Steven Wright-isms

Discussion in 'Free-For-All Archives' started by LynnB., Apr 18, 2003.

  1. LynnB.

    LynnB.
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    If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff
    had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."

    His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems, some
    you may have heard, but always funny!
    *************

    I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

    Half the people you know are below average.

    99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

    All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

    The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

    I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    --------------------
     
  2. donnA

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    Those are so funny. [​IMG]
     
  3. Sherrie

    Sherrie
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    [​IMG]

    Sherrie [​IMG]
     
  4. I Am Blessed 24

    I Am Blessed 24
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    Good one! [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  5. Grace

    Grace
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    I liked all of them..I'd heard some before, but some were new. I like hearing funny little sayings like that.
     
  6. Charlotte Marcel

    Charlotte Marcel
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    I like this one. [​IMG] [​IMG]

    Charlotte
     
  7. wizofoz

    wizofoz
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    One of my favorites by Steven Wright:

    I was walking down the street one day, wearing my glasses, and the prescription ran out.
     
  8. dpenguin

    dpenguin
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    "I misplaced a buttonhole."

    [​IMG]
     
  9. Johnv

    Johnv
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    One of my favorites:

    "I like Candy Canes. I like to eat the red."
     

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