The Semi-Pelagian Narrow Catechism

Discussion in 'Calvinism/Arminianism Debate' started by Luke2427, Jul 5, 2011.

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  1. Luke2427

    Luke2427
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    The Semi-Pelagian Narrow Catechism


    The Semi-Pelagian Narrower Catechism
    I saw this in my travels around the internet and thought I would share it. Funny stuff.
    1. Q: What is the chief end of each individual Christian?
    A: Each individual Christian's chief end is to get saved. This is the first and great commandment.

    2. Q: And what is the second great commandment?
    A: The second, which is like unto it, is to get as many others saved as he can.

    3. Q: What one work is required of thee for thy salvation?
    A: It is required of me for my salvation that I make a Decision for Christ, which meaneth to accept Him into my heart to be my personal lord and saviour

    4. Q: At what time must thou perform this work?
    A: I must perform this work at such time as I have reached the Age of Accountability.

    5. Q: At what time wilt thou have reached this Age?
    A: That is a trick question. In order to determine this time, my mind must needs be sharper than any two-edged sword, able to pierce even to the division of bone and marrow; for, alas, the Age of Accountability is different for each individual, and is thus unknowable.

    6. Q: By what means is a Decision for Christ made?
    A: A Decision for Christ is made, not according to His own purpose and grace which was given to me in Christ Jesus before the world began, but according to the exercise of my own Free Will in saying the Sinner's Prayer in my own words.

    7. Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this Decision, how then can God be sovereign?
    A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign, and is therefore dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He standeth outside the door of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I Decide to let Him in.

    8. Q: How then can we make such a Decision, seeing that the Scripture saith, we are dead in our trespasses and sins?
    A: By this the Scripture meaneth, not that we are dead, but only that we are sick or injured in them.

    9. Q: What is the assurance of thy salvation?
    A: The assurance of thy salvation is, that I know the date on which I prayed the Sinner's Prayer, and have duly written this date on an official Decision card.

    10. Q: What is thy story? What is thy song?
    A: Praising my Savior all the day long.

    11. Q: You ask me how I know he lives?
    A: He lives within my heart.

    12. Q: And what else hast thou got in thine heart?
    A: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.

    13. Q: Where??
    A: Down in my heart!

    14. Q: Where???
    A: Down in my heart!!

    15. Q: What witness aid hath been given us as a technique by which we may win souls?
    A: The tract known commonly as the Four Spiritual Laws, is the chief aid whereby we may win souls.

    16. Q: What doth this tract principally teach?
    A: The Four Spiritual Laws principally teach, that God's entire plan for history and the universe centereth on me, and that I am powerful enough to thwart His divine purpose if I refuse to let Him pursue His Wonderful Plan for my life.

    17. Q: What supplementary technique is given by which we may win souls?
    A: The technique of giving our own Personal Testimony, in the which we must always be ready to give an answer concerning the years we spent in vanity and pride, and the wretched vices in which we wallowed all our lives until the day we got saved.

    18. Q: I'm so happy, what's the reason why?
    A: Jesus took my burden all away!

    19. Q: What are the means given whereby we may large crowds of souls in a spectacular manner?
    A: Such a spectacle is accomplished by means of well-publicized Crusades and Revivals which (in order that none may be loath to attend) are best conducted anywhere else but in a Church.

    20. Q: Am I a soldier of the Cross?
    A: I am a soldier of the Cross if I join Campus Crusade, Boys' Brigade, the Salvation Army, or the Wheaton Crusaders; of if I put on the helmet of Dispensationalism, the breastplate of Pietism, the shield of Tribulationism, and the sword of Zionism, having my feet shod with the gospel of Arminianism.

    21. Q: Who is your boss?
    A: My boss is a Jewish carpenter.

    22. Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?
    A: God hath never performed such an omnipotent act, for any such thing would not reflect His primary attribute, which is Niceness.

    23. Q: What is sanctification?
    A: Sanctification is the work of my free Will, whereby I am renewed by having my Daily Quiet Time.

    24. Q: What rule hath God for our direction in prayer?
    A: The rule that we must bow our hands, close our heads, and fold our eyes.

    25. Q: What doth the Lord's Prayer teach us?
    A: The Lord's Prayer teacheth us that we must never memorize a prayer, or use one that hath been written down.

    26. Q: What's the book for thee?
    A: The B-I-B-L-E.

    27. Q: Which are among the first books which a Christian should read to his soul's health?
    A: Among the first books which a Christian should read are the books of Daniel and Revelation, and The Late Great Planet Earth.

    28. Q: Who is on the Lord's side?
    A: He who doth support whatsoever is done by the nation of Israel, and who doth renounce the world, the flesh, and the Catholic Church.

    29. Q: What are the seven deadly sins?
    A: The seven deadly sins are smoking, drinking, dancing, card-playing, movie-going, baptizing babies, and having any creed but Christ.

    30. Q: What is a sacrament?
    A: A sacrament is an insidious invention devised by the Catholic Church whereby men are drawn into idolatry.

    31. Q: What is the Lord's Supper?
    A: The Lord's Supper is a dispensing of saltines and grape juice, in the which we remember Christ's command to pretend that they are His body and
    blood.

    32. Q: What is baptism?
    A: Baptism is the act whereby, by the performance of something that seems quite silly in front of everyone, I prove that I really, really mean it.

