Standards for dating?

Discussion in '2006 Archive' started by chickenlady, Jun 3, 2005.

  1. chickenlady

    chickenlady
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    Hello, I'm 23, never dated before (didn't find a reason to till I was considering marriage) but met a really great guy. He's 28, we agree on every bit of doctorine...he's an IFB since he was saved at 19, is a sweet, loving, caring guy really sold out for the Lord. I really like him. He met all my friends at church last Friday...and one of my friends kept pushing the fact that we should be chapperoned on our dates.

    Now, I would really like to do the right thing, but aren't we a little too old to get chapperoned? That would be just a little awkward while we're trying to get to know each other. What do you all think? What's the "dating protocol". So far we've been going out together in public places, and at my own home with my family present.

    Thanks.
     
  2. danrusdad

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    When I met my wife, she and her folks had made a commitment to courtship instead of dating. I had dated in HS and college and didn't really understand the difference at first. Basically it meant that we wouldn't be alone together and that we would develop our relationship in the company of others.

    It wasn't "chaperoning" so to speak, but it was always with others around. For me, at first it was tough, because I was used to the 'normal' dating routine. But after being on this side of it, I believe it is a much more biblical. Not only did she get to know me, but her parents got to know me too. That went a long way towards their approval of our marriage. Further, we were spared a lot of the temptations that can occur when unmarrieds spend time together alone (hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more). Not that we weren't tempted, but that with the guidelines, there were virtually no occasions to give in to temptation.

    If this is the person God has for you, and you are both seeking His will, then it will happen. The most important thing is tho seek Him in your relationship first. For us, parent-approved courtship was the way He led us.
     
  3. 4His_glory

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    My wife and I dated, but always did so with other people around. We were careful to not let ourselves go to places that were secluded, but tried to keep ourservels visible so as to avoid temptation.

    The best thing for you do to is pray together and decided what would glorify God most in your relationship.

    It sounds like what you have been doing is absolutly fine to me. Those who push chaperoning are trying to impart their preferance upon you. You must decide though what is best for your relationship.
     
  4. Thankful

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    Personally, I see no reason for a 23 year old and a 28 year old to have a chaperon while dating, courting, getting to know each other.

    I would guess that you have been on your own and independent for a few years.

    For youth who are under age 18 or still living at home, this is up to the parents to decide what is right for their children.
     
  5. gb93433

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    When my wife and I were dating we agreed that we would not spend time together late at night in her place or mine. We agreed that we would not do stupid things that we shouldn't have. Most of the time we did simple things. She had roommates and so did I, so often we would go places to talk such as the city park nearby. One time we were at a city park sitting in the car and a police office drove up and shined his light on us asking us what we were doing there. He was concerned because we were just sitting there. We were just talking. He told us he wanted to make sure everything was alright. It was good for a laugh, but we were also glad we were not doing anything we shouldn't have been doing.

    You need to see the other person around their friends and family so you can get to know them and the person you are dating. When a person marries anopther they marry their family and welcome their friends.

    There will be a point when you begin to discuss serious things and chaperones will not be welcomed. You do need to discuss how you will conduct yourself with one another before the temptation sets in. It will set in should you get closer. Don't do anything that you wouldn't want to see done to your brother or sister.

    Do set your times and relationship up for success and not things you will regret later.

    For example: A few years before I met my wife, I dated a young lady that now works as a church secretary at the church we attended for a long time. I said to myself many times that I was glad that I conducted myself in a way that I knew was honorable.
     
  6. chickenlady

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    Thanks everybody for the great advice! He's actually coming to my church on Sunday to meet the rest of my church family. Y'see, we definately like a little alone time, since I only see him once a week (he's got a 2 hour drive to get here). How would I initiate a discussion on how we conduct ourselves? I actually think we kind of did this. Already established, NO touching (includes hugging and hand holding) and I just put a time limit on how long he can stare at me. LOL! He said he really appreciates my modesty, so there's no problem in that area as well. I really do not feel like I'm going to be tempted to touch him, and he knows I'm off limits (we've established that SEVERAL times while just discussing stuff).

    Though, speaking of modesty. I would assume swimming together is out of the question, right? We almost came close to doing that, but I told him that I didn't want to ruin what we have. And ever since then, we pray before we go out together. We are definately spending time together with others (my church family and home family). I think it has only been one time that we were alone, just sitting at the park talking. I asked him if he'd ask his pastor about the chapperone thing, and he said that he's just gonna tell us to have a chapperone. I'm a very uptight person as it is when it comes to dating, courting, whatever... so having a single chapperone would definately make things awkward.

    So how are we doing?
     
  7. exscentric

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    Hummm. You seek to please God, yet you go to strangers to gain opinions about your standards.... Hummm :)

    Go to the Word with your guy and pray to the one you seek to please for your standards.

    Have known couples that were never alone till they were married, and they seem to develope a closer, neater bond, but I'm sure that there are the opposites of that as well.
     
  8. FrankBetz

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    The key to having a chapporoned "date" is remaining a virgin until the wedding, you simply can't trust the flesh.

    Appreciate your dedication to the LORD, it would be good to remain that way, huh?
     
  9. Ben W

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    I think that you are doing the right thing, I dont see that you need a chapperone. Is doing that recorded in the Bible?
     
  10. FrankBetz

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    Some poepl, Ben, have more discernmwent than others , obviously you'd rather them trust their flesH? Nope, the flesh is at enmity with God, or didn't you know that?
     
