The funniest Calvinist arguments you've ever heard

Discussion in '2003 Archive' started by npetreley, Jan 28, 2003.

  1. npetreley

    npetreley
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    If the problem with the other thread is fear of offending someone, then let's make it fair! I don't know if I'm a Calvinist, but I'm definitely on that side of the fence, so if anyone is going to be offended, I'd be among them. But IMO this could also be fun. Consider it a challenge to be light hearted without attempting to insult the "other side" and I'm game. If we can't stick within those parameters, perhaps that will teach us something about ourselves that we should learn.
     
  2. Jacob

    Jacob
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    A Calvinist I knew in Bible College had a pet peeve with preachers ending their sermons with a call to salvation; even if it was short and discrete. He instantly labelled preachers who did this "Arminian - man pleasers".

    One time he came to my church and while the Pastor had a 1min salvation offer he was chirping off to me "See? See? See Jake? You don't want to follow this guy's teaching...He's an Arminian-man pleaser!"

    Sad to say, I heard that this guy was killed in a car accident a couple years ago. I hope he had matured a little.

    Jacob.
     
  3. Pastor Larry

    Pastor Larry
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    So what's funny about that Jacob?
     
  4. Ps104_33

    Ps104_33
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    Two Calvinists were walking out of church and one tripped and fell down the steps. He got up brushed himself off and said, " Well, I sure am glad God got that over with".
     
  5. Jacob

    Jacob
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    Whattttt? I hope you're referring to the part about him dying. If so, you're right, there's nothing funny about that.

    Because a preacher gives a salvation message is a funny reason to deny non-Calvinistic theology!

    Jacob.

    [ January 28, 2003, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: Jacob ]
     
  6. Primitive Baptist

    Primitive Baptist
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    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    I'm a Calvinist, but I still think that is hilarious.
     
  7. npetreley

    npetreley
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    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    I'm a Calvinist, but I still think that is hilarious.
    </font>[/QUOTE]Me too! Not exactly what was asked for, but really funny just the same.

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  8. Rev. G

    Rev. G
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    How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Are you kidding?!? Only God can change a light bulb!
     
  9. brandontmilan

    brandontmilan
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    :D [​IMG]
     
  10. sturgman

    sturgman
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    I have two.

    True story -

    Dallas Theological Seminary, 1970 something. Two guys were arguing over the calvinist - arminian thing, and the arminian slugged the calvinist. The arminian was kicked out of school and the calvinist was warned. Everyone on campus said the calvinist was repremanded because he did what was ordained for him to do, but the arminian was kicked out because he chose to out of his free will and should have known better.

    Second, I heard one time on a message board, a girl said she could not believe in reformed theology because her pastor told her that Augustine used to have a bull that he was mean too, and so she couldn't believe it. :D
     
  11. Pastor Larry

    Pastor Larry
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    Whattttt? I hope you're referring to the part about him dying. If so, you're right, there's nothing funny about that.

    Because a preacher gives a salvation message is a funny reason to deny non-Calvinistic theology!

    Jacob.
    </font>[/QUOTE]You convinced me. I wasn't sure what the funny part was. Thanks for clarifying.
     
  12. tyndale1946

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    Hummmmmmm!... Well I guess this is what happens when Calvin/Arminians run out of points of debatable doctrine... They start telling jokes!... Was that predestinated afore time? ;) ... I'm sure God has a sense of humor too!... Brother Glen :D
     
  13. npetreley

    npetreley
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    Also posted in humor.

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Chickens, being totally depraved, would not only refuse to cross the road if offered the chance, they do not even see that there is another side. But after God gives them the free gift of faith, they are regenerated and motivated to cross.

    (Edited to add...)

    Sorry if I've got regeneration in the wrong place. It's a joke, not doctrine. ;)

    [ January 29, 2003, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: npetreley ]
     
  14. sturgman

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    I am not sure if total depravity holds true to chickens, I am going to have to pull out the commentaries. :D
     
  15. C.R. Gordon

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    I like this one from C.H. Spurgeon

    "I do not ask whether you believe Calvinism. It is possible that you do not. But I believe you will before you enter heaven. I am persuaded that as God may have washed your hearts, He will wash your brains before you enter heaven."
     

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