God's plan, and also using illustrations from people in history whom had to suffer my friend.

    [​IMG]

    Regarding how to share your faith at the VA I commend you for your interest my friend and I can provide links to resources where you can get tracts and gospels.


    FREE Gospel of John's


    Gospel Tracts
     
  14. preacher4truth

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    ...sigh...
     
  15. evangelist6589

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    Neither Bridges nor Jeremiah are Reformed but I find them far easier to understand, but to each his own preferences. I think for someone whom is not too deep in his theology perhaps an easier read would be better. Do you not agree?
     
    #15 evangelist6589, Sep 15, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 15, 2013
  16. JohnnyReb

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    Welcome brother and thanks for sharing your story:thumbs:

    I think the thing to do is just calm down. By reading your post you have already overcome the hardest parts! A herion addict and you beat it...,congrats! Start celebrating your victories you have achieved and stop being so hard on yourself. ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY.....nor will you become the perfect Christian in a day. The important thing is you have faith in Jesus Christ. Keep knocking at the door and it will be answered.

    Just to relate some..I to have suffered alot of sin. Mostly Alcohol problems. Cold Beer and Tennessee Whiskey was going to be the death of me. I worried my family and friends and damaged alot of relationships. My road as a Christian didn't become straight the first day....or the first year....or the second. But with Jesus Christ you have the tools to get there and you will. Stop making a punching bag out of yourself and let Christ lead.

    I like a suggestion you got earlier......stop worrying about what you can do for yourself and start doing good for others. That will help! There is no more joy than helping another person and in return it builds yourself up. Remember Christ said to do good in secret and God will see and reward in secret.:thumbs:

    Meditation.....sounds like a good idea. May I suggest changing the atmosphere? Try driving into the country and sitting alone on a riverbank somewhere. If your like me God is easily seen in his creations. When I see the beauty of Nature I see God for he created all things. Sometimes just watching song birds can make you feel close to God because there's no other way such beautiful things could be possible. I may be in the minority but you can have church alone on the riverbank if that's where you are comfortable. A big church full of people putting hands on one another isn't for everyone. I feel that when you re connect with God you will feel more comfortable around his people.

    Hope this helps and good luck! :godisgood:
     
  17. evangelist6589

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    This is very good advice. Getting away from all the noise and alone with God in such a setting is a great way to focus more on the Master.
     
  18. IdahoSpudster

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    Thanks again for all the good advice. Going out in the country is a most wonderful way for me to spend my time. Unfortunately I can't drive due to my medical problems.

    Do you think my dreams are a result of my medications or is God trying to tell me something? When I lay there and I drift to a semi-conscious state I have dreams, or maybe visions. I don't know. A lot of times I don't remember them but I feel weird when I wake up.
     
  19. Amy.G

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    Boloney................
     
  20. JohnnyReb

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    Quite possibly so. Alot of meds have vivid dreams as side effects.

    Worry about your awake time and let dreams be dreams. You can't control your dreams but you can control what you do in the light of day. Who doesn't have a crazy dream or nightmare sometimes? But they are only what you make of them. If you perceive them as visions and what knot it may effect your day time behavior. Heck if I thought dreams were God telling me something I would be in bad shape by now lol. Leave the dreams in the bedroom and walk with Christ in the light.
     
    #20 JohnnyReb, Sep 15, 2013
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