    33. Q: What is the Church?
    A: The Church is the tiny minority of individuals living at this time who have Jesus in their hearts, and who come together once a week for a sermon, fellowship and donuts.

    34. Q: What is the office of the keys?
    A: The office of the keys is that office held by the custodian.

    35. Q: What meaneth "The Priesthood Of All Believers"?
    A: The Priesthood Of All Believers meaneth that there exists no authority in the Church, as that falsely thought to be held by elders, presbyters, deacons, and bishops, but that each individual Christian acts as his own authority in all matters pertaining to the faith.

    36. Q: Who is the Holy Spirit?
    A: The Holy Spirit is a gentleman Who would never barge in.

    37. Q: How long hath the Holy Spirit been at work?
    A: The Holy Spirit hath been at work for more than a century: expressly, since the nineteenth-century Revitalization brought about by traveling Evangelists carrying tents across America.
     
  2. Earth Wind and Fire

    Earth Wind and Fire
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    you know Luke.....I'd read all these only I got half way threw & realized that over the last year I've already heard these as valid arguments (and now Im scared) LOL :smilewinkgrin:
     
  3. Luke2427

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    Yes sir. I laughed so hard I nearly burst a gut (especially when I came to number 6) but my laughter was occasionally abated by a very sad realization- this represents many!
     
  4. Iconoclast

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    looks as if the person who wrote it used the BB to glean some ideas from.:thumbs::type::BangHead:
     
  5. preacher4truth

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    7. Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this Decision, how then can God be sovereign?
    A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign, and is therefore dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He standeth outside the door of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I Decide to let Him in.


    I've seen this actually used on here. The same also says God is not omniscient. Reducing of God, increasing of man. The opposite of John the Baptists confession to do the exact opposite.
     
  6. Skandelon

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    It is no wonder you guys are Calvinists. If this is what I really believed about the alternative I'd still be one too.

    I challenge you to stop only dealing with the shallow, namby-pamby, pat answers of unscholarly non-Calvinists and delve into teachings of those who clearly know their stuff. Read Adam Clarke, for example. Stop pretending this caricature of non-Calvinism is your only real opponent on this doctrinal point.
     
  7. InTheLight

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    Yes, what a pathetic attempt. It's sad, really.
     
  8. preacher4truth

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    Someone argued on here that God Sovereignly chose to not be Sovereign as per #7 on the OP.

    Does that make this person namby-pamby, non-scholarly, and pat?

    Although some of the OP is humorous, it does deal with some real, tanbgible arguments given in the real world, including on the BB.

    In other words, it's not just a caricature.

    - Peace
     
  9. webdog

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    What Skan said :thumbs:

    Maybe calvinism is in for a name upgrade. Strawmanism.
     
  10. Luke2427

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    Skandelon, this describes MOST of these nameless theology guys- these guys who are baptist but have no systematic theology and you know it.

    It may not describe you because you actually HAVE a systematic theology.

    But Iconoclast was absolutely right- we've seen much of this on bb many times.

    This is why this catechism is so HILARIOUS! :laugh::laugh::laugh:
     
  11. Skandelon

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    1. I didn't read the whole list, nor will I waste my time doing so.

    2. I didn't read the quote of the person to which you are referring in context, so I can't comment as to their intent.

    3. No, I'm not calling any individual here these things...I'm only referring to the arguments themselves (at least those I read before rolling my eyes and moving on with my life)
     
  12. preacher4truth

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    Seems to me someone else is attempting to draw a caricature out of Calvninists.

    The opposite, that "we" are drawing a caricature, is baseless and not true.

    - Peace
     
  13. preacher4truth

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    Then you can't genuinely dismiss it as you have, nor does your conclusion stand.

    - Peace
     
  14. Skandelon

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    Luke, I want you to imagine how it would make you feel if I treated you the way you treat others here.

    Imagine I take all the stupidest "Calvinistic" arguments I've ever heard, (i.e. "Young man, sit down: when God pleases to convert the heathen, he will do it without your aid or mine." or "God doesn't love all mankind." or "If God is to be truly Sovereign He must be the author of both good and evil." etc)

    And suppose I applied them to you and your views with a broad brush stroke and laughed about it. How would you respond? How would it make you feel?

    I ask because I want you to consider practicing the "golden rule" here on the bb and try to avoid these types of posts which really only serve to inflame and mock.
     
  15. Skandelon

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    You may be right. I dismissed it based on the first 5 or 6 I read. Does it get more accurate as it goes along? Somehow I doubt it, but if you want to quote a few that you feel are not a "caricature" please feel free.
     
  16. Luke2427

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    Exactly.....
     
  17. preacher4truth

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    It is accurate in that it represents what some on here argue. It is also humorous in some areas. No need for me to quote what can clearly be read by going back to the OP.

    To be fair, it is also kind of dumb in some areas.

    - Peace
     
  18. quantumfaith

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    5 out of 6 reaches to the level of statistical significance. :)
     
  19. Skandelon

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    Could be, but based on my experience with how you and some other interpret what others say, it may also be what you perceived they were arguing.

    Either way, it doesn't change the point I was making to Luke when I wrote:

    And then...

    Enough said.
     
  20. preacher4truth

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    I smell straw.

    And a slight personal attack that is unfounded and subjective.

    - Peace
     
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