  11. TaterTot

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    I personally dont see the need for a chaperone, like Thankful said. You are old enough to BE a chaperone -lol. Set your limits and keep them. Personally, hand-holding and smooching didnt make me want sex, but I am a female. Do whatever works for you. I am confident that you can please the Lord with or without a chaperone.
     
  12. TexasSky

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    My mother used to say, "By a certain age, you either know right from wrong or you don't. Watching over you like you are a two year old won't change the fact that you aren't two or that you do or don't know right from wrong."

    I resisted more tempation based on the fact that I couldn't bear to disappoint her than I ever did because she didn't trust me.

    On the opposite side of that, I know many, many, many people who, watched like hawks, ended up wild as hares when they got a moment of freedom because they developed an "everyone assumes I'll do it, so why not just confirm their distrust," attitude.

    The thing is, you are 23, and you do know right from wrong, so don't tempt yourself. Don't put yourself in a position where you know you'll be tempted to violate God's law. You know what tempts you. He knows what tempts him. Talk about it, and then work together to avoid temptation.
     
  13. Dina

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    I know LOTS of couples who followed the courting style instead of traditional dating. Everyone of them is now divorced or on their way there. They had no idea what the other person was like. Since they were always "in a group" there was never any deep discussions on their hopes, dreams, aspirations, about children-how to discipline them, how many-what they thought a marriage was, how to handle finances. They were in a group, so they only saw the "public" persona. Not the private.

    I can't say that I am "against" courting, but I don't think it is the "be all" as it is decribed.
     
  14. Liz Ward

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    The limits you have established are fine, as long as he is equally committed to them.

    Liz
     
  15. paidagogos

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    Recommend that you read Josh Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
     
  16. paidagogos

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    There is a lot of human wisdom out there that is simply bad advice. Knowing right and wrong does not inoculate against sin when the temptation comes. Age doesn’t matter—young and old sin alike. Our flesh is sinful, our emotions are powerful and our desires are compelling. We cannot trust our flesh. Knowing and doing are different things. Even the strongest of us can be overcome with temptation. Read your Bible and you will find countless stories of God’s people falling into sin and sorrow upon temptation. We may repudiate and abhor a behavior in cool rational and moral contemplation but we fall into that very sin during the heat of temptation and desire. Consider the cases of all the pastors and Christian workers who have fallen into immorality in recent years. Most of these never intended to sin—they fell in a moment of unexpected temptation.

    The best advice is to play it safe. Build a hedge against temptation—have people around who can vouch for your testimony as well. Even though I am a mature and happily married man, I do not counsel with a woman alone. I have a lady witness, usually my wife, present. Take the extra precaution and you will have no regrets later. That’s good advice.
     
  17. paidagogos

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    I have a very different perspective as a counselor. You need to know the sad stories that I know. A 38 year old and 33 year old are no more immune to desire and temptation than 18 and 16 year olds. The problem is that the 38 and 33 year olds think they are mature and can handle it. They're just older and as foolish as the 18 and 16 year olds who think they are mature enough to handle lust. A man after God's own heart, David, was not able to handle temptation. What makes you think you or I or anyone else can? Flee youthful lusts is not solely addressed to youngsters; rather it is to flee these types of lust. Again, we are to make no opportunity or circumstance for the flesh to work its desires. Let's not be so naive. Wake up! There's a plague of immorality in the professing church and I don't want to contract the sickness. So, let's take preventative measures. My old Scot-Irish grandmother said, "An ouch of prevention is worth a pound of cure."
     
  18. paidagogos

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    Their dating or courting had little or nothing to do with divorce. There is no cause and effect here. In other words, there is no causality. The problem is the whole view and understanding of marriage, not dating or courtship. Marriage is based on covenant and commitment, not compatibility. Consider the arranged marriages of the OT, e.g. Isaac. Furthermore, love (the sappy, emotional feeling) is not the foundation. Love is to put another’s well-being and interests on the same level as your own. In other words, another person’s well-being is more important than my own desires. It has nothing to do with my own feelings. Love is not about getting but it is giving. This is the basis of a Biblical covenantal marriage that does not end in divorce.

    The dating or courtship issue has to do with the relationship prior to marriage. One needs to look at the Jewish ideas and teachings on marriage to understand the Biblical concept. It is not the typical American Hollywood version of boy meets girl, dates and falls in love.

    Furthermore, one can get to know the other person as well with others around as sitting together in parked car on a dark, secluded street. Even in a crowd, two people can tune out the others and have plenty serious talk. Usually the lonely dark street setting makes other things more attractive than serious intellectual intercourse. Did you know that you and your beau can have “deep discussions on [your] hopes, dreams, aspirations, about children-how to discipline them, how many-what [you] thought a marriage was, how to handle finances” sitting on old Dad’s sofa? Dad doesn’t have to be sitting there in his recliner but he and mom can be in the kitchen or wherever. It was exactly this kind of courting that created good marriages, which worked in the last century until Hellywood changed our thinking and behavior. Go figure, now!
     
  19. Sularis

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    I suggest burning Josh Harris' book I Kissed Dating Goodbye - will save you lots of problems in the long run.

    Not that the book doesnt have some value - its just hard to find it.

    Oh yeah hrm - you've already set your limits - stay within em - and hrm - lonely couches with no one else around may not be the best place to be for discussions - make sure that there is always someone nearby even if its just a stranger.

    There Ive just repeated what everyone else has said ;) shorter too
     
  20. OCC

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    "Topic: Standards for dating?"

    Rip off a desk calendar page every 24 hours. [​IMG] sorry I couldn't resist.
     